Zombie Prisons for Marijuana Users?

vape

LA TIMES) Ordering federal prosecutors on Friday to crack down on drug offenders, Atty. Gen. Jeff Sessions made clear he wants the Justice Department to turn the clock back to an earlier, tougher era in the four-decades-long war on drugs. In a memo, Sessions said federal prosecutors should “charge and pursue the most serious, readily provable offense” in drug cases, even when that would trigger mandatory minimum sentencing. Mandatory sentencing laws for drug users have been controversial for years, and many Republicans as well as Democrats now oppose them as unfair, ineffective and too costly.
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Leaked by InfoWars Prison Planet: 1) Having rejected science in favor of pseudo-sanity, planet Earth will be turned into a giant Elysium set (ie. prison.) The poor (formerly middle class) will live in squalor, smoking weed saved from the robotic Agent Orange sprayers that criss-cross the fields, making sure all crops are imbued with the “essence of Aquarius” (ie. cancer.) 2) Flogging robots will make the rounds to villages (cells), supplying punishment in the form of “cats of nine tales” (whips, chains, and speakers broadcasting updates on how work on luxury bunkers and the National Space Station for the Uber Rich is progressing.) 3) Pot smokers will be provided with an avenue to freedom in the form of a Hunger Game duel to the death. One lucky survivor will be allowed a tour of the White House and West Wing luncheon…while in shackles.       
ZombiesIn other McNews: NEN has learned that trucks reportedly carrying bombs actually contain props for a new game show to be unleashed on unsuspecting Americans called WANNABE ZOMBIES.  “These are crazed contestants who believe in the radical religion of celebrity so much that they are willing to do anything,” claims producer Mark Burnette, “including being injected with virus memes and becoming vampires and zombies.” We were unable to obtain the details about how this was accomplished, except that the contestants are all out-of-work TV addicts being cut from unemployment benefit roles (to build more bombs.) In the meantime, huckster game show hosts continue their unrelenting assault on sanity, claiming God or the Almighty Dollar (et. al.) are the best blinders to wear while singing, “if that’s all there is, my friend, then let’s keep dancing. . .”

Earth to be Renamed Rathe

NASA

“It was just an idea,” said Wolfgang Putz-Goethe, of the International Flat Earth Society. “Isn’t that how science works…from idea to proving everyone on Earth is a lying scumbag?” Putz has disappeared, much like Dan Brown did after publishing The DaVinci Code in order to boost speculation (and book sales) by getting everyone to argue over what was actually fiction. Does this mean that, like Pluto, Earth (being flat) is no longer a planet? You decide. One thing is for sure: the anagram of Earth certainly is appropriate now. The archaic (Dark Ages) meaning of RATHE is, “prompt and eager.” While RATH is an obsolete spelling for RAT, and WRATH is “extreme anger.” So what you have is “a fast mad rat looking to bite you in the ass.” (Ass was added because everyone on RATHE is mad about the word…and wiggling the thing itself.) 

GQ In other McNews, actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt has come out of the closet. I mean the wardrobe, as in “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.” Okay, substitute “Bitch.” Also, there is Journalistic Proof that Mitt Romney is not a robot. Do they both believe the Earth is flat? HERE is “evidence” for Levitt.  WHY, Joe, WHY??! Say it ain’t so, Joe!  Also, NEN has just learned that Johnny Depp’s great grandfather fought in the Civil War, and that Johnny is “destined” (say astrologers) to fight in the NEXT Civil War (August of this year.) Hey, if they said it on Youboob or the History Channel, it must be true, rightz? 

Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp
This is Johnny Depp’s real dad. And that’s Amber Alert Hearde, who died soon after this CGI gif was taken in 1945. Oddly, Hitler was NOT involved. You hearde it first here.