JACKPOT NOW $650,000,000. Winning the Lottery Bankrupts Your Neighbors: Keeping up the Kardashians (Joneses) is deadly…for you if you go on a drunken binge and commit suicide (your friends and third cousins coming for you calling it “the lottery curse,” or the narcissists next door.) According to Money Magazine: “When people win the lottery, they often spend some of the money on envy-inducing goodies like new cars, boats, and supersized TVs. Researchers say that these lifestyle upgrades then tempt their neighbors to boost their own spending on visible markers of prosperity, even though they haven’t had a sudden run of financial luck. ‘Down the road, that leads to more bankruptcies,’ said Sumit Agarwal, a professor of finance at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business and an author of the study.”
Facts about Barron: He is well groomed, and uses caviar moisturizer. He likes things, quote, “clean and white.” He speaks Slovene. His mother is not named Rosemary. His nickname is “Mini-Meme.”
Meanwhile, Justin Bieber (aka “the New Fonz”) is helping to launch a “bold new fashion line” of…white tee shirts. Says the designer, “It’s a democratic shirt.” She didn’t mean the Democratic Party. She meant, “democracy,” as in “the people have spoken.” Well, not most people, but the Electoral College vote. Like the private school that Barron attends. …Now what we need is a white shirt with coffee stains in support of The Coffee Party.
In other McNews, Trump, according to the NY Times, is playing into the hands Kim Jong-un (by the way, congrats to Jong boy, he just surpassed Kim Kardashian in number of searches.) The reasoning goes that Trump is just like Kim, pandering to his audience and inciting fear of “the other side” in this Dr. Doom game. (By the way, watch “The Other Guys” movie: hilarious take on advertising and one-upsmanship.) Both can fire up their fans with ballistic rhetoric. Both are cowards, too. Hey, I’m not the one saying it. Okay, not alone. When has either of these clowns actually sacrificed anything? Kim is a grinning despot, madder than the Hatter, and Trump is a former game show host whose favorite book is “The Art of War,” along with his own books, which were “dictated” and ghost written (shades of Ghost Hunters or James Patterson, who lives near Trump in another mansion.) Both surround themselves with loyal minions and relatives and military generals. Disagree with Trump and “you’re fired.” Disagree with Kim and it’s the firing squad. Trump is “very, very” good at what he does. Just listen to him saying this. He plays to uneducated people as his base, and they have hunkered down inside this bunker, lobbing verbal grenades at anyone who disagrees. Tweets and Instagram posts and Youtube videos. Kaboom! Kaboom! Ka-Doom! The reason he adds “very, very” to everything is because his vocabulary is limited. Look what I found while looking up the definition of “very:” “Past participles that have become established as adjectives can, like most English adjectives, be modified by the adverb very: a very driven person; we were very concerned for your safety. Very does not modify past participles that are clearly verbal; for example, The lid was very sealed is not an idiomatic construction, while The lid was very tightly sealed is. Sometimes confusion arises over whether a given past participle is adjectival and thus able to be modified by very without an intervening adverb. However, there is rarely any objection to the use of this intervening adverb, no matter how the past participle is functioning. Such use often occurs in edited writing: We were very much relieved to find the children asleep. They were very greatly excited by the news. I feel very badly cheated.” Coffee Party? Time to wake up. What’s really wrong with the world is that here are too many “marketing geniuses” and too little quality content. We should be telling Kim that he can star in the next Hollywood blockbuster: Emoji Movie 2: Rise of the North Koreans. That would “blow up” his mind while scoring one for the Lipper.
That’s Right, brokes. The WHITE WALKERS have gotten up from their walkers and intend to fight global warming by swarming over the ice wall and facing down the dragons with threats and ballistic countermeasures. The blue twitter birds of paradise are all a-Tweet about IT, too. First order of business: save the GOP by changing their emoticon from an elephant to a RIGHT WHALE. Saving actual whales is a side benefit of saving the whales on Wall Street, and will generate free press for the UFC matches to come. Will the strategy work? Time will tell. In the meantime, be sure to stay doomed to this blog for future grim statistics. As each can of Whoopass is opened, new revelations may Usher in Revelations no one anticipated. Not even Taylor Swift. Who is right, and who is wrong? It doesn’t matter anymore, post-truth. Just drink lots of coffee, Light Roast or Dark, and plan to move into your bunker in the next 72 hours.
The Vanishing American Adult by Rep. Ben Sasse….