Hurricane Maria: ISIS Claims Responsibility

newslSIS has claimed Kim Jong-un is upset that he can’t claim IT. Kim: “We steak a claim to all hurricanes.” No wait, that’s a Kardashian quote from Twitter. In other McNews, a pre-cog network has been formed within Homeland to anticipate attacks before they happen by reading the minds of all citizens. Working with Apple on face recognition and smart devices that can track everyone’s whereabouts and phone calls, the head of Cyber Force, Calvin College, declared today, “We are joining forces with Scientology to control bad stuff before it happens.” When asked about hurricanes, he declared, “We do anticipate hurricanes happening, unfortunately for Beach Hunters. Regarding Ghost Hunters and the Flat Earth Society, we have no comment. I suggest calling the NBA or Rob Lowe. In fact, I think you can catch Rob at an NBA game.” When asked to stick to the subject, Calvin added, “Maybe you should talk to the White House press secretary or The Mooch.”

Scientology
scifiIt’s 2026, and catastrophe has struck from an unexpected source. The Alpha Centauri supernova has risen like a second sun, rushing Earth toward its last summer. Floods, fires, starvation, and disease paralyze the planet. In a blue aurora flash of gamma rays, all microchips worldwide are destroyed, leaving an already devastated Earth without communications, transportation, weaponry, or medicine. The disaster sets three groups of survivors on separate quests. A militant cult seizes the opportunity to free their leader, known as the Eye of God, from the long-term coma to which a court sentenced her. Three cancer patients also search for a man in judicial sleep: the brilliant scientist—and monstrous criminal—who alone can continue the experimental treatment that keeps them alive. From a far greater distance come the survivors of the first manned Mars expedition, struggling homeward to a world that has changed far beyond their darkest fears. And standing at the crossroads is one man, US President Saul Steinmetz, who faces a crucial decision that will affect the fate of his own people—and the world. AFTERMATH by Charles Sheffield. Required reading in DC Public Schools.

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Major Shakeups in Your Church

Not Entertainment NewsBe sure to check with your church, and change your passcodes. Your church is under attack by scandalous fake news sites with a horrific data surge threatening to collapse the…hold…holdthis just in:   τ∂tp(V,t)=−∂V[(μ(t)−V)p(V,t)]+σ2(t)2∂2Vp(V,t)!

“Quant“: A quantitative analyst whose job it is to provide his employer with means by which to maximize profit at all cost to their clients. Historically, the quant caused the Great Recession by creating complex financial instruments like credit default swaps, thereby shunting risk onto the taxpayers (ie. grandma and grandpa), reducing their funeral processions to two drunken uncles and a casket salesman who once sold used Chevy Comets. A quant’s habitat is usually the upper floors of upscale buildings, particularly penthouses. Drug of choice is Peruvian cocaine, while their clients typically take more dangerous drugs, like those advertised on TV, such as for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heartburn, or depression. Call your doctor right away if you notice itching, hives, swelling, trouble breathing, blistering, bloody stools, nausea, spasms, confusion, cramps, diarrhea, gas, fever, projectile vomiting, or an insane propensity to watch ESPN during hurricanes or terrorist attacks. 

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