Pixie Dust Bandit Targets Washington

dogs

An out of work chemical engineer from Ohio named Jeffrey Clinkscales, after being gassed and bludgeoned for protesting the Wolf of Wall Street’s new book, today tried to fly over Washington DC and drop a payload of “powder” on the Capitol Building. Unfortunately for us all, his Piper Cub was intercepted and blown out of the sky by an $34,000,000 F15 Strike Fighter with an $850,000 Hellfire missile. The F15 subsequently crashed into a house, which was luckily vacant after being foreclosed. Notes from Clinkscales’ lab show that the “powder” in question was a blend of hallucinogen and truth drug he’d nicknamed “pixie dust,” and his experiments with mice had confirmed that it would “loosen the grip” of ennui, stagnation, and stalemate which the politicians on the Hill are experiencing, forcing them to “face the facts” and begin to compromise in this national crisis. Given his failure to seed the greedy, and the fact that the DEA destroyed all remaining powder and the formula for its creation, Congress and the Super Duper Committee raising the Debt Ceiling to the moon are once more deadlocked, and instead of compromising they have lowered a screen on the rotunda stage, and are now watching the movie Never Give An Inch, starring Henry Fonda. Ushers are serving popcorn, high fructose soda and beer, while hired movie theater cleaners prepare to scape the sticky remains off floors and seats. In other McNews, Peak Oil doomsayers are rumored to be investing in gold as hackers pretending to be police call Do-Not-Call Listers and Equifax victims for donations to their Big Pharma fund project.

Trumpcare

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North Korea Takes Credit for Irma

North Korea

Just how bad is it out there? A new plan floated by the new so-called “Super Duper Pooper Blooper” Committee, and declared “untenable” by Bill Clinton, is to tax both cheaters and philanderers double. But the so-called “forbidden fruit” tax is just one of the proposals put forth (as an alternative to taxing the rich or cutting defense spending, which are “as unthinkable as term limits” to both sides.) An additional proposal is to triple-tax all products related to “sin,” which is defined as “anything which has been demonstrated to increase Medicare costs in the future.” This includes soda, ice cream, pizza, potato chips, candy, grain fed beef, factory raised chicken, cigarettes, alcohol, and television sets. In addition, all bald men and women with freckles would be taxed quadruple “because there’s not enough revenue projected otherwise, just to break even.” Yet if all of these measures are enacted, plus a 9% National Sales Tax, not one dime toward paying down the deficit would result, nor would we have money for roads and schools. . . but at least we wouldn’t be looking at exponential increases in the debt due to the buying of new weapons systems for future wars. “An impressive power grab as the lights go out due to cyclonic winds.” —Ryback Solomon

Washington

In related McNews, a new cigarette is being developed by Charles Lipton, a Tea Party psychic who claims to have channeled Steve Jobs, is the STEAM CIGARETTE, an e-cigarette which requires green tea to refill. “It’s a healthy choice, particularly by teens looking at the coolness factor, and considering the alternative of choking on the same substance used in rat poison. But hey—who am I to say, right?” The iCig 2.2 will also sync with iTunes and massage your lips when you have an email or text message. Penalty for using a real cigarette is soon to be double taxation for life, with audits beginning at age 21, run by ex Scientology auditors, to pay for Harvey and Irma debt…conducted inside a McDonalds meat freezer with Michael Keaton as Batman doing security.

scifi

YouTube to Drop Hit Counters: Hacker Jeffrey Kagillionaire (not his real name) has not only won fame among the criminally insane as having stolen eighty million identities, (after cracking enough widow’s nest eggs to make the world’s biggest–albeit now defunct–Egg McMuffin), but he has wired so much money to his Caymans bank that he has melted servers in the process (a feat unmatched since Kim Kardashian’s wedding.) Now Jeff is broke again, due to Irma flooding, and has targeted YouTube, posting his first video (a cat burglar sipping cream from Donald Trump’s refrigerator), and altered the hit counter on the same day to reflect a Googol (10 to the power of 100, or more people than have ever existed times the grains of coke snorted off the thighs of Pablo Escobar’s mistresses.) So Google and YouTube have decided to drop the hit counters displayed on cat videos, telling Congress and the Super Duper Committee, “this will also save the economy from collapse and gunfire by increasing productivity, while leveling the playing field by eliminating the advantage billions of cat videos now enjoy.” Physicist Brian Greene has agreed, stating that “this will cause a ripple effect in the rest of the universe as well, eliminating the dark forces exerted by billions and billions of other black holes out there. And maybe there won’t be so many alternate universes in which game shows have led to mass extinctions, too.”

NEWS: Stay Doomed for More

fake news

Breakfast, America?

…Blue Mondays, blues music, blue Avatar and Game of Thrones creatures, little blue pills, blue balls in India, blue light specials (even on the Alexa app advertised in the Emoji Movie), and….red balloons….

Taylor Swift
Celebrities can bend time and space around them by sheer power of ego. There is no escape from the singularity at the center of the BlackHole of nightmares and dreamscapes. Just ask Stephen King.

NOT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

2022 Olympics

People insist that “the game must go on.” Even though the Olympic Games bankrupt the cities they are in, now, and result in rioting, looting, and gunfire. Rio is now the #1 most dangerous city on Earth, with an app for citizens to track all the shootings. 10% of the entire world’s urban homicides occur in Rio. Over 5000 per year. But oh, the promise of the Olympics! It was going to bring such prosperity and joy! With stadiums now rotting in the sun, with infrastructure failing, with roads full of potholes, with transportation breaking down, and…oh, nevermind. THE GAMES MUST GO ON!

FIFA soccer
Riots, public debt, potholes, countries dropping out of the Olympics due to the headaches…are people becoming Sports ATHEISTS?

ADDICTION– This is a psychological or physiological dependence on something. In the case of sports fans, the compulsion to watch men in tight shorts make repetitious and hypnotic movements with a sense of purpose that ultimately proves to be illusory.
ALPHABET– These are your basic ABCs, used not merely to describe soup, but also everything else. Think of them as tools to replace grunts and whistles and nods and (hopefully) belches or farts.
AMELIORATE– To make better or improve. Using this word may also improve your love life if you happen to be in a Bachelor Pad with coeds looking to find a man who reads something other than the sports pages. Because you will never hear a sports announcer say, “that pass return truly ameliorated his rushing record.”
AMERICAN’T– What the Chinese call America, since Americans can’t stop watching sports long enough to manufacture anything. As part of their subversive campaign, the Chinese mimic our athletes and pretend to be enthralled with American culture, even as they steal military blueprints online and share the embarrassing stuff with Russia.
ANGST– This is a feeling of trepidation or apprehension which may (or may not) be associated with witnessing your gray hair falling out in clumps after youʼve just arranged your trading card collection for the 8000th time.
CRAZY BOY– A special deluxe Lazy Boy model featuring heated and refrigerated coasters, a voice activated mini bar, a retractable cheese fountain, and a defibrillator.
INCREDIBULL— Something so outrageous and wrong that everyone hypnotically buys into it.
JUST DO IT– A slogan once popular at Penn State, and now at the State Pen.
SPORTS BAR– A place of worship equipped with multiple wide-screen HDTVs, open on Sunday. Worshipers may maintain altars at home, too, for ritual sacrifices of lamb, steer, and chicken. But they may not dress in holy garments fanatically displaying the proper colors for ceremonial penitence unless their high priests aren’t “cooking” on the “gridiron.”
STUPORBOWL– A drinking contest held after the Super Bowl, usually by the losing team.
SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME– What happens to an obese fan whose cholesterol clotted heart has been living on borrowed time up until the moment he realizes that his lost wager may result in getting his kneecaps shattered by a guy named Vinny.
WAR– A game no one can win, although referees whose favorite song is “I think I can, I think I can” (ie. national anthems) pass out medals for individual skirmishes (battles) nonetheless. These medals are often made of the metal Unobtainium.

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