End of World Postponed Until Sunday

FILE — On this Sunday in 2014, file photo provided by Aleppo Media Center (AMC), an anti-Bashar Assad activist group, which has been authenticated based on its contents and other AP reporting, a Syrian government forces helicopter drops what activists said are two barrel bombs over an area of Aleppo, Syria. For nearly two months, the Syrian government has conducted an intense air campaign on opposition-held districts of the northern city of Aleppo. Airstrikes on the city over the past week alone have killed at least 246 people, according to activists. That pace rivals a two-week stretch in the second half of the month when more than 500 people were killed in Aleppo airstrikes. (AP Photo/Aleppo Media Center, AMC, File) ORG XMIT: BEI501

“Saturday? Naw. Sunday is my funday.” —Steve Jobs

In other McNews, Coke is in trouble again, not just drying up wells in villages in India, but in Mexico too. “Where is all the water going? In between San Felipe and San Cristobal lies a Coca-Cola bottling plant, operated by the Mexican company FEMSA. The plant consumed over 1.08 million liters of water per day in 2016.” Residents were forced to drink Coke or die. Ironically, you may die from drinking it. Of diabetes. By the way,

soda

 

health news

No, kids. Don’t drink water, drink a chemically laden artificially colored substance which may or may not cause cancer, who knows? Meanwhile, only in America are prescription drugs allowed to be advertising on TV. At least 12 ads with horrific side effects just on the evening news, which you wouldn’t need if you drank more water and less soda. But not bottled water.  $$$ Read An American Sickness. Oh, and Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now THAT’S news!

american airlines

bottled water

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The Saudi Russian Deal Gets Spy Crazy

Flynn

One look says it all. Whatever IT is. (Ass Ass In.)

 

JAY ZZZ
The rapper now known as Jay ZZZ was born Clifford O’Dell in Surrey, England in 1969. At age 5 he was involved in a car accident when his father Nigel (from Cornwall) and mother Mama (from the Republic of Togo) got into a heated argument over bagel spreads, and so crossed the line into the right lane (and oncoming traffic.) After extensive plastic surgery Cliff was adopted by William Cartwright (a plastic surgeon), and taken to Brooklyn (after a retirement vacation to Nevada.) There he was influenced by Nigel’s other son Derek (whose white mother Yolanda was a failed poet and successful laundress, and had moved there several years prior.) Derek was a writer of experimental fiction, and had even published a story in a literary magazine (of 400 circulation) on his three hundred eighty seventh attempt. Derek killed himself by hanging, but made it look like an accident. Yolanda hung herself too, not long afterward, but made it look like Cliff did it. Cliff managed to get away, and got a job in the Skylight Grill washing dishes (and money) for Simon “Bubby” Malone. While living in the basement, he wrote experimental fiction and tried getting it published in eighty different literary magazines without luck until one day Quincy Jones came down, looking for the restroom, and read one of his stories while on the john (the toilet itself being Cliff’s desk.) Scaring the crap out of youngster on emerging, Quincy apologized, then suggested Cliff change his name and write lyrics instead. Eight months later, without Quincy’s further help, ZZZ had an agent and a limo driver. Hence, the oft repeated comment heard from ZZZ while drunk, “Quincy saved my life.” This also explains why, if driving himself, he stays to the left, and never eats Nutella. Quincy denies the incident occurred, but then he’s getting on in years and is losing his memory. As evidence for this account, here’s the opening of one of ZZZ’s stories, released now for the first time:
.
“Yo Mama Blue” by Clifford D. O’Dell

“A crimson reticulate melds circumstance with affable malaise as Roderick positions equinoxes into interstadial events like polar supply chains.”
“What the hell was that???” demands Simon Cowell of the American Idol contestant.
“I wanted to utter a sentence so original that it will never be repeated again in the history of television.”
“Oh.”
“Aren’t you going to say something witty about my song choice?”
“I’m speechless.”
“Okay, well let me help. ‘My glabrous thought veins skein into my narcosis like chiasma crossing filaments of joy toward an exuberant effluvium.'”
“Can you say, ‘I’m insane?'”
“Can you say, ‘I’m boring?'”

Twit-R-Us

I love Twitter and I cannot lie,
Tweeting Tweets by de gross on da fly.
Gots no time ta reads no book
Insta-wham me selfies—look!

Gots no fame? Den who’s ta blame:
Ya jus’ be lame an’ needs ta DIE!

(I so Twitter, watch me titter,
I’s no quitter. See me flitter
befo’ I hit’er.)

Earth be flat, ya head be round.
I pound it down. Dun make a sound!
Tis all a game that stays the same,
sing this refrain ta hone yer aim:

Now read me lips and swing your hips.
Ya gots some dough, let’s make it flow!
Give dems da birds, yer Tweets in blue.
Tweet Dems ta hell, yer aim be true!

Trump Visits Sarasota Florida

Hurricane Irma

Talks about 9/11 Conspiracy with Alex Jones.

In other McNews, actor Keanu Reeves told the Hollywood Reporter this week that he is the only real actor left, and that everyone else is locked into a titanium sensor grid at the center of the earth, dreaming their lives away, doing sequels. Giving the weather report from the surface, Reeves claims that nuclear winter has been a reality for “some time now,” and that no groundhogs are still alive to see their shadow, if they could. “It’s very dark and windy up here,” the actor reported from Grid phone 16345.58. “Scattered acid rains and radioactive tornadoes have covered southern California, and are moving east at 220 MPH. Expect hurricane force propane clouds to hit Florida in about an hour as the Troguldites from Centuri 9 plan to burn away the last remaining mosquitoes prior to colonization.” When asked why the aliens chose to keep him on the surface to witness all this, Keanu claimed ignorance, but said he has given up drinking for the time being.

Kim
I to J to K…Irma, Jose, Kim?

North Korea Takes Credit for Irma

North Korea

Just how bad is it out there? A new plan floated by the new so-called “Super Duper Pooper Blooper” Committee, and declared “untenable” by Bill Clinton, is to tax both cheaters and philanderers double. But the so-called “forbidden fruit” tax is just one of the proposals put forth (as an alternative to taxing the rich or cutting defense spending, which are “as unthinkable as term limits” to both sides.) An additional proposal is to triple-tax all products related to “sin,” which is defined as “anything which has been demonstrated to increase Medicare costs in the future.” This includes soda, ice cream, pizza, potato chips, candy, grain fed beef, factory raised chicken, cigarettes, alcohol, and television sets. In addition, all bald men and women with freckles would be taxed quadruple “because there’s not enough revenue projected otherwise, just to break even.” Yet if all of these measures are enacted, plus a 9% National Sales Tax, not one dime toward paying down the deficit would result, nor would we have money for roads and schools. . . but at least we wouldn’t be looking at exponential increases in the debt due to the buying of new weapons systems for future wars. “An impressive power grab as the lights go out due to cyclonic winds.” —Ryback Solomon

Washington

In related McNews, a new cigarette is being developed by Charles Lipton, a Tea Party psychic who claims to have channeled Steve Jobs, is the STEAM CIGARETTE, an e-cigarette which requires green tea to refill. “It’s a healthy choice, particularly by teens looking at the coolness factor, and considering the alternative of choking on the same substance used in rat poison. But hey—who am I to say, right?” The iCig 2.2 will also sync with iTunes and massage your lips when you have an email or text message. Penalty for using a real cigarette is soon to be double taxation for life, with audits beginning at age 21, run by ex Scientology auditors, to pay for Harvey and Irma debt…conducted inside a McDonalds meat freezer with Michael Keaton as Batman doing security.

scifi

YouTube to Drop Hit Counters: Hacker Jeffrey Kagillionaire (not his real name) has not only won fame among the criminally insane as having stolen eighty million identities, (after cracking enough widow’s nest eggs to make the world’s biggest–albeit now defunct–Egg McMuffin), but he has wired so much money to his Caymans bank that he has melted servers in the process (a feat unmatched since Kim Kardashian’s wedding.) Now Jeff is broke again, due to Irma flooding, and has targeted YouTube, posting his first video (a cat burglar sipping cream from Donald Trump’s refrigerator), and altered the hit counter on the same day to reflect a Googol (10 to the power of 100, or more people than have ever existed times the grains of coke snorted off the thighs of Pablo Escobar’s mistresses.) So Google and YouTube have decided to drop the hit counters displayed on cat videos, telling Congress and the Super Duper Committee, “this will also save the economy from collapse and gunfire by increasing productivity, while leveling the playing field by eliminating the advantage billions of cat videos now enjoy.” Physicist Brian Greene has agreed, stating that “this will cause a ripple effect in the rest of the universe as well, eliminating the dark forces exerted by billions and billions of other black holes out there. And maybe there won’t be so many alternate universes in which game shows have led to mass extinctions, too.”