Since no new major sport has been invented in almost 100 years, the Sports Atheist has offered to help break the static brain freeze of mind-numbed sportscasters, coaches, umpires, and even college presidents looking to put their schools on the map (instead of concentrating on more boring academics to compete with those Chinese now taking over the world.) Walter Witty calls this sport SKYFALL BALL. The insight came to him while taking a breather from advanced calculus associated with calculating the orbital deviation of near-Earth asteroid Kepler 11218.4. “Since the NBA refuses to hear a heretic’s blasphemy about raising the basket, given that players are so much taller now than when the game began,” Witty explains, “I began to imagine a new game in which the basket is as tall as a stadium light post. There’s no dunking because it’s over sixty feet high. It’s not boring because you can use any size ball to score. And, as in other business monopolies, the bigger your balls the more you score. So golf balls get one point, baseballs two, tennis balls three, soccer balls four, and basketballs five. Footballs must be kicked at the goal, but if you score that way, well, your team wins the game. No helmets are allowed. Tackling is permitted, drinking and smoking encouraged. Beer guzzlers wear green, soda guzzlers mellow yellow. Teams are recruited by beverage companies, so it would be, like, the Buds vs. Pepsis in the majors and the Keystones vs. The RCs in the minors. See? If you wanted to add an expansion team like, say, the St. Pauli Girls vs. The Cheerwines, all you’d have to do is pay off the appropriate officials and have your city council post bonds to build another stadium. So far I’ve even had interest by junk food giants wanting to be included in the sport, and several Hollywood screenwriters are pitching ideas for a movie patterned after Rollerball or Death Race 2000. Did I mention there’s only one goal, with thousands of different colored balls on the field? It’s a veritable free-for-all, everyone trying to score and block at the same time. When the big basket is full, a Hunger Games–style whistle is blown and it’s lowered and counted as an inning. Those balls are removed and the game continues—after a beer nuts time out—until balls of all sizes and colors have either scored or made flat. Oh, did I mention ice-picks are issued to the offense for that purpose? Penalties for accidental stabbings consist of flags thrown by officials. . . which are, in fact, lawn darts. Better look up in this sport, my friend, because most of the balls in play are bowling balls. Except in high school and elementary school, of course, where Beach balls and safety pins are substituted, along with Near Beer.”
The basket is as tall as a stadium light post.
No dunking allowed.
Golf balls: one point
Baseballs: two points
Tennis balls: three points
Soccer balls: four points
Basketballs: five points.
Footballs must be kicked at the goal.
Tackling is permitted, helmets not.
Balls of all kinds can score at once.
Team balls are color coded.
Deflation of opposing balls permitted.
Drinking and smoking encouraged.
Bowling score wins.