National Weather Service to be Axed

Omen

Funding to the National Weather Service will be discontinued under Trump’s administration, and the money diverted to the Institute for World Domination, as part of a proposed Pentagon End Times Office. “The only barometer we need is the DOW,” Pence told Leonardo DiCaprio. “Just stick your middle finger in the air, stay ahead of the curve, and slash all costs that cut into profits.” Slashed by cyclonic funnel clouds, the towns facing the realities of global warming merited a yawn from Pence, even after temperatures soared to 114 in Fargo. The NWS has predicted that “hellish hailstones will rise exponentially in size as massive superstorms crisscross a country of NASCAR loving gun show addicts.” Fired despite apologizing for the statement, the spokesman then added, “Their SUVs will be crushed by two ton dry ice boulders dropping from Flameadoes, even as they drive to monster truck rallies where former banking VP Dick ‘Twinkletoes’ Fuld will give a speech condemning the National Science Foundation for the blasphemous lie that the Earth is over six thousand years old.” Luckily he didn’t add that the NWS uses satellites to gather their data, or he would have been punctured by Flat Earth trident…with no access to health insurance. 

weather books
http://TowerReview.com/audiobook-reviews.html

weather channel

spacex

CHERNOBYL NEVERLAND

russia probePutin approved movie set for release in 2018…along with another plume of radioactive gas. And an ICBM exchange between North and South Korea. And a zombie virus. And a Superbowl for concussion victims only. And the People’s Choice Awards, live from Beijing. And the Olympics, dead from Japan. And the Trump Invitational Celebrity Golf Supermodel Championships from New Zealand. And the latest sessions of Congress on how to do anything other than to battle over scandals. And Scandal’s new season on pay per view.

mutants

And a contest to shoot six legged mutant deer with AR-15s and AK47s, winning carpetbagger to receive a contract to build a ReSport: a luxury, lead lined resort (to be pitched on Shark Tank) for zombie hunters, survivalist lecturers, and reality shows. 

 

Jared Kushner

News No One Will Ever Use

news

SATIRE: humor that uses exaggeration, wit, irony, and/or sarcasm to expose and discredit vice or folly. The World’s First Trillionaire: a recluse named Howard Rosen explains to the Rolling Stone how he became Super Duper Rich, with extended lifespan, a yacht that is also a sub (with nuclear torpedoes), and why his mansions and luxury cars don’t show up on Google Maps. (Also, why the NSA fears him, even when he walks or takes Cash Cab.) http://TowerReview.com/Trillionaire.html

Comey news

Neil Degrasse Tyson

Coming to a neighborhood near you.

The History Channel

ADDICTION– This is a psychological or physiological dependence on something. In the case of sports fans, the compulsion to watch men in tight shorts make repetitious and hypnotic movements with a sense of purpose that ultimately proves to be illusory.
ALPHABET– These are your basic ABCs, used not merely to describe soup, but also everything else. Think of them as tools to replace grunts and whistles and nods and (hopefully) belches or farts.
AMELIORATE– To make better or improve. Using this word may also improve your love life if you happen to be in a Bachelor Pad with coeds looking to find a man who reads something other than the sports pages. Because you will never hear a sports announcer say, “that pass return truly ameliorated his rushing record.”
AMERICAN’T– What the Chinese call America, since Americans can’t stop watching sports long enough to manufacture anything. As part of their subversive campaign, the Chinese mimic our athletes and pretend to be enthralled with American culture, even as they steal military blueprints online and share the embarrassing stuff with Russia.
ANGST– This is a feeling of trepidation or apprehension which may (or may not) be associated with witnessing your gray hair falling out in clumps after youʼve just arranged your trading card collection for the 8000th time.
CRAZY BOY– A special deluxe Lazy Boy model featuring heated and refrigerated coasters, a voice activated mini bar, a retractable cheese fountain, and a defibrillator.
INCREDIBULL— Something so outrageous and wrong that everyone hypnotically buys into it.
JUST DO IT– A slogan once popular at Penn State, and now at the State Pen.
SPORTS BAR– A place of worship equipped with multiple wide-screen HDTVs, open on Sunday. Worshipers may maintain altars at home, too, for ritual sacrifices of lamb, steer, and chicken. But they may not dress in holy garments fanatically displaying the proper colors for ceremonial penitence unless their high priests aren’t “cooking” on the “gridiron.”
STUPORBOWL– A drinking contest held after the Super Bowl, usually by the losing team.
SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME– What happens to an obese fan whose cholesterol clotted heart has been living on borrowed time up until the moment he realizes that his lost wager may result in getting his kneecaps shattered by a guy named Vinny.
WAR– A game no one can win, although referees whose favorite song is “I think I can, I think I can” (ie. national anthems) pass out medals for individual skirmishes (battles) nonetheless. These medals are often made of the metal Unobtainium. –From THE UMPIRE HAS NO CLOTHES

Suggested Titles for James Comey’s Book

snl

Comey’s Comets: From Hot Pockets to Deep Dish
FBI FYI: Hacked, Smacked, Sacked
James In the Middle: Between a Rock & A Hard Face
FBI AXE FILES: Murder in the House & Senate
Last House on the Right: My Rancid Meat & Greet
Guns R US: Good Old Boys & Their Walking Brain Dead Toys
Nine Plan 9 Plans: From the Outer Limits to the Oval Office
Elysium 2B: Your Future Silencing the Lambs
The Uncensored Files: Area 51 and the DC Flat Earther Lizard People Trilaterialists
Trump Tweets that Lasted Less Than a Second: “Two wrongs don’t make a right. Three do.”

Live from New York: It’s Binge & Purge Night!

Shark Tank