National Weather Service to be Axed

Omen

Funding to the National Weather Service will be discontinued under Trump’s administration, and the money diverted to the Institute for World Domination, as part of a proposed Pentagon End Times Office. “The only barometer we need is the DOW,” Pence told Leonardo DiCaprio. “Just stick your middle finger in the air, stay ahead of the curve, and slash all costs that cut into profits.” Slashed by cyclonic funnel clouds, the towns facing the realities of global warming merited a yawn from Pence, even after temperatures soared to 114 in Fargo. The NWS has predicted that “hellish hailstones will rise exponentially in size as massive superstorms crisscross a country of NASCAR loving gun show addicts.” Fired despite apologizing for the statement, the spokesman then added, “Their SUVs will be crushed by two ton dry ice boulders dropping from Flameadoes, even as they drive to monster truck rallies where former banking VP Dick ‘Twinkletoes’ Fuld will give a speech condemning the National Science Foundation for the blasphemous lie that the Earth is over six thousand years old.” Luckily he didn’t add that the NWS uses satellites to gather their data, or he would have been punctured by Flat Earth trident…with no access to health insurance. 

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Nicholas Cage Caged

Nicholas Cage In other McNews, Nicholas Cage was turned down for the role of Nicolae (The AntiChrist) in Left Behind 9: 2045, chiefly because Scientology guru David Miscavige looks more like the last actor who played him. But also because an AI will arise then and kill anyone who tries to blow up the planet with viral videos. Stay tuned to the History Channel for more.

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