Dead Woman in Trailer Had $500G in CASH

news

A woman living in a trailer was discovered dead, sleeping on a mattress with $150G used as stuffing. $350G more was found used as insulation in her walls. Gertrude “Izzy” Rosenstein had no living relatives, and hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years. She ate Ramen noodles, and feared banks, going out, and squirrels. According to cable company records, she watched the Food Network, The Kardashians, and The Travel Channel…although the bulk of her time was spent watching game shows, televangelists, and other reality TV shows. She left a Will written on a pizza box, leaving her “estate” to Victor Cashman, a preacher now living in Dubai after being acquitted of fraud in Florida. No other details are known at this time. Except that she was once married to an executive at Goldman Sachs.

scifi

In other McNews, Dubai police are employing robots who can’t shout “Stop or I’ll shoot!” because they have no mouths. They also have no guns, so they can’t shoot. Some people are trying to use them as teller machines, but they have no money either. And the author of the scifi story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison) is considering a lawsuit just for the fun of it. 

health

Finally, is Mario Batali from Italy? Not the chef, but his spaghetti. According to the author of THE MIND SPAN DIET all flour products in America have added iron, which is a suspected cause of Alzheimers and Parkinsons. In Italy they do not “enrich” with iron, and have far less cases of these diseases (also they eat less meat.) So why is there added iron to Batali’s pasta products, listed as “Product of Italy”? Note that Alma’s have zero iron, listed as 100% Italian whole wheat. Of course health is not a subject likely to be touted on cooking shows and Iron Chef competitions. All that matters is taste. Expecting them to discuss health or PETA is like asking Mr. Wonderful on Shark Tank to discuss Pope Francis. “Crawl out of here like the cockroach you are.”

.

POP Quiz: Only one of the above paragraphs is real. Can you guess which?

 

News No One Will Ever Use

news

SATIRE: humor that uses exaggeration, wit, irony, and/or sarcasm to expose and discredit vice or folly. The World’s First Trillionaire: a recluse named Howard Rosen explains to the Rolling Stone how he became Super Duper Rich, with extended lifespan, a yacht that is also a sub (with nuclear torpedoes), and why his mansions and luxury cars don’t show up on Google Maps. (Also, why the NSA fears him, even when he walks or takes Cash Cab.) http://TowerReview.com/Trillionaire.html

Comey news

Neil Degrasse Tyson

Coming to a neighborhood near you.

The History Channel

Zombie Prisons for Marijuana Users?

vape

LA TIMES) Ordering federal prosecutors on Friday to crack down on drug offenders, Atty. Gen. Jeff Sessions made clear he wants the Justice Department to turn the clock back to an earlier, tougher era in the four-decades-long war on drugs. In a memo, Sessions said federal prosecutors should “charge and pursue the most serious, readily provable offense” in drug cases, even when that would trigger mandatory minimum sentencing. Mandatory sentencing laws for drug users have been controversial for years, and many Republicans as well as Democrats now oppose them as unfair, ineffective and too costly.
.
Leaked by InfoWars Prison Planet: 1) Having rejected science in favor of pseudo-sanity, planet Earth will be turned into a giant Elysium set (ie. prison.) The poor (formerly middle class) will live in squalor, smoking weed saved from the robotic Agent Orange sprayers that criss-cross the fields, making sure all crops are imbued with the “essence of Aquarius” (ie. cancer.) 2) Flogging robots will make the rounds to villages (cells), supplying punishment in the form of “cats of nine tales” (whips, chains, and speakers broadcasting updates on how work on luxury bunkers and the National Space Station for the Uber Rich is progressing.) 3) Pot smokers will be provided with an avenue to freedom in the form of a Hunger Game duel to the death. One lucky survivor will be allowed a tour of the White House and West Wing luncheon…while in shackles.       
ZombiesIn other McNews: NEN has learned that trucks reportedly carrying bombs actually contain props for a new game show to be unleashed on unsuspecting Americans called WANNABE ZOMBIES.  “These are crazed contestants who believe in the radical religion of celebrity so much that they are willing to do anything,” claims producer Mark Burnette, “including being injected with virus memes and becoming vampires and zombies.” We were unable to obtain the details about how this was accomplished, except that the contestants are all out-of-work TV addicts being cut from unemployment benefit roles (to build more bombs.) In the meantime, huckster game show hosts continue their unrelenting assault on sanity, claiming God or the Almighty Dollar (et. al.) are the best blinders to wear while singing, “if that’s all there is, my friend, then let’s keep dancing. . .”

Justin Bieber Building Bunker

Bieber
Abandons tax haven yacht in favor of building bunker.

The Biebs is a Belieber in Survival. In the latest McNews, direct from InfoWars Prison Planet, he is building a bunker in anticipation of World War 3 breaking out, “any second.” What should you do? Continue to play the latest first person shooter distractions until your life force is extinguished in real life. Sooner rather than later. “The end is here.”

Justin Bieber