Just how bad is it out there? A new plan floated by the new so-called “Super Duper Pooper Blooper” Committee, and declared “untenable” by Bill Clinton, is to tax both cheaters and philanderers double. But the so-called “forbidden fruit” tax is just one of the proposals put forth (as an alternative to taxing the rich or cutting defense spending, which are “as unthinkable as term limits” to both sides.) An additional proposal is to triple-tax all products related to “sin,” which is defined as “anything which has been demonstrated to increase Medicare costs in the future.” This includes soda, ice cream, pizza, potato chips, candy, grain fed beef, factory raised chicken, cigarettes, alcohol, and television sets. In addition, all bald men and women with freckles would be taxed quadruple “because there’s not enough revenue projected otherwise, just to break even.” Yet if all of these measures are enacted, plus a 9% National Sales Tax, not one dime toward paying down the deficit would result, nor would we have money for roads and schools. . . but at least we wouldn’t be looking at exponential increases in the debt due to the buying of new weapons systems for future wars. “An impressive power grab as the lights go out due to cyclonic winds.” —Ryback Solomon
In related McNews, a new cigarette is being developed by Charles Lipton, a Tea Party psychic who claims to have channeled Steve Jobs, is the STEAM CIGARETTE, an e-cigarette which requires green tea to refill. “It’s a healthy choice, particularly by teens looking at the coolness factor, and considering the alternative of choking on the same substance used in rat poison. But hey—who am I to say, right?” The iCig 2.2 will also sync with iTunes and massage your lips when you have an email or text message. Penalty for using a real cigarette is soon to be double taxation for life, with audits beginning at age 21, run by ex Scientology auditors, to pay for Harvey and Irma debt…conducted inside a McDonalds meat freezer with Michael Keaton as Batman doing security.
YouTube to Drop Hit Counters: Hacker Jeffrey Kagillionaire (not his real name) has not only won fame among the criminally insane as having stolen eighty million identities, (after cracking enough widow’s nest eggs to make the world’s biggest–albeit now defunct–Egg McMuffin), but he has wired so much money to his Caymans bank that he has melted servers in the process (a feat unmatched since Kim Kardashian’s wedding.) Now Jeff is broke again, due to Irma flooding, and has targeted YouTube, posting his first video (a cat burglar sipping cream from Donald Trump’s refrigerator), and altered the hit counter on the same day to reflect a Googol (10 to the power of 100, or more people than have ever existed times the grains of coke snorted off the thighs of Pablo Escobar’s mistresses.) So Google and YouTube have decided to drop the hit counters displayed on cat videos, telling Congress and the Super Duper Committee, “this will also save the economy from collapse and gunfire by increasing productivity, while leveling the playing field by eliminating the advantage billions of cat videos now enjoy.” Physicist Brian Greene has agreed, stating that “this will cause a ripple effect in the rest of the universe as well, eliminating the dark forces exerted by billions and billions of other black holes out there. And maybe there won’t be so many alternate universes in which game shows have led to mass extinctions, too.”