In other McNews, A LONG TIME AGO, IN A FALLACY FAR, FAR AWAY…THIS DAY IN HISTORY WILL LIVE IN INFAMY: A taxi cab was once intercepted on its ride from Cuba to Florida. This cab had been refurbished into a boat. Our questions remain these:
1) What was the fare for the passengers, and did they keep the meter running while being questioned by the Coast Guard?
2) Was the driver actually from India, and if so, was his turban checked for weapons?
3) If they simply ran out of spare parts for the cab in Cuba, and hoped to continue their family business in Miami, why not hire a publicity agent to work on a percentage and get themselves a blue mansion to park the blue cab? And will Puddles the Clown move in with IT? (Simon Cowell.)
IMAGiNE for a moment, if you will, the potential here. Imagine Ron Howard optioning a Hollywood version of the story for his production company, Imagine Entertainment. Now imagine Russell Crowe playing the father of a proud yet struggling clan living in a crowded hovel on the outskirts of Havana. Unable to repair his cab when it throws a piston rod at 220,000 miles, Russell looks to his wife, to help support their three urchins by getting a job at a cigar factory. But there are no openings, and so with a real estate market that hasn’t seen a bubble since the 50s, they are soon forced to live in the parked cab. Next, imagine that inside the taxi, late at night, Russell regales his wide-eyed kids with stories about all the Canadian tourists he once shuttled around to the casinos, and how they talked about America—that magical land of opportunity—where folks ate so much food they all got fat, with giant supermarkets the size of football fields everywhere, and high school football stadiums costing as much as Beyonce’s new digs. Indeed, every night for months, while working days as a street fighter, Russell spins tale after tale about Americans buying Hummers with their estate profits just so they can to go to the Quickie Mart for cheese doodles. Tales which become ever taller yet more poignant, as Rene writes them all down in a journal. Then a fateful turning point arrives. One of their kids suddenly asks, “Can we win the Powerball and buy a home in America too, daddy?” And there you have it. They turn the cab into an Ark, bravely steer it to American waters, and get picked up by the Coast Guard. Russell, cute kids in tow, appears on Good Mourning America and The Chew, taking turns reading from their journal, which is also purchased by Flopsweat Press for $1.2 million just before Brian Graser reads it to Ron Howard, who immediately dials Toys R Us and the Home Shopping Network for their take on blue cab toy possibilities. If only Russell hadn’t taken that telephone away from Opie and thrown it against the wall.