Sith Monument Destroyed by Darth Vadar

Star Trek

This just in: Darth was upset when his ambulance overbilled him $18,000 after an asthma attack. The ambulance was driven by a Sith Lord named Disick¬†who took the scenic route at the standing orders of Lord Barron Trillionaire, and so Darth sought out and strangled the “insidious slime” after reading a tweet about the bill, saying HE should be an exception, as are all high brass in the Empire. Darth then looked into overbilling of the Empire by a secret society of med techs living in caves on Alderan. They mail letter bombs to anyone getting close to the truth, and also send embarrassing data to WookieLeaks. Darth is currently trying to find Barron Trillionaire, but the Barron has never been shot down by any Tie fighter, although there were a few ties. And lies. Stay doomed, brokes! More ahead.

Wookie

 

THIS JUST IN: Darth called and said he just read “Small is the New Big,” and is philosophy has changed from “more is more” to “less is more.” He’s giving up living in Palm Beach and has moved into a cabin with the Unabomber…after freeing him from Supermax prison in Colorado…with a light saber.¬†

GOT White Walkers Offer Hope for GOP

White Walkers

That’s Right, brokes. The WHITE WALKERS have gotten up from their walkers and intend to fight global warming by swarming over the ice wall and facing down the dragons with threats and ballistic countermeasures. The blue twitter birds of paradise are all a-Tweet about IT, too. First order of business: save the GOP by changing their emoticon from an elephant to a RIGHT WHALE. Saving actual whales is a side benefit of saving the whales on Wall Street, and will generate free press for the UFC matches to come. Will the strategy work? Time will tell. In the meantime, be sure to stay doomed to this blog for future grim statistics. As each can of Whoopass is opened, new revelations may Usher in Revelations no one anticipated. Not even Taylor Swift. Who is right, and who is wrong? It doesn’t matter anymore, post-truth. Just drink lots of coffee, Light Roast or Dark, and plan to move into your bunker in the next 72 hours.

The Vanishing American Adult by Rep. Ben Sasse….

the vanishing american adult