Major Shakeups in Your Church

Not Entertainment NewsBe sure to check with your church, and change your passcodes. Your church is under attack by scandalous fake news sites with a horrific data surge threatening to collapse the…hold…holdthis just in:   τ∂tp(V,t)=−∂V[(μ(t)−V)p(V,t)]+σ2(t)2∂2Vp(V,t)!

“Quant“: A quantitative analyst whose job it is to provide his employer with means by which to maximize profit at all cost to their clients. Historically, the quant caused the Great Recession by creating complex financial instruments like credit default swaps, thereby shunting risk onto the taxpayers (ie. grandma and grandpa), reducing their funeral processions to two drunken uncles and a casket salesman who once sold used Chevy Comets. A quant’s habitat is usually the upper floors of upscale buildings, particularly penthouses. Drug of choice is Peruvian cocaine, while their clients typically take more dangerous drugs, like those advertised on TV, such as for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heartburn, or depression. Call your doctor right away if you notice itching, hives, swelling, trouble breathing, blistering, bloody stools, nausea, spasms, confusion, cramps, diarrhea, gas, fever, projectile vomiting, or an insane propensity to watch ESPN during hurricanes or terrorist attacks. 

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