It has been rumored that Baron Trump might be the AntiChrist. As Ryback Solomon reports, “His very soul sold to the Devil in an auction at the Waffle House. God knows we need superhuman powers to overcome the massive deficits that face us, so selling your soul to the Devil for a clean balance sheet makes perfect sense in this economy. . . and, I might add, this country as we know it will also expire in a sea of red ink worthy of the Lake of Fire.” Press secretary spokesdemons have so far offered no comment. However, interior decorators for the White House report an order for a black velvet rug for the Oval Office with a large red pentagram in the center. In other McNews, the False Profit is about to be revealed as Joel Osteen, who won the post over National Nuke’em News TSAR candidate Anthony Robbins (who has been too busy with the Anthony Action Figures launch at Toys R Us to devote much time to his campaign.) At his acceptance speech, Osteen summarized his qualifications for the job by saying, “I have the biggest church in America, and a huge TV audience, and one of the top selling books of all time. Just look at me, up here on this massive stage. Look at my hair. Look at my suit. Look at the giant golden globe turning behind me. Am I not charismatic? Am I not beautiful? Am I not the perfect candidate for the job?” Baron’s barber concurred by claiming to have seen three sixes on Baron’s scalp, although he later retracted the statement, saying, “they could have been three nines, and part of a series, perhaps a numbered Swiss account?”
