LA TIMES) Ordering federal prosecutors on Friday to crack down on drug offenders, Atty. Gen. Jeff Sessions made clear he wants the Justice Department to turn the clock back to an earlier, tougher era in the four-decades-long war on drugs. In a memo, Sessions said federal prosecutors should “charge and pursue the most serious, readily provable offense” in drug cases, even when that would trigger mandatory minimum sentencing. Mandatory sentencing laws for drug users have been controversial for years, and many Republicans as well as Democrats now oppose them as unfair, ineffective and too costly. . Leaked by InfoWars Prison Planet: 1) Having rejected science in favor of pseudo-sanity, planet Earth will be turned into a giant Elysium set (ie. prison.) The poor (formerly middle class) will live in squalor, smoking weed saved from the robotic Agent Orange sprayers that criss-cross the fields, making sure all crops are imbued with the “essence of Aquarius” (ie. cancer.) 2) Flogging robots will make the rounds to villages (cells), supplying punishment in the form of “cats of nine tales” (whips, chains, and speakers broadcasting updates on how work on luxury bunkers and the National Space Station for the Uber Rich is progressing.) 3) Pot smokers will be provided with an avenue to freedom in the form of a Hunger Game duel to the death. One lucky survivor will be allowed a tour of the White House and West Wing luncheon…while in shackles. In other McNews: NEN has learned that trucks reportedly carrying bombs actually contain props for a new game show to be unleashed on unsuspecting Americans called WANNABE ZOMBIES. “These are crazed contestants who believe in the radical religion of celebrity so much that they are willing to do anything,” claims producer Mark Burnette, “including being injected with virus memes and becoming vampires and zombies.” We were unable to obtain the details about how this was accomplished, except that the contestants are all out-of-work TV addicts being cut from unemployment benefit roles (to build more bombs.) In the meantime, huckster game show hosts continue their unrelenting assault on sanity, claiming God or the Almighty Dollar (et. al.) are the best blinders to wear while singing, “if that’s all there is, my friend, then let’s keep dancing. . .”
#ThisNotIn: Infrastructure has taken a hard right turn toward building bigger stadiums. Here’s our own reporter, Ryback Solomon: “I’m here on the Jersey Turnpike, scene of a horrific accident involving a Postal vehicle, an NBC weather van carrying Miguel Almaguer, and a storm chaser crew carrying a thousand sensors to release into tornadoes in order to determine whether climate change is really happening. What I can tell you is that nothing has changed. There are still potholes and collapsing bridges, along with cars being swept away into churning, raging waters. No new construction is evident, although I overheard Miguel shouting over the storm that he was forbidden to report another story involving stadiums being built by the Army Corp of Engineers at taxpayer expense. Apparently billions are being diverted from infrastructure to build a Monster Truck museum, although Pentagon brass wanted that money to pay for cost overruns on a trillion dollar warplane to fight lone wolf terrorists. Back to you, dude.”
In other McNews, sales figures for the first-ever true satire on sports addictions? Beaten by over 8000 books just on table tennis. Sports is our national religion, and to say anything negative, even about NASCAR, is tantamount to blasphemy. Now, you may ask, is there anything left to say about sports other than “Wow, he gave 110% on that play!” Oh yes, my friend. There is an entire book worth of funny things to say. Granted, the author, whoever he is, is putting his life on the line to say these things. But the truth will out, as Snowden says. And that includes the hidden secrets of all radical religions, including the secrets locked behind the massive teak doors of the NFL and NBA Dioceses. Here, for the first time, stabbing rays of truth illuminate the dark, steamy corners of sweaty locker room showers, and the musky closets of billionaire ball club owners. Here at last are deciphered and decoded the clues and signs of past atrocities which point to present rituals performed by the glassy-eyed high priests of sport on their lemming-like acolytes. Here, if you dare, you will learn: . * Why no TV or radio station has EVER suggested that watching sports might be a unhealthy use of your time (and this includes Charlie Rose on PBS, now sponsored by Coke.) * Why junk food advertisers are moral criminals who deserve to be force fed week-old french fry lard and high fructose corn syrup until they need gastric bypasses, stomach staples, and foot amputation. (Indeed, they are the sucker fish on the dark underbellies of whale sharks deemed “too fat to harpoon.”) * That while you have given your loyalty to your city’s team or to certain players, the players themselves come from different cities and would trade teams in a heartbeat for better parking elsewhere. * That Saddam was a bowling nut. That Stalin was into hockey and lawn darts. That Hitler loved relay races featuring blond boys and girls running in tight shorts. (He also loved giving speeches in Olympic stadiums, and if he were alive today he’d be exploiting his Twitter and Play Station accounts while following ESPN scores on a “smart” phone.) * Why the Flat Earth tweets of NBA stars have the same relative importance as the ability of leprechauns to locate gold. * Why the Chinese actually don’t care if America is ranked 1st in sports, because they can be #2 behind Russia in cyber crime (#3 being Nigeria) and afford to buy Napa Valley wineries with petty cash. * Finally, what YOU can do to escape triple bypass surgery, or at least your crumb-strewn couch. . Endorsements: This book was banned in 28 states and the District of Columbia. Walter is still at Gitmo, where he is being waterboarded with high fructose corn syrup. A full ban is pending upon a return to Washington of Senators currently playing golf with Putin. Here is a partial transcript released by Wookileaks: . INTERVIEWER: You claim that the only way to get to certain games will soon be via Hummer or helicopter. Correct? WALTER WITTY, (Darerist:) Because of potholes! Instead of fixing roads and bridges, they’re building new stadiums everywhere! INTERVIEWER: You talk about scandalous clergy sitting in ‘Corinthian leather seats’ being served Cristal champagne by hookers ‘in skyboxes worthy of the Jetsons.’ You hate rich people, don’t ya? You hate Americans??? WALTER: No, no, no! I hate sociopaths who rob Girl Scouts and abuse the system to get rich at our expense! INTERVIEWER: Who are you, really? (Seat is tilted back, soda from a 2 liter Pepsi bottle applied.) WALTER: Ahhggghhhaaaa. I–I’m Amer–i–can. INTERVIEWER: You can what? WALTER: Agggghhhaaauuullll. I was born in Detroit! INTERVIEWER: Yeah? Passports can be faked. Identities can be stolen. And what’s this you said about World War III breaking out, eh? A nuclear strike during a playoff game, and ‘no one would notice’ until the shock wave hits??! WALTER: Ggggguuuuullllllgggggahhh. D—D—Don’t you read anything except “OUT OF CONTEXT?” INTERVIEWER: You said those in the stands would ‘keep trying to do their human wave until their blue skin turned red.’ What’s to understand, creep! WALTER: Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Wh—What was THAT? INTERVIEWER: There’s a car battery connected to your chair, jerk. Are you a communist? You love the Chinese too, do ya? WALTER: No, I— …I mean, I was just saying they’re winning where it counts…in the classroom. They don’t waste billions playing fantasy football on company time…they— (Zzzzt!) INTERVIEWER: Shut up! …Hey Carl! Bring in Spike, will ya? WALTER: Wait. Wait! W–W–Who’s Spike? INTERVIEWER: G—G—G–German Shepherd.