JACKPOT NOW $650,000,000. Winning the Lottery Bankrupts Your Neighbors: Keeping up the Kardashians (Joneses) is deadly…for you if you go on a drunken binge and commit suicide (your friends and third cousins coming for you calling it “the lottery curse,” or the narcissists next door.) According to Money Magazine: “When people win the lottery, they often spend some of the money on envy-inducing goodies like new cars, boats, and supersized TVs. Researchers say that these lifestyle upgrades then tempt their neighbors to boost their own spending on visible markers of prosperity, even though they haven’t had a sudden run of financial luck. ‘Down the road, that leads to more bankruptcies,’ said Sumit Agarwal, a professor of finance at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business and an author of the study.”
Facts about Barron: He is well groomed, and uses caviar moisturizer. He likes things, quote, “clean and white.” He speaks Slovene. His mother is not named Rosemary. His nickname is “Mini-Meme.”
Meanwhile, Justin Bieber (aka “the New Fonz”) is helping to launch a “bold new fashion line” of…white tee shirts. Says the designer, “It’s a democratic shirt.” She didn’t mean the Democratic Party. She meant, “democracy,” as in “the people have spoken.” Well, not most people, but the Electoral College vote. Like the private school that Barron attends. …Now what we need is a white shirt with coffee stains in support of The Coffee Party.
It has been rumored that Baron Trump might be the AntiChrist. As Ryback Solomon reports, “His very soul sold to the Devil in an auction at the Waffle House. God knows we need superhuman powers to overcome the massive deficits that face us, so selling your soul to the Devil for a clean balance sheet makes perfect sense in this economy. . . and, I might add, this country as we know it will also expire in a sea of red ink worthy of the Lake of Fire.” Press secretary spokesdemons have so far offered no comment. However, interior decorators for the White House report an order for a black velvet rug for the Oval Office with a large red pentagram in the center. In other McNews, the False Profit is about to be revealed as Joel Osteen, who won the post over National Nuke’em News TSAR candidate Anthony Robbins (who has been too busy with the Anthony Action Figures launch at Toys R Us to devote much time to his campaign.) At his acceptance speech, Osteen summarized his qualifications for the job by saying, “I have the biggest church in America, and a huge TV audience, and one of the top selling books of all time. Just look at me, up here on this massive stage. Look at my hair. Look at my suit. Look at the giant golden globe turning behind me. Am I not charismatic? Am I not beautiful? Am I not the perfect candidate for the job?” Baron’s barber concurred by claiming to have seen three sixes on Baron’s scalp, although he later retracted the statement, saying, “they could have been three nines, and part of a series, perhaps a numbered Swiss account?”