Interview: The World’s First Trillionaire

Super Rich

As Howard gets closer, now, I stare aghast at the squirrelly little enigma of a man. I wonder how and why in God’s name he’s chosen me. Who am I, anyway? Nobody except just maybe—I’m hoping—heir apparent to Hunter S. Thompson, a man forgotten by the newer generations of label conscious go-getters, who prefer bling-a-ling rappers to John Lennon. Some Millennials or Gen-Xers might not even know who Lennon and Thompson were, much less Y they were important (while his former fans just wanna go Zzzzz.) Me? I may be old school, but I don’t eschew (hate) anything except boredom, and my clutch punchy ’87 VW. So my other interviews (not for Rolling Stone) have been pretty desperate and diverse, from talent show winners to physicists, explorers, and ComicCon geeks. Which just may explain the why for Howard. Or maybe not.
    —His age, if I had to guess, is mid forties to early fifties. Hard to confirm with the Cardinals baseball cap covering his light brown hair. (Another red herring?) His walk is an aloof gait, in no hurry for this first media exposure—which is minus any cameras, (a prerequisite stipulated by contract.) All I have is my trusty mini-recorder, which passed scrutiny by his security team here at his remote ranch house just north of Flagstaff. Of course I’d been blindfolded on the last leg, and took off the mask only to find that the high tech rust-colored metal roofed building was not unlike the one in the movie Ex Machina, at least in style and situation.
    —“Hello,” I say, stretching out my hand at last, when he comes within range of my inquisitive gaze.
    —Howard stares down at my hand as if it’s septic or something. Then he lifts his attention to my face, studying me. “Hello,” he replies with a tone as neutral as any adversarial diplomat. He gestures toward an ermine trimmed L-shaped sectional couch. I recline into the longer section, reminded of Trump’s quote: Think big, and live large. Howard, aka WFT, is forced to inhabit the short end of the L, which he does without apparent annoyance, I note.
    —“This is quite a place,” I blurt, and then add, significantly, “from what little I’ve seen of it.”
    —The statement’s irony is not lost on him, and I get the impression that nothing is ever lost on him. “I’m sorry about the unusual conditions,” he confesses. But I can see he’s not sorry. Neither am I, actually. In fact, I’m about as happy as a dung beetle on…but enough about me.
    —“Yes,” I say, taking up the lead. “And before we get started, I do have a first question for you, Howard, which can be off the record if you like. And excuse my language, but how in hell have you managed to be so secretive? And why come forward now?”
    —Howard smiles thinly. “That’s two questions, is it not?”
    —I spread my hands in acquiescence, and wait. It’s always best to wait and access…to wait and not to show one’s hand or emotions. In my case, that would be what angle and tone I might take on this story, it now being confirmed that I am actually doing this interview. Something it is too late for Howard to deny.
    —Naturally he waits, too. Only his wait feels like I’m down, and a referee is about to count me out. (Not only out of my first Rolling Stone piece, but also of any chance to revive my flagging career, maybe putting me in line at The Voice blind auditions, singing Money for Nothing.   
    —At last I feel obliged to break the impasse, with his unblinking eyes weighing heavily into mine. “Yes, okay, okay,” I admit. “So how about the first question?”
    —Howard leans forward now, looking at the shiny stone floor as if examining his own reflection. “How have I managed this,” he repeats, testing the veracity or validity of my query against whatever bizarre history he’s known to have been hiding from everyone. After a full minute he leans back, and is soon staring at the ceiling, which is festooned with long rows of dim LED lights recessed into waving brass channels that flow deeper into the interior of his ranch/fortress.
    —“I can reword the question, if you prefer,” I add. “Like, say, for example, how much of what the tabloids say about you is true, and how have you kept them and CNN from verifying any of it?”
    —Hoping to move this tension filled moment along, I hand him the list of unverified facts my editor had given me. Howard looks it over, then (with zero tension on his part) reaches into his shirt pocket and produces a list of his own. I take the wrinkled paper, unfold it, and stare down without showing any of the anxiety I feel wrenching at my stomach. It reads: (Order book)

NASA

Howard’s bodyguard. IQ: 193.

 

Clint Eastwood VS Paul Newman

Clint Eastwood

Everyone knows that Paul Newman was a liberal with a heart for the underdog. He was a co-founder of Newman’s Own, a food company from which he donated all post-tax profits and royalties to charity. As of January 2017, these donations have totaled over US $485 million. He was also a co-founder of Safe Water Network, a nonprofit that develops sustainable drinking water solutions for those in need. His talent and generosity to others made him and his wife Joanne Woodward the unquestioned “most respected couple” in Hollywood history. Big heart, big talent, small ego. Regarding Clint Eastwood, many remember his appearance at the Republican convention, where he made fun of Democrats. Also his movies such as The Enforcer, In the Line of Fire, Hang’em High, Flags of Our Fathers, Heartbreak Ridge, American Sniper, Dirty Harry, Honeytonk Man, Gran Torino, etc seem to suggest that he’s definitely a conservative pro-Trump Republican. But wait. That is fake news conspiracy theory. Consider his own words: “I’m not on either side of the aisle. I think most Americans are going, ‘What the … ? Is this all we can do?’ … When there were 17 people on the stage [in the early GOP debates], I thought, well, there are three or four people up there I could see voting for. They seem pretty good. I had a few …. And then I thought, what the hell happened?” Also: “I was a child growing up during World War II. That was supposed to be the one to end all wars. And four years later, I was standing at the draft board being drafted during the Korean conflict, and then after that there was Vietnam, and it goes on and on forever … I just wonder … does this ever stop? And no, it doesn’t. So each time we get in these conflicts, it deserves a lot of thought before we go wading in or wading out. Going in or coming out. It needs a better thought process, I think.” He describes himself as pragmatic Libertarian, “not a red-meat Republican.” Eastwood’s 2014 movie American Sniper was met with strong critical praise, especially from many Republicans who called it a pro-War on Terror, pro-Republican, and patriotic film; Eastwood responded by saying that such notions represented a “stupid analysis” and that the movie had nothing to do with political parties. So…maybe he should run in 2020 under the Coffee Party, because it’s time to wake up? 

Coffee party

Now go watch these Eastwood movies: Unforgiven, Sully, Absolute Power, Invictus (starring Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman), White Hunter Black Heart, and Changeling (starring Angelina Jolie.) Eastwood: “You know, I haven’t really supported anybody.” But he did back the Brady Bill. “All guns should be registered. I don’t think legitimate gun owners would mind that kind of legislation. Right now the furor against a gun law is by gun owners who are overreacting. They’re worried that all guns are going to be recalled. It’s impossible to take guns out of circulation, and that’s why firearms should be registered and mail-order delivery of guns halted.” Backed a ban on assault weapons. “Why would anyone need or want an assault weapon?” he said. “No matter what party they’re in, you should evaluate their work and make your judgments accordingly. That’s the way to do it in life and every other subject, but sometimes in America we get gaga, we look at the wrong values.” In February 2010, Eastwood was recognized by President Barack Obama with an arts and humanities award. Obama described Eastwood’s films as “essays in individuality, hard truths and the essence of what it means to be American.” Question: would Trump do this for someone who dissed him? Or would he Tweet his disgust and “fake news”? For the record, Clint referred to Trump and Clinton during election season as, “Abbott and Costello.”

Trump Advisors Recommend Hiring Wild Animals

dogsThe Hounds of Hell are fake, but the newz is that Trump has a Plan B: get rabid African dogs to threaten the babies of poor people attempting to enter the country and get on welfare doles. Cats can be engineered with genetic manipulation to become less lazy and selfish too, and to display more loyalty toward the protectors of the American ideals of large houses, large watches, large golden toilets, and very, very big diamonds. Another great idea: offer Kim Jong Un citizenship in the US, with his own estate in Hollywood. Then when he gets here send him to live in an apartment in Brooklyn, subdivision of Brokelyn. Plant crack in his WMCA locker and then release the hounds of Smell.

spicer  

Processed with MOLDIV

 

CHERNOBYL NEVERLAND

russia probePutin approved movie set for release in 2018…along with another plume of radioactive gas. And an ICBM exchange between North and South Korea. And a zombie virus. And a Superbowl for concussion victims only. And the People’s Choice Awards, live from Beijing. And the Olympics, dead from Japan. And the Trump Invitational Celebrity Golf Supermodel Championships from New Zealand. And the latest sessions of Congress on how to do anything other than to battle over scandals. And Scandal’s new season on pay per view.

mutants

And a contest to shoot six legged mutant deer with AR-15s and AK47s, winning carpetbagger to receive a contract to build a ReSport: a luxury, lead lined resort (to be pitched on Shark Tank) for zombie hunters, survivalist lecturers, and reality shows. 

 

Jared Kushner