End of World Postponed Until Sunday

FILE — On this Sunday in 2014, file photo provided by Aleppo Media Center (AMC), an anti-Bashar Assad activist group, which has been authenticated based on its contents and other AP reporting, a Syrian government forces helicopter drops what activists said are two barrel bombs over an area of Aleppo, Syria. For nearly two months, the Syrian government has conducted an intense air campaign on opposition-held districts of the northern city of Aleppo. Airstrikes on the city over the past week alone have killed at least 246 people, according to activists. That pace rivals a two-week stretch in the second half of the month when more than 500 people were killed in Aleppo airstrikes. (AP Photo/Aleppo Media Center, AMC, File) ORG XMIT: BEI501

“Saturday? Naw. Sunday is my funday.” —Steve Jobs

In other McNews, Coke is in trouble again, not just drying up wells in villages in India, but in Mexico too. “Where is all the water going? In between San Felipe and San Cristobal lies a Coca-Cola bottling plant, operated by the Mexican company FEMSA. The plant consumed over 1.08 million liters of water per day in 2016.” Residents were forced to drink Coke or die. Ironically, you may die from drinking it. Of diabetes. By the way,

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health news

No, kids. Don’t drink water, drink a chemically laden artificially colored substance which may or may not cause cancer, who knows? Meanwhile, only in America are prescription drugs allowed to be advertising on TV. At least 12 ads with horrific side effects just on the evening news, which you wouldn’t need if you drank more water and less soda. But not bottled water.  $$$ Read An American Sickness. Oh, and Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now THAT’S news!

american airlines

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Hurricane Maria: ISIS Claims Responsibility

newslSIS has claimed Kim Jong-un is upset that he can’t claim IT. Kim: “We steak a claim to all hurricanes.” No wait, that’s a Kardashian quote from Twitter. In other McNews, a pre-cog network has been formed within Homeland to anticipate attacks before they happen by reading the minds of all citizens. Working with Apple on face recognition and smart devices that can track everyone’s whereabouts and phone calls, the head of Cyber Force, Calvin College, declared today, “We are joining forces with Scientology to control bad stuff before it happens.” When asked about hurricanes, he declared, “We do anticipate hurricanes happening, unfortunately for Beach Hunters. Regarding Ghost Hunters and the Flat Earth Society, we have no comment. I suggest calling the NBA or Rob Lowe. In fact, I think you can catch Rob at an NBA game.” When asked to stick to the subject, Calvin added, “Maybe you should talk to the White House press secretary or The Mooch.”

Scientology
scifiIt’s 2026, and catastrophe has struck from an unexpected source. The Alpha Centauri supernova has risen like a second sun, rushing Earth toward its last summer. Floods, fires, starvation, and disease paralyze the planet. In a blue aurora flash of gamma rays, all microchips worldwide are destroyed, leaving an already devastated Earth without communications, transportation, weaponry, or medicine. The disaster sets three groups of survivors on separate quests. A militant cult seizes the opportunity to free their leader, known as the Eye of God, from the long-term coma to which a court sentenced her. Three cancer patients also search for a man in judicial sleep: the brilliant scientist—and monstrous criminal—who alone can continue the experimental treatment that keeps them alive. From a far greater distance come the survivors of the first manned Mars expedition, struggling homeward to a world that has changed far beyond their darkest fears. And standing at the crossroads is one man, US President Saul Steinmetz, who faces a crucial decision that will affect the fate of his own people—and the world. AFTERMATH by Charles Sheffield. Required reading in DC Public Schools.