Dead Woman in Trailer Had $500G in CASH

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A woman living in a trailer was discovered dead, sleeping on a mattress with $150G used as stuffing. $350G more was found used as insulation in her walls. Gertrude “Izzy” Rosenstein had no living relatives, and hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years. She ate Ramen noodles, and feared banks, going out, and squirrels. According to cable company records, she watched the Food Network, The Kardashians, and The Travel Channel…although the bulk of her time was spent watching game shows, televangelists, and other reality TV shows. She left a Will written on a pizza box, leaving her “estate” to Victor Cashman, a preacher now living in Dubai after being acquitted of fraud in Florida. No other details are known at this time. Except that she was once married to an executive at Goldman Sachs.

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In other McNews, Dubai police are employing robots who can’t shout “Stop or I’ll shoot!” because they have no mouths. They also have no guns, so they can’t shoot. Some people are trying to use them as teller machines, but they have no money either. And the author of the scifi story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison) is considering a lawsuit just for the fun of it. 

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Finally, is Mario Batali from Italy? Not the chef, but his spaghetti. According to the author of THE MIND SPAN DIET all flour products in America have added iron, which is a suspected cause of Alzheimers and Parkinsons. In Italy they do not “enrich” with iron, and have far less cases of these diseases (also they eat less meat.) So why is there added iron to Batali’s pasta products, listed as “Product of Italy”? Note that Alma’s have zero iron, listed as 100% Italian whole wheat. Of course health is not a subject likely to be touted on cooking shows and Iron Chef competitions. All that matters is taste. Expecting them to discuss health or PETA is like asking Mr. Wonderful on Shark Tank to discuss Pope Francis. “Crawl out of here like the cockroach you are.”

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POP Quiz: Only one of the above paragraphs is real. Can you guess which?

 

Zombie Prisons for Marijuana Users?

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LA TIMES) Ordering federal prosecutors on Friday to crack down on drug offenders, Atty. Gen. Jeff Sessions made clear he wants the Justice Department to turn the clock back to an earlier, tougher era in the four-decades-long war on drugs. In a memo, Sessions said federal prosecutors should “charge and pursue the most serious, readily provable offense” in drug cases, even when that would trigger mandatory minimum sentencing. Mandatory sentencing laws for drug users have been controversial for years, and many Republicans as well as Democrats now oppose them as unfair, ineffective and too costly.
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Leaked by InfoWars Prison Planet: 1) Having rejected science in favor of pseudo-sanity, planet Earth will be turned into a giant Elysium set (ie. prison.) The poor (formerly middle class) will live in squalor, smoking weed saved from the robotic Agent Orange sprayers that criss-cross the fields, making sure all crops are imbued with the “essence of Aquarius” (ie. cancer.) 2) Flogging robots will make the rounds to villages (cells), supplying punishment in the form of “cats of nine tales” (whips, chains, and speakers broadcasting updates on how work on luxury bunkers and the National Space Station for the Uber Rich is progressing.) 3) Pot smokers will be provided with an avenue to freedom in the form of a Hunger Game duel to the death. One lucky survivor will be allowed a tour of the White House and West Wing luncheon…while in shackles.       
ZombiesIn other McNews: NEN has learned that trucks reportedly carrying bombs actually contain props for a new game show to be unleashed on unsuspecting Americans called WANNABE ZOMBIES.  “These are crazed contestants who believe in the radical religion of celebrity so much that they are willing to do anything,” claims producer Mark Burnette, “including being injected with virus memes and becoming vampires and zombies.” We were unable to obtain the details about how this was accomplished, except that the contestants are all out-of-work TV addicts being cut from unemployment benefit roles (to build more bombs.) In the meantime, huckster game show hosts continue their unrelenting assault on sanity, claiming God or the Almighty Dollar (et. al.) are the best blinders to wear while singing, “if that’s all there is, my friend, then let’s keep dancing. . .”

Suggested Titles for James Comey’s Book

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Comey’s Comets: From Hot Pockets to Deep Dish
FBI FYI: Hacked, Smacked, Sacked
James In the Middle: Between a Rock & A Hard Face
FBI AXE FILES: Murder in the House & Senate
Last House on the Right: My Rancid Meat & Greet
Guns R US: Good Old Boys & Their Walking Brain Dead Toys
Nine Plan 9 Plans: From the Outer Limits to the Oval Office
Elysium 2B: Your Future Silencing the Lambs
The Uncensored Files: Area 51 and the DC Flat Earther Lizard People Trilaterialists
Trump Tweets that Lasted Less Than a Second: “Two wrongs don’t make a right. Three do.”

Live from New York: It’s Binge & Purge Night!

Shark Tank

 

Word of the Day: MODESTY

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MODESTY:  An out of date modality, replaced by the Selfie, the viral Sex Tape, the Nip Slip, and the rise of reality TV, the NFL front office, Fox News, Goldman Sachs and other poster boys for AMERICAN GREED. Thanks to the new narcissism, the “modest” person is now considered a “loser” in need of coaching by “successful” sociopaths on how to fake emotions for pleasure and profit. The goal of perpetual adoration by worshipful masses is, in the end, usually thwarted, however, by 60 Minutes or Frontline reporters showing up with a list of questions for which they already know the answers.

hollywoodAn Alternate History Moment

Ryn Jacobs played short stop for the Yankees in 1948. He was a one season player who once hit a ball so hard it disintegrated in flight. . . not just ripping the cover off, but turning it to dust. (Every other time Ryn hit the ball he never made it to first base.) THE LEGEND OF RYN had been optioned by Fox for a feature film, centering on the controversy that day about whether a flake of dust on the glove of the pitcher constituted an Out or not. The History Channel also planned a special science docudrama on the event to replace a rerun about a swamp monster inhabiting Duck Dynasty’s man-made mud hole. And it all started when a screenwriter named R. Solomon fabricated a fake baseball card, using old stock and vintage ink sufficient to fool The History Detectives. He then pitched the film to studio executives, giving them the card, which was in a display album next to an authentic Mickey Mantle card. The ruse fell apart when a Yankees fan named Howard Ziffle, working at the Fox mailroom during casting for the movie, declared that no one named Ryn Jacobs ever played for the Yankees. Studio heads had R. Solomon arrested on the spot. When asked why they believed a mailroom clerk, even though Solomon had a flawlessly forged baseball card authenticated by Antiques Road Show to boot, (not to mention a History Channel film already in progress featuring J.J. Abrams as director), studio chief Bernie Wolfe replied, “You don’t know Ziffle.” Apparently, although Howard Ziffle can’t get out of the mailroom because he has no marketable skills, no one disputes his baseball expertise. “He can tell you who was traded for who, and for how much, going back to Prohibition. Not only does he know the shoe size of every player in Yankee history, but he can tell you what their lockers contained during any given season. I’m talking about a fan so obsessed that his incense candles are shaped like bats, which he dipped and shaped himself, adding the scent of catcher glove leather. Too bad he’ll be working at McDonalds next week. We’re automating our mail room, and I hear his expertise doesn’t translate into anything but flipping burgers, being nothing unusual among rabid fans.” Fox is going ahead with the movie, as is The History Detectives. As for R. Solomon, he will be replaced by in-house screenwriters related to the studio heads, even as he spins tales in the Big House and (no doubt) tries to craft a gun out of soap.
IN OTHER McNEWS: We interrupt this nonsense with even more important news about sports. Neanderthals Still Alive! Human species thought to have gone extinct are actually still alive and kicking. . . footballs. That’s right: NFL teams are comprised of the descendants of Neanderthals, who possess the Eat or Be Eaten “sporting” gene. (Note: originally, being a “good sport” meant “tastes good.”) According to Dr. Neils Zahorsky of Cal Tech, only those schools without winning sports teams have homo sapien ancestors. (Cal Tech basketball lost 310 games in a row, and so was penalized by the NCAA for “academic infractions,” including 32 Nobel Prizes.) Everyone else descends from the newly discovered Nikeinus, who made up the Neanderthal fan base for various knuckle-dragging skull bowling competitions, using the heads of homo sapiens. . . whose bodies were roasted in prehistoric tailgate parties (thrown in the trunks of open flying saucers, silverware provided by Ancient Astronuts.) “The DNA and NCAA evidence doesn’t lie, although your biology textbooks do,” says Dr. Zahorsky, adding, “It is vitally important that these new findings be updated so that students will be unable to sell their old textbooks next year. In business parlance, as in other Neanderthal-dominated blood sports, such as war, it is necessary to crush the competition in a balls-to-the-wall display of egoic delusion so crippling and overwhelming in terms of “shock and awe” that it never reaches a nuking sudden death overtime. Thals did this by following their playbook, written in stone, as Nikeinus watched and munched on the junk DNA of those pacifist, vegetarian ‘win-win’ nerds who deserved to be eaten alive anyway.”

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