Trump to Hire DC Comics to Fight Press


Trump doesn’t just read comic books. Here are other favorites (he says), besides his own books (dictated to co-writers.)

  1. THE ART OF WAR by Sun Tzu
  2. THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING by Norman Vincent Peale
  3. ESSAYS by Ralph Waldo Emerson
  4. THE PRINCE by Machiavelli
  5. IDEAS and OPINIONS by Einstein (know thine enemy?)
  6. THE PARTY (The Secret World of China’s Communist Leaders)
  7. ON CHINA by Henry Kissinger
  8. MAO: The Untold Story by Jung Chang
  9. TIDE PLAYERS by Jianying Zha
  10. ONE BILLION CUSTOMERS by James Mcgregor
  11. junk food




When Jason’s at my table
he looks at other bugs too, ya know.
Ya think he just doin’ it ta make me jealous?
‘Cause he, like, textin’ me booty all night, y’all.
So, like, what ya think? Take a fall? Wink, wink?
That other bug pretty?
How’d she even crawl in here?
Ya see her sneer? Wanna jump her?
She’s so short, an’ tacky wacky.
Who wears “Cheat Her?” Jeter?
Can we go to the bug room,
watch’em smoke dope on a rope with the Pope?
I really need some MY time, some EYE time.
But first, let me take a Shelfie.
Can u dudes, like, help me pick some shades?
I dunno if I should, like, go with a Pro.
I wanna look like I been MADE!
What would capture my essence?
I want it to be, like, forever. Like never.
How about “bitchin’ with my witches,”
I got, like, 10 likes in duh last 6 seconds.
Do ya think I should, like, read a book
on a Nook?
‘Cause FaceOn just liked my Kindle
Not my iPhone 8 or P-Diddily iMingle.
That bug over there such a faker
Wants ta tangle, den acts like a Quaker!
She bought all her InstaJam followers
But who would, like, come outta duh woodwork
to swallow her?
Okay, les go take some shots on the rocks.
Jump an’ bump, hop an’ scotch.
Oh my god, bugger jus’ texted me
Wants ta, like, hit the books,
take a Shelfie. What do I say?


TaxDay: A Definition


TaxDay: A time for the middle class working slaves to pay all the bills. (Fear: that once the middle class is extinct, increasing deficits will bust the economy, and everyone will take their millions of AR-15s and Saturday Night Specials into the streets and stores for Blue Light Specials. “At the end of the day,” even Eminem will have to move back into a trailer with his mom.)

ComicConComic CON: a National Event the day after the collapse of the economy, when everyone who owns a Superhero uniform will wear them while robbing jewelry stores and invading gated communities.

MOVIE: a “viral video” that you pay to watch. Longer than the typical cat video featured on local and national news programs (as a parting upbeat moment after showing terrorist clips sponsored by Coke, Pepsi, and prescription drugs), featuring high tech comic book characters whose dialogue consists of one-liners shorter than most Presidential Tweets. Usually violent, inane, and with no redeeming value except to reinforce simplistic stereotypes about the nature of good and evil, sex, violence, and clashing egos, these movies are an alternative to watching the NFL, but with a higher special effects budget…except for the Superbowl commercials, which employ thousands of technicians to animate and light bubbles rising in beer mugs and soda bottles.