No, kids. Don’t drink water, drink a chemically laden artificially colored substance which may or may not cause cancer, who knows? Meanwhile, only in America are prescription drugs allowed to be advertising on TV. At least 12 ads with horrific side effects just on the evening news, which you wouldn’t need if you drank more water and less soda. But not bottled water. $$$ Read An American Sickness. Oh, and Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now THAT’S news!
lSIS has claimed Kim Jong-un is upset that he can’t claim IT. Kim: “We steak a claim to all hurricanes.” No wait, that’s a Kardashian quote from Twitter. In other McNews, a pre-cog network has been formed within Homeland to anticipate attacks before they happen by reading the minds of all citizens. Working with Apple on face recognition and smart devices that can track everyone’s whereabouts and phone calls, the head of Cyber Force, Calvin College, declared today, “We are joining forces with Scientology to control bad stuff before it happens.” When asked about hurricanes, he declared, “We do anticipate hurricanes happening, unfortunately for Beach Hunters. Regarding Ghost Hunters and the Flat Earth Society, we have no comment. I suggest calling the NBA or Rob Lowe. In fact, I think you can catch Rob at an NBA game.” When asked to stick to the subject, Calvin added, “Maybe you should talk to the White House press secretary or The Mooch.”
It’s 2026, and catastrophe has struck from an unexpected source. The Alpha Centauri supernova has risen like a second sun, rushing Earth toward its last summer. Floods, fires, starvation, and disease paralyze the planet. In a blue aurora flash of gamma rays, all microchips worldwide are destroyed, leaving an already devastated Earth without communications, transportation, weaponry, or medicine. The disaster sets three groups of survivors on separate quests. A militant cult seizes the opportunity to free their leader, known as the Eye of God, from the long-term coma to which a court sentenced her. Three cancer patients also search for a man in judicial sleep: the brilliant scientist—and monstrous criminal—who alone can continue the experimental treatment that keeps them alive. From a far greater distance come the survivors of the first manned Mars expedition, struggling homeward to a world that has changed far beyond their darkest fears. And standing at the crossroads is one man, US President Saul Steinmetz, who faces a crucial decision that will affect the fate of his own people—and the world. AFTERMATH by Charles Sheffield. Required reading in DC Public Schools.
New archeological evidence proves that the modern NFL and NHL, as well as NASCAR, began on the floor of Rome’s Colosseum when gladiators sliced and diced each other into bite sized chunks for Growl Mix. That’s the first canned cat (ie. lion) food—while chariots raced around in circles lopping off the heads of anyone who didn’t follow the games. “We all suspected this was true,” says Dr. Alfred Zimmer of the Archeological Society and the IOC, “but we now know from genetic evidence too that ancient and medieval societies live on today in the guise of national sports programs. Not only does this explain the painted faces, the stampedes and riots, and innumerable bar brawls, but it explains the girl you overhear crying on her cell phone as she sobs, ‘You never listen, you’re too busy watching Apple TV…and now what…you’re just going to walk away? That’s typical. I’m just a game to you, and after you score, you change the channel, you stupid, heartless son of a bleep.’” Next up, the connection between tailgate parties and togo parties.
Died You Know) Osama bin Laden was a SOCCER and VOLLEYBALL fan. Hitler loved TRACK AND FIELD, particularly JAVALIN THROWING. Attila the Hun loved FENCING and LAWN DARTS. They were all vicious killers. What’s your excuse? —Walter Witty
Footnote) Do you have an opinion? No one really cares. Maybe not even your spouse or child. If you’ve just won the Powerball, they will care. A lot. Barring this extreme event, however, you’re pretty much on your own. People believe what they want to believe, mostly. It’s called “Confirmation bias.” The facts really don’t matter. More important, we are told, is body language, social skills, looks, and fitness. Yes, that’s right. Physical fitness. Not mental fitness. If you are a highly educated genius with a 66 pack brain, but look like a slob (or you picked the wrong tie during a bad hair day), people are more likely to believe the sharply dressed Flat Earther or History Channel executive with 6 pack abs. The exception to this is the CEO of Crossfit, who does look like a slob, and couldn’t dress a zombie. But again, that’s the Powerball side of the equation. If you’re rich, short, and bald (but rich) many women will fawn all over you. Some men, too. Research shows that being rich increases the perception of anyone. Take the tech guy at the Apple Event, who came out wearing a wrinkled shirt pulled out of his jeans on purpose. You’re selling very expensive products with high precision and beauty, yet you come out on stage dressed like a homeless guy? That’s a psychological ploy working on a subliminal level: you don’t want to audience to think you believe you’re superior. You want them to think you’re one of them…which you aren’t, because not only aren’t you homeless, but you drive a Maserati. Regarding the bald thing, we tend to believe that bald men are smarter, especially if they have big eyes and small noses. (Source: Riveted by Jim Davies) This is because of the Greys. Not the 50 Shades of Grey guy, but the little shiny guys who abduct people and probe them. Hairless, big eyes, small noses and mouths. It was an invention for a movie, but the image of the Greys haunt people to this day. UFO alien sightings usually describe Greys, although there is absolutely no reason to believe aliens would look like that, in addition to it being a total fabrication in Hollywood. (Aliens are more likely to be machines, as in 2001.) And so we come back to Confirmation Bias. That’s the very human instinct to seek out evidence that supports opinions one already has, while ignoring all evidence to the contrary. If there’s a zombie virus in America, this is IT. But of course that’s Stephen King’s story.
Just how bad is it out there? A new plan floated by the new so-called “Super Duper Pooper Blooper” Committee, and declared “untenable” by Bill Clinton, is to tax both cheaters and philanderers double. But the so-called “forbidden fruit” tax is just one of the proposals put forth (as an alternative to taxing the rich or cutting defense spending, which are “as unthinkable as term limits” to both sides.) An additional proposal is to triple-tax all products related to “sin,” which is defined as “anything which has been demonstrated to increase Medicare costs in the future.” This includes soda, ice cream, pizza, potato chips, candy, grain fed beef, factory raised chicken, cigarettes, alcohol, and television sets. In addition, all bald men and women with freckles would be taxed quadruple “because there’s not enough revenue projected otherwise, just to break even.” Yet if all of these measures are enacted, plus a 9% National Sales Tax, not one dime toward paying down the deficit would result, nor would we have money for roads and schools. . . but at least we wouldn’t be looking at exponential increases in the debt due to the buying of new weapons systems for future wars. “An impressive power grab as the lights go out due to cyclonic winds.” —Ryback Solomon
In related McNews, a new cigarette is being developed by Charles Lipton, a Tea Party psychic who claims to have channeled Steve Jobs, is the STEAM CIGARETTE, an e-cigarette which requires green tea to refill. “It’s a healthy choice, particularly by teens looking at the coolness factor, and considering the alternative of choking on the same substance used in rat poison. But hey—who am I to say, right?” The iCig 2.2 will also sync with iTunes and massage your lips when you have an email or text message. Penalty for using a real cigarette is soon to be double taxation for life, with audits beginning at age 21, run by ex Scientology auditors, to pay for Harvey and Irma debt…conducted inside a McDonalds meat freezer with Michael Keaton as Batman doing security.