JACKPOT NOW $650,000,000. Winning the Lottery Bankrupts Your Neighbors: Keeping up the Kardashians (Joneses) is deadly…for you if you go on a drunken binge and commit suicide (your friends and third cousins coming for you calling it “the lottery curse,” or the narcissists next door.) According to Money Magazine: “When people win the lottery, they often spend some of the money on envy-inducing goodies like new cars, boats, and supersized TVs. Researchers say that these lifestyle upgrades then tempt their neighbors to boost their own spending on visible markers of prosperity, even though they haven’t had a sudden run of financial luck. ‘Down the road, that leads to more bankruptcies,’ said Sumit Agarwal, a professor of finance at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business and an author of the study.”
And what would that be: the Umbrella Corporation? No, how about animal rescue and news about animals being slaughtered (including dogs.) Creatures being saved from being skinning alive for furs, electrocuted for Electoral College votes, and kicked or pitch-forked by slaughterhouse workers because cameras are not allowed inside, and no local or national TV news crew will ever follow up on reports, like one in which Brown meats caused the shutdown of a middle school due to a “horrid smell.” (Their spokesman came out to say, “We’ll use a different chemical next time,” and that was enough for reporters. No “what caused the smell?” or “what kind of chemicals are you using on kids?” Don’t ask, don’t tell. They slaughter lambs. Silence of the Lambs?) Interesting facts: 1) people love bacon, and The Baconator is advertised as something you should want to eat. But pigs are as intelligent as dogs, and are sensitive to abuse, which they receive in tight pens causing sores, or are bashed against the wall and left to die covered in flies. By the thousands. 2) Cows are sacred in India, while people think nothing of eating Lassie or Fido in parts of Asia. 3) Meat consumption is highest in the good old USA, as is Alzheimers and dementia, caused by too much iron and protein. (Read The Mind Span Diet by a genetics researcher at Harvard, whose team discovered that in places like Japan and China and Italy, where “iron fortified” or “enriched” does not appear, and people eat less meat, there is far less dementia and heart disease.) 4) Our dogs eat better than our kids. Dog food is touted as “grain free” (free range beef or lamb or chicken) while kids beg their parents to take them to McDonalds due to endless ads and cute toys and the Hamburglar robbing their futures. Those animals either never see the light of day (chickens, except on the way to slaughterhouses), or beef patties (ground together from over a hundred animals which are fed grain by 95% of fast food end games.) The meat is less healthy, too, because it has far fewer nutrients than grass fed. Add to this Coke, which turns good fats bad, and you have a recipe the pharmaceutical giants love most: higher profits for their already rich stockholders snorting coke on their yachts. 5) Hey, it’s a cruel world, buyer beware? The buyer is lied to, spied on, and doesn’t read anything but Tweets. Here’s a question for anyone asking that: “Are you a sociopath? Maybe defect to North Korea and join the herd of fellow Brandwashed lemmings?” Sure, Kim will serve barbecued dissidents for you. While laughing. 6) The Coffee Party. Think about it. A third party which does exist, but nobody talks about. What are they about? Talking, finding solutions, moving forward, not back to the Dark Ages, where ISIS and the Flat Earth Society live. Why? Because, although in any food fight (or nuclear conflict) there are never more than two sides on the killing fields, it’s time to WAKE UP. (…Of course the NFL Dioceses doesn’t care, they are busy discussing plays and “wins,” not soon-to-be Walking Dead brain concussions. “Let the games begin! But first, let us prey.” Insert overflying military jets over budget by billions, and obsolete.) By the way, did you know that light roast coffee is 20 times better for you than dark roast? I didn’t, until I read The Coffee Lovers Diet, by a former science correspondent for a major network. Dark roast beans contain carcinogens from being burnt, and less antioxidants. Been drinking the stuff or years. And used to listen to Rush Limbaugh too, drinking his Kool-aid. Huh. Learn something every day. Live and learn.
ABC: “This just in. Sunny skies over Cleveland today, as a SWAT team burst into the home of Willard Webber, a 50 year old college dropout hooked on crack and jelly beans. Twenty-two abused animals were given fresh air for the first time in years, freed from the hellish smells and body odors emanating from Willard’s bedroom, and the cages. Dogs, cats, snakes, an ocelot, a monkey, and a tattooed potbellied pet pig named Tootsie were resuscitated, fed, watered, and bathed. Their eyes have lost the lost look, and now shine with promise, hope. …Something the Soup Nazi at a Virginia soup kitchen is against, shouting ‘No Hope for you!’”
Monday. You need motivation, right?
How to Become the Next James Patterson: Step 1) Start by thinking in short sentences. (Turn corners sharply. Make entrances sudden. Exit quickly and quietly. Think scary thoughts. Laugh with sinister glee. Slurp your food.) Chapter 2) Develop a demented philosophy of life—if only to express to your alter ego—while staring into the mirror. Begin by repeating this: “Nature is cruel. I am cruel. I am fulfilling Nature’s purpose. Does Nature care about individuals, after all? We’re nothing to Nature or Putin, except as drones who trip in the dark and die. Do I want to be a school teacher, or to burp babies, or to have an affair with my boss? Doesn’t matter. Who cares. I know I don’t. Nor does the Universe, far as I can see. So just get off my back, okay? Go collect postage stamps, join a bowling league, drive around at 2 AM with your car stereo blasting. You will anyway.” Chapter 3) Stop eating oatmeal. Try prunes instead. Chapter 4) Avoid using big words like “mellifluous” or “dysphasic,” which might make critics happy, but won’t keep you on anyone’s recommended beach reading list. (Realize that actually having something to say is somewhat less important than churning out two or eighteen books a year.) Chapter 5) Stop blinking. Chapter 6) When all eyes are on you, wink. Chapter 7) Buy a large, shiny knife. Chapter 8) When you go to the post office, imagine actually going postal. Chapter 9) Develop a taste for organ meats. Chapter 10) Hire a successful agent and twenty co-authors. Finally, realize that the brain is just another organ meat. Prior to cooking realize that, as an organ in the head, the brain is said to contain who we are, the mysterious “us” that we believe should oppose and compete with “them.” Also, it’s the least used organ, particularly by hockey or NASCAR fans. Meanwhile, the most used organ is often referred to as having “a mind of its own.” (Now, many say that sex is mostly in the brain, but of course the people saying this don’t really want to play with their brains. Actually, our brains are only three pound clumps of jelly, which you could probably hold in your hand for at least a few seconds before freaking out. A side benefit of grasping this is in also realizing that for much of your life you’ve been worried about what some other clump of jelly thinks about your own clump of jelly. Meanwhile, at various locations across the country there are three pound jellies who recognize the shell holding your clump, and your clump wonders how these jellies are “doing” or “feeling,” too, and if they are coming close to yours next year for what is termed a “holiday,” and if the alignment of electrical impulses inside your jelly mold can ever “forgive” or “love” or “respect” or “whatever” them again. Or even if you should. Feel better now? If so, you are now ready to become either a mystery writer or a serial killer. Flip a coin. (In either case, please seek help soon.)