ABC: Animal Broadcasting Corporation

geneticsAnd what would that be: the Umbrella Corporation? No, how about animal rescue and news about animals being slaughtered (including dogs.) Creatures being saved from being skinning alive for furs, electrocuted for Electoral College votes, and kicked or pitch-forked by slaughterhouse workers because cameras are not allowed inside, and no local or national TV news crew will ever follow up on reports, like one in which Brown meats caused the shutdown of a middle school due to a “horrid smell.” (Their spokesman came out to say, “We’ll use a different chemical next time,” and that was enough for reporters. No “what caused the smell?” or “what kind of chemicals are you using on kids?” Don’t ask, don’t tell. They slaughter lambs. Silence of the Lambs?) Interesting facts: 1) people love bacon, and The Baconator is advertised as something you should want to eat. But pigs are as intelligent as dogs, and are sensitive to abuse, which they receive in tight pens causing sores, or are bashed against the wall and left to die covered in flies. By the thousands. 2) Cows are sacred in India, while people think nothing of eating Lassie or Fido in parts of Asia. 3) Meat consumption is highest in the good old USA, as is Alzheimers and dementia, caused by too much iron and protein. (Read The Mind Span Diet by a genetics researcher at Harvard, whose team discovered that in places like Japan and China and Italy, where “iron fortified” or “enriched” does not appear, and people eat less meat, there is far less dementia and heart disease.) 4) Our dogs eat better than our kids. Dog food is touted as “grain free” (free range beef or lamb or chicken) while kids beg their parents to take them to McDonalds due to endless ads and cute toys and the Hamburglar robbing their futures. Those animals either never see the light of day (chickens, except on the way to slaughterhouses), or beef patties (ground together from over a hundred animals which are fed grain by 95% of fast food end games.) The meat is less healthy, too, because it has far fewer nutrients than grass fed. Add to this Coke, which turns good fats bad, and you have a recipe the pharmaceutical giants love most: higher profits for their already rich stockholders snorting coke on their yachts. 5) Hey, it’s a cruel world, buyer beware? The buyer is lied to, spied on, and doesn’t read anything but Tweets. Here’s a question for anyone asking that: “Are you a sociopath? Maybe defect to North Korea and join the herd of fellow Brandwashed lemmings?” Sure, Kim will serve barbecued dissidents for you. While laughing. 6) The Coffee Party. Think about it. A third party which does exist, but nobody talks about. What are they about? Talking, finding solutions, moving forward, not back to the Dark Ages, where ISIS and the Flat Earth Society live. Why? Because, although in any food fight (or nuclear conflict) there are never more than two sides on the killing fields, it’s time to WAKE UP. (…Of course the NFL Dioceses doesn’t care, they are busy discussing plays and “wins,” not soon-to-be Walking Dead brain concussions. “Let the games begin! But first, let us prey.” Insert overflying military jets over budget by billions, and obsolete.) By the way, did you know that light roast coffee is 20 times better for you than dark roast? I didn’t, until I read The Coffee Lovers Diet, by a former science correspondent for a major network. Dark roast beans contain carcinogens from being burnt, and less antioxidants. Been drinking the stuff or years. And used to listen to Rush Limbaugh too, drinking his Kool-aid. Huh. Learn something every day. Live and learn.
food pornABC: “This just in. Sunny skies over Cleveland today, as a SWAT team burst into the home of Willard Webber, a 50 year old college dropout hooked on crack and jelly beans. Twenty-two abused animals were given fresh air for the first time in years, freed from the hellish smells and body odors emanating from Willard’s bedroom, and the cages. Dogs, cats, snakes, an ocelot, a monkey, and a tattooed potbellied pet pig named Tootsie were resuscitated, fed, watered, and bathed. Their eyes have lost the lost look, and now shine with promise, hope. …Something the Soup Nazi at a Virginia soup kitchen is against, shouting ‘No Hope for you!’”

social media

Monday. You need motivation, right?

Does Taylor Swift Deserve an Oscar?



North Korea

In other McNews, Trump, according to the NY Times, is playing into the hands Kim Jong-un (by the way, congrats to Jong boy, he just surpassed Kim Kardashian in number of searches.) The reasoning goes that Trump is just like Kim, pandering to his audience and inciting fear of “the other side” in this Dr. Doom game. (By the way, watch “The Other Guys” movie: hilarious take on advertising and one-upsmanship.) Both can fire up their fans with ballistic rhetoric. Both are cowards, too. Hey, I’m not the one saying it. Okay, not alone. When has either of these clowns actually sacrificed anything? Kim is a grinning despot, madder than the Hatter, and Trump is a former game show host whose favorite book is “The Art of War,” along with his own books, which were “dictated” and ghost written (shades of Ghost Hunters or James Patterson, who lives near Trump in another mansion.) Both surround themselves with loyal minions and relatives and military generals. Disagree with Trump and “you’re fired.” Disagree with Kim and it’s the firing squad. Trump is “very, very” good at what he does. Just listen to him saying this. He plays to uneducated people as his base, and they have hunkered down inside this bunker, lobbing verbal grenades at anyone who disagrees. Tweets and Instagram posts and Youtube videos. Kaboom! Kaboom! Ka-Doom! The reason he adds “very, very” to everything is because his vocabulary is limited. Look what I found while looking up the definition of “very:” “Past participles that have become established as adjectives can, like most English adjectives, be modified by the adverb very:  a very driven person; we were very concerned for your safety.  Very does not modify past participles that are clearly verbal; for example, The lid was very sealed is not an idiomatic construction, while The lid was very tightly sealed is. Sometimes confusion arises over whether a given past participle is adjectival and thus able to be modified by very without an intervening adverb. However, there is rarely any objection to the use of this intervening adverb, no matter how the past participle is functioning. Such use often occurs in edited writing:  We were very much relieved to find the children asleep. They were very greatly excited by the news. I feel very badly cheated.”  Coffee Party? Time to wake up. What’s really wrong with the world is that here are too many “marketing geniuses” and too little quality content. We should be telling Kim that he can star in the next Hollywood blockbuster: Emoji Movie 2: Rise of the North Koreans. That would “blow up” his mind while scoring one for the Lipper.  

Very Man

VERY MAN in an alternate universe.

Fake Booze Soon to Hit Market


What is Bill Clinton drinking?

How to Become the Next James Patterson: Step 1)  Start by thinking in short sentences. (Turn corners sharply. Make entrances sudden. Exit quickly and quietly. Think scary thoughts. Laugh with sinister glee. Slurp your food.)
 Chapter 2)  Develop a demented philosophy of life—if only to express to your alter ego—while staring into the mirror. Begin by repeating this:  “Nature is cruel. I am cruel. I am fulfilling Nature’s purpose. Does Nature care about individuals, after all? We’re nothing to Nature or Putin, except as drones who trip in the dark and die. Do I want to be a school teacher, or to burp babies, or to have an affair with my boss? Doesn’t matter. Who cares. I know I don’t. Nor does the Universe, far as I can see. So just get off my back, okay? Go collect postage stamps, join a bowling league, drive around at 2 AM with your car stereo blasting. You will anyway.” Chapter 3)  Stop eating oatmeal. Try prunes instead. 
Chapter 4)  Avoid using big words like “mellifluous” or “dysphasic,” which might make critics happy, but won’t keep you on anyone’s recommended beach reading list. (Realize that actually having something to say is somewhat less important than churning out two or eighteen books a year.)
 Chapter 5)  Stop blinking.
 Chapter 6)  When all eyes are on you, wink.
 Chapter 7)  Buy a large, shiny knife.
 Chapter 8)  When you go to the post office, imagine actually going postal.
 Chapter 9)  Develop a taste for organ meats.
 Chapter 10) Hire a successful agent and twenty co-authors.
 Finally, realize that the brain is just another organ meat. Prior to cooking realize that, as an organ in the head, the brain is said to contain who we are, the mysterious “us” that we believe should oppose and compete with “them.” Also, it’s the least used organ, particularly by hockey or NASCAR fans. Meanwhile, the most used organ is often referred to as having “a mind of its own.” (Now, many say that sex is mostly in the brain, but of course the people saying this don’t really want to play with their brains. Actually, our brains are only three pound clumps of jelly, which you could probably hold in your hand for at least a few seconds before freaking out. A side benefit of grasping this is in also realizing that for much of your life you’ve been worried about what some other clump of jelly thinks about your own clump of jelly. Meanwhile, at various locations across the country there are three pound jellies who recognize the shell holding your clump, and your clump wonders how these jellies are “doing” or “feeling,” too, and if they are coming close to yours next year for what is termed a “holiday,” and if the alignment of electrical impulses inside your jelly mold can ever “forgive” or “love” or “respect” or “whatever” them again. Or even if you should. Feel better now? If so, you are now ready to become either a mystery writer or a serial killer. Flip a coin. (In either case, please seek help soon.)

serial killers
“Are you talking to ME?”