In other McNews, The Psychopath Whisperer is back on Fox. Here’s a partial transcript:
Welcome to my talk show. Of course you know we don’t say much in public anymore, or even at Starbucks, except to order a Venti Carmel Massi-Ego before getting on our laptops to see if Kim Kar-smash-again or Kim Jong-fun made it into the playoffs at Yahoo Trends. By the way, libraries now look like Starbucks, too! Except for the restrooms, where homeless people gather to bathe and discuss The Walking Dead. With all the TV game shows and Valerian type movies we broadcast into the galaxy, featuring screaming fan/addicts and doomsday deathmatches. It’s no wonder why space aliens want to kill us so badly. Okay, first question. Let’s hear it.
—What is a psychopath, and do they whisper too?
Ha ha. Well, psychopaths don’t generally whisper. They shout orders while pointing weapons. Or they read you the riot act, whatever that is. My job is to disarm them, and then take them to a remote location once used to waterboard taxpayers to cough up more receipts. There we gently instruct them in the Laws of Murphy, which, like the Law of Attraction, states that if anything bad can happen to you it generally will, given time and temperature.
—You said “we.” Who is “we.”
It’s not the A Team, it’s more like the Z Team. Like zombies, only worse, they’ve been lobotomized by watching too much TV, their eyes stuck open with Crazy Glue. In a different location, over where they film B movies with D-List actors and game show hosts. Anyway, what was your question?
—What is a psychopath?
Oh. That’s someone who ruins a company before bailing out of the boardroom with a golden parachute and backpack full of bonus money. Honey. No, wait, that’s a CEO. Psychopath. Any politician who’s first order of business in Washington is getting re-elected. Or any football fan who owns a CRAZY BOY. That’s a special deluxe Lazy Boy model featuring heated and refrigerated coasters, a voice activated mini bar, a retractable cheese fountain, and a defibrillator.