Pixie Dust Bandit Targets Washington

dogs

An out of work chemical engineer from Ohio named Jeffrey Clinkscales, after being gassed and bludgeoned for protesting the Wolf of Wall Street’s new book, today tried to fly over Washington DC and drop a payload of “powder” on the Capitol Building. Unfortunately for us all, his Piper Cub was intercepted and blown out of the sky by an $34,000,000 F15 Strike Fighter with an $850,000 Hellfire missile. The F15 subsequently crashed into a house, which was luckily vacant after being foreclosed. Notes from Clinkscales’ lab show that the “powder” in question was a blend of hallucinogen and truth drug he’d nicknamed “pixie dust,” and his experiments with mice had confirmed that it would “loosen the grip” of ennui, stagnation, and stalemate which the politicians on the Hill are experiencing, forcing them to “face the facts” and begin to compromise in this national crisis. Given his failure to seed the greedy, and the fact that the DEA destroyed all remaining powder and the formula for its creation, Congress and the Super Duper Committee raising the Debt Ceiling to the moon are once more deadlocked, and instead of compromising they have lowered a screen on the rotunda stage, and are now watching the movie Never Give An Inch, starring Henry Fonda. Ushers are serving popcorn, high fructose soda and beer, while hired movie theater cleaners prepare to scape the sticky remains off floors and seats. In other McNews, Peak Oil doomsayers are rumored to be investing in gold as hackers pretending to be police call Do-Not-Call Listers and Equifax victims for donations to their Big Pharma fund project.

Trumpcare

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The Saudi Russian Deal Gets Spy Crazy

Flynn

One look says it all. Whatever IT is. (Ass Ass In.)

 

JAY ZZZ
The rapper now known as Jay ZZZ was born Clifford O’Dell in Surrey, England in 1969. At age 5 he was involved in a car accident when his father Nigel (from Cornwall) and mother Mama (from the Republic of Togo) got into a heated argument over bagel spreads, and so crossed the line into the right lane (and oncoming traffic.) After extensive plastic surgery Cliff was adopted by William Cartwright (a plastic surgeon), and taken to Brooklyn (after a retirement vacation to Nevada.) There he was influenced by Nigel’s other son Derek (whose white mother Yolanda was a failed poet and successful laundress, and had moved there several years prior.) Derek was a writer of experimental fiction, and had even published a story in a literary magazine (of 400 circulation) on his three hundred eighty seventh attempt. Derek killed himself by hanging, but made it look like an accident. Yolanda hung herself too, not long afterward, but made it look like Cliff did it. Cliff managed to get away, and got a job in the Skylight Grill washing dishes (and money) for Simon “Bubby” Malone. While living in the basement, he wrote experimental fiction and tried getting it published in eighty different literary magazines without luck until one day Quincy Jones came down, looking for the restroom, and read one of his stories while on the john (the toilet itself being Cliff’s desk.) Scaring the crap out of youngster on emerging, Quincy apologized, then suggested Cliff change his name and write lyrics instead. Eight months later, without Quincy’s further help, ZZZ had an agent and a limo driver. Hence, the oft repeated comment heard from ZZZ while drunk, “Quincy saved my life.” This also explains why, if driving himself, he stays to the left, and never eats Nutella. Quincy denies the incident occurred, but then he’s getting on in years and is losing his memory. As evidence for this account, here’s the opening of one of ZZZ’s stories, released now for the first time:
.
“Yo Mama Blue” by Clifford D. O’Dell

“A crimson reticulate melds circumstance with affable malaise as Roderick positions equinoxes into interstadial events like polar supply chains.”
“What the hell was that???” demands Simon Cowell of the American Idol contestant.
“I wanted to utter a sentence so original that it will never be repeated again in the history of television.”
“Oh.”
“Aren’t you going to say something witty about my song choice?”
“I’m speechless.”
“Okay, well let me help. ‘My glabrous thought veins skein into my narcosis like chiasma crossing filaments of joy toward an exuberant effluvium.'”
“Can you say, ‘I’m insane?'”
“Can you say, ‘I’m boring?'”

Twit-R-Us

I love Twitter and I cannot lie,
Tweeting Tweets by de gross on da fly.
Gots no time ta reads no book
Insta-wham me selfies—look!

Gots no fame? Den who’s ta blame:
Ya jus’ be lame an’ needs ta DIE!

(I so Twitter, watch me titter,
I’s no quitter. See me flitter
befo’ I hit’er.)

Earth be flat, ya head be round.
I pound it down. Dun make a sound!
Tis all a game that stays the same,
sing this refrain ta hone yer aim:

Now read me lips and swing your hips.
Ya gots some dough, let’s make it flow!
Give dems da birds, yer Tweets in blue.
Tweet Dems ta hell, yer aim be true!

Trump to send Anton Chigurh to North Korea

North Korea

Who else can do the job but Anton? Everyone else has failed. Diplomacy has failed. Talking has failed. And as Anton said in No Country for Old Men, “if the rules you followed brought you to this, of what use were the rules?” Anton will be accompanied by Vince from Collateral. The two will attempt something a bit different than Seth Rogen and James Franco did in The Interview. There will be chance encounters. A coin toss or seven. No mercy. No jokes. Finally, Trump has made a great decision. Fight madness with madness.  PS) He is also considering sending Taylor Swift and Kanye. Happy?   

Collateral 2

THIS WEEK IN HOLLYWOOD

robots

I SEE YOU. DEAD. PEOPLE.

Kim Kardashian's Hollywood

CREEPY CLOWN

“Hi there, I’m your new partner. Shall we dance? I float…right up to the stars.”

Kiss the Girls
SATIRE: A tool used for the benefit of the powerless to point out absurdities sustained by willful ignorance, such as the emperor having no clothes…or the awards show diva having no underwear.
Kim Jong-un
After being treated by shamans, Kim’s altered state and breach with reality forbids him to provide food and clothing for the poor, although sports stadiums are allowed. He requires worship, and no electronic records that can be hacked. Therefore you must write down his sacred utterances, memorize them, and recite them often while watching cartoon movies.