Dead Woman in Trailer Had $500G in CASH

news

A woman living in a trailer was discovered dead, sleeping on a mattress with $150G used as stuffing. $350G more was found used as insulation in her walls. Gertrude “Izzy” Rosenstein had no living relatives, and hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years. She ate Ramen noodles, and feared banks, going out, and squirrels. According to cable company records, she watched the Food Network, The Kardashians, and The Travel Channel…although the bulk of her time was spent watching game shows, televangelists, and other reality TV shows. She left a Will written on a pizza box, leaving her “estate” to Victor Cashman, a preacher now living in Dubai after being acquitted of fraud in Florida. No other details are known at this time. Except that she was once married to an executive at Goldman Sachs.

scifi

In other McNews, Dubai police are employing robots who can’t shout “Stop or I’ll shoot!” because they have no mouths. They also have no guns, so they can’t shoot. Some people are trying to use them as teller machines, but they have no money either. And the author of the scifi story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison) is considering a lawsuit just for the fun of it. 

health

Finally, is Mario Batali from Italy? Not the chef, but his spaghetti. According to the author of THE MIND SPAN DIET all flour products in America have added iron, which is a suspected cause of Alzheimers and Parkinsons. In Italy they do not “enrich” with iron, and have far less cases of these diseases (also they eat less meat.) So why is there added iron to Batali’s pasta products, listed as “Product of Italy”? Note that Alma’s have zero iron, listed as 100% Italian whole wheat. Of course health is not a subject likely to be touted on cooking shows and Iron Chef competitions. All that matters is taste. Expecting them to discuss health or PETA is like asking Mr. Wonderful on Shark Tank to discuss Pope Francis. “Crawl out of here like the cockroach you are.”

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POP Quiz: Only one of the above paragraphs is real. Can you guess which?

 

Dubai to Build World’s Scariest Waterslide

DubaiWould you take this waterslide?  YES or NO?

NASA

“Really?”

Dubai
A suspense set in Dubai and Tucson about a drone attack on the world’s tallest building, and two people caught up in violence, kidnapping, and romance.

Guest Poet: George W. Bush

The work in here starts early.
The boss is pressed for time.
You never smell the roses.
You haven’t got a dime.
Machines are made for progress
but what you wanna bet
they raise that quota higher
until you’re drippin’ sweat.
But hey, ya should be grateful
to keep their plant on line:
they kissin’ girls in Rio
an’ sippin’ bubbly wine.
Jus’ keep that meter runnin’
you boys in blue and black,
and remember, no vacations
until you break your back.

THE SHELFIE SONG

SELFIES

 

When Jason’s at my table
he looks at other bugs too, ya know.
Ya think he just doin’ it ta make me jealous?
‘Cause he, like, textin’ me booty all night, y’all.
So, like, what ya think? Take a fall? Wink, wink?
That other bug pretty?
How’d she even crawl in here?
Ya see her sneer? Wanna jump her?
She’s so short, an’ tacky wacky.
Who wears “Cheat Her?” Jeter?
Can we go to the bug room,
watch’em smoke dope on a rope with the Pope?
I really need some MY time, some EYE time.
But first, let me take a Shelfie.
.
Can u dudes, like, help me pick some shades?
I dunno if I should, like, go with a Pro.
I wanna look like I been MADE!
What would capture my essence?
I want it to be, like, forever. Like never.
How about “bitchin’ with my witches,”
I got, like, 10 likes in duh last 6 seconds.
Do ya think I should, like, read a book
on a Nook?
‘Cause FaceOn just liked my Kindle
Not my iPhone 8 or P-Diddily iMingle.
That bug over there such a faker
Wants ta tangle, den acts like a Quaker!
She bought all her InstaJam followers
But who would, like, come outta duh woodwork
to swallow her?
Okay, les go take some shots on the rocks.
Jump an’ bump, hop an’ scotch.
Oh my god, bugger jus’ texted me
Wants ta, like, hit the books,
take a Shelfie. What do I say?
“Okay?”