Dead Woman in Trailer Had $500G in CASH

news

A woman living in a trailer was discovered dead, sleeping on a mattress with $150G used as stuffing. $350G more was found used as insulation in her walls. Gertrude “Izzy” Rosenstein had no living relatives, and hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years. She ate Ramen noodles, and feared banks, going out, and squirrels. According to cable company records, she watched the Food Network, The Kardashians, and The Travel Channel…although the bulk of her time was spent watching game shows, televangelists, and other reality TV shows. She left a Will written on a pizza box, leaving her “estate” to Victor Cashman, a preacher now living in Dubai after being acquitted of fraud in Florida. No other details are known at this time. Except that she was once married to an executive at Goldman Sachs.

scifi

In other McNews, Dubai police are employing robots who can’t shout “Stop or I’ll shoot!” because they have no mouths. They also have no guns, so they can’t shoot. Some people are trying to use them as teller machines, but they have no money either. And the author of the scifi story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison) is considering a lawsuit just for the fun of it. 

health

Finally, is Mario Batali from Italy? Not the chef, but his spaghetti. According to the author of THE MIND SPAN DIET all flour products in America have added iron, which is a suspected cause of Alzheimers and Parkinsons. In Italy they do not “enrich” with iron, and have far less cases of these diseases (also they eat less meat.) So why is there added iron to Batali’s pasta products, listed as “Product of Italy”? Note that Alma’s have zero iron, listed as 100% Italian whole wheat. Of course health is not a subject likely to be touted on cooking shows and Iron Chef competitions. All that matters is taste. Expecting them to discuss health or PETA is like asking Mr. Wonderful on Shark Tank to discuss Pope Francis. “Crawl out of here like the cockroach you are.”

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POP Quiz: Only one of the above paragraphs is real. Can you guess which?

 

Dubai to Build World’s Scariest Waterslide

DubaiWould you take this waterslide?  YES or NO?

NASA

“Really?”

Dubai
A suspense set in Dubai and Tucson about a drone attack on the world’s tallest building, and two people caught up in violence, kidnapping, and romance.

Guest Poet: George W. Bush

The work in here starts early.
The boss is pressed for time.
You never smell the roses.
You haven’t got a dime.
Machines are made for progress
but what you wanna bet
they raise that quota higher
until you’re drippin’ sweat.
But hey, ya should be grateful
to keep their plant on line:
they kissin’ girls in Rio
an’ sippin’ bubbly wine.
Jus’ keep that meter runnin’
you boys in blue and black,
and remember, no vacations
until you break your back.

THE SHELFIE SONG

SELFIES

 

When Jason’s at my table
he looks at other bugs too, ya know.
Ya think he just doin’ it ta make me jealous?
‘Cause he, like, textin’ me booty all night, y’all.
So, like, what ya think? Take a fall? Wink, wink?
That other bug pretty?
How’d she even crawl in here?
Ya see her sneer? Wanna jump her?
She’s so short, an’ tacky wacky.
Who wears “Cheat Her?” Jeter?
Can we go to the bug room,
watch’em smoke dope on a rope with the Pope?
I really need some MY time, some EYE time.
But first, let me take a Shelfie.
.
Can u dudes, like, help me pick some shades?
I dunno if I should, like, go with a Pro.
I wanna look like I been MADE!
What would capture my essence?
I want it to be, like, forever. Like never.
How about “bitchin’ with my witches,”
I got, like, 10 likes in duh last 6 seconds.
Do ya think I should, like, read a book
on a Nook?
‘Cause FaceOn just liked my Kindle
Not my iPhone 8 or P-Diddily iMingle.
That bug over there such a faker
Wants ta tangle, den acts like a Quaker!
She bought all her InstaJam followers
But who would, like, come outta duh woodwork
to swallow her?
Okay, les go take some shots on the rocks.
Jump an’ bump, hop an’ scotch.
Oh my god, bugger jus’ texted me
Wants ta, like, hit the books,
take a Shelfie. What do I say?
“Okay?”

 

Televangelist Spamming Everyone

Chuck Todd

From:  VCashman697@hotdog.com
To:  Chuck.Todd2@youhoo.com
Subject:  We Need Your Help Desperately
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Dear Chuck,
   The ministry here has been suffering of late with overhead expenses, and we could really use a love gift from you, a special friend of Vic Cashman International.  May God touch you and bless you, even as He places a figure on your heart to help us share this message with a lost and dying world.  Thank you, dear listener, for being a willing servant in His loving hands.  –Victor in Victory
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From:  Chuck.Todd2@youhoo.com
To:  VCashman697@hotdog.com
Subject:  VC International
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Dear Vic,
   Thanks so much for the email.  Actually, I’m curious as to where you obtained my email address, and what the phrase “special friend” really means to you, if anything. Could you also describe your expenses to me?  I have expenses too, but have never thought of writing to a stranger asking that they assist me in paying them by implying that God will smile on them if they do so. Your email goes beyond this, in fact, to suggest that if I do send you money that I might one day need for heart surgery (having missed just one insurance payment) that I will somehow prevent the demise of others, who I also do not know, and who may also be having overhead problems. Having just Googled you, I now see where your difficulties may lie in that regard, and if you will allow me to offer a word of advice without charge, it appears you may have overextended yourself in purchasing that new Mercedes E400, along with that beach house in the Hamptons. (I’ve always wanted a kidney shaped pool like that, especially after I lost a kidney to a mugger with a three inch blade.) I see your son is enrolled in a private school, and I believe you’d save about thirty grand by putting him in public school. Of course you’d save even more if your wife stopped with the designer handbags, and you dropped your country club membership. I know you say God doesn’t want His servants to be poor or anything hellish like that. (Heaven knows we’ve all heard Creflo and Benny and Ken and Joyce on this subject as we quickly scan past them on our way to acid reflux infomercials.) But, I mean, come on. Ever thought of flying coach to Aspen rather than in your own Cessna Citation? Seems to me God wouldn’t condemn you for cutting a pilot from the staff, considering Jesus hoofed it in sandals across dust, not tarmac. (Although there may be other reasons He’ll punch your ticket to hell.) It would solve your “overhead” problems too, and a lot more efficiently than sending spam to someone whose Uncle Pete was bankrupted by supporting you, and who, therefore, left nothing in his Will for. . . Yours Truly, Chuck Upton-Todd II
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From:  VCashman697@hotdog.com
To:  Chuck.Todd2@youhoo.com
Subject:  We Need Your Help Desperately
.
Dear Mr. Truly,
   Thank you for your inquiry. If you are writing with a prayer request or to order pastor Vic’s new DVD series MAKE EVERY DAY CHRISTMAS, please call the hotline number below. If you can make a donation of $20 or more, in any event, this would greatly be appreciated. If you would like the DVD sermons, the cost is $39.95 plus shipping and handling. If you have a vehicle or estate for donation to the ministry, stay on the line after placing your order and a prayer partner will assist you. May God bless you richly with untold bounty as your seed of Truth is sown, rooting itself in Paradise. –Pastor Vic
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Call Center:  Hello, you’ve reached Vic International.
CT:  Don’t you mean Vic Cashman International Ministries?
CC:  Yes, of course, sir.  May we pray with you today?
CT:  No, I’m calling to talk to Vic.
CC:  I’m sorry?
CT:  Cashman. Victor Cashman. Are you Indian or something? You sound Indian.
CC:  Yes, I am from India, sir. And I’m sorry, but Mr. Cashman is not here.
CT:  Where is here, exactly?
CC:  I’m sorry?
CT:  Where are you, right now, this moment?
CC:  (after a pause)  In India, sir. Didn’t I just say this?
CT:  No, you didn’t. But it’s nice to see how Vic’s cutting overhead.

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