Happy! to Run for President in 2020


Vietnam Documentary
Vietnam Documentary by Ken Burns
The Bachelorette
Her Big Brother is watching. And trembling.

In other McNews, A LONG TIME AGO, IN A FALLACY FAR, FAR AWAY…THIS DAY IN HISTORY WILL LIVE IN INFAMY:  A taxi cab was once intercepted on its ride from Cuba to Florida. This cab had been refurbished into a boat. Our questions remain these:
1) What was the fare for the passengers, and did they keep the meter running while being questioned by the Coast Guard?
2) Was the driver actually from India, and if so, was his turban checked for weapons?
3) If they simply ran out of spare parts for the cab in Cuba, and hoped to continue their family business in Miami, why not hire a publicity agent to work on a percentage and get themselves a blue mansion to park the blue cab? And will Puddles the Clown move in with IT? (Simon Cowell.)
IMAGiNE for a moment, if you will, the potential here. Imagine Ron Howard optioning a Hollywood version of the story for his production company, Imagine Entertainment. Now imagine Russell Crowe playing the father of a proud yet struggling clan living in a crowded hovel on the outskirts of Havana. Unable to repair his cab when it throws a piston rod at 220,000 miles, Russell looks to his wife, to help support their three urchins by getting a job at a cigar factory. But there are no openings, and so with a real estate market that hasn’t seen a bubble since the 50s, they are soon forced to live in the parked cab. Next, imagine that inside the taxi, late at night, Russell regales his wide-eyed kids with stories about all the Canadian tourists he once shuttled around to the casinos, and how they talked about America—that magical land of opportunity—where folks ate so much food they all got fat, with giant supermarkets the size of football fields everywhere, and high school football stadiums costing as much as Beyonce’s new digs. Indeed, every night for months, while working days as a street fighter, Russell spins tale after tale about Americans buying Hummers with their estate profits just so they can to go to the Quickie Mart for cheese doodles. Tales which become ever taller yet more poignant, as Rene writes them all down in a journal. Then a fateful turning point arrives. One of their kids suddenly asks, “Can we win the Powerball and buy a home in America too, daddy?” And there you have it. They turn the cab into an Ark, bravely steer it to American waters, and get picked up by the Coast Guard. Russell, cute kids in tow, appears on Good Mourning America and The Chew, taking turns reading from their journal, which is also purchased by Flopsweat Press for $1.2 million just before Brian Graser reads it to Ron Howard, who immediately dials Toys R Us and the Home Shopping Network for their take on blue cab toy possibilities. If only Russell hadn’t taken that telephone away from Opie and thrown it against the wall.

Barron Bieber


Facts about Barron: He is well groomed, and uses caviar moisturizer. He likes things, quote, “clean and white.” He speaks Slovene. His mother is not named Rosemary. His nickname is “Mini-Meme.” 

SatanMeanwhile, Justin Bieber (aka “the New Fonz”) is helping to launch a “bold new fashion line” of…white tee shirts. Says the designer, “It’s a democratic shirt.” She didn’t mean the Democratic Party. She meant, “democracy,” as in “the people have spoken.” Well, not most people, but the Electoral College vote. Like the private school that Barron attends. …Now what we need is a white shirt with coffee stains in support of The Coffee Party

Are you a Belieber?

Does Taylor Swift Deserve an Oscar?



North Korea

In other McNews, Trump, according to the NY Times, is playing into the hands Kim Jong-un (by the way, congrats to Jong boy, he just surpassed Kim Kardashian in number of searches.) The reasoning goes that Trump is just like Kim, pandering to his audience and inciting fear of “the other side” in this Dr. Doom game. (By the way, watch “The Other Guys” movie: hilarious take on advertising and one-upsmanship.) Both can fire up their fans with ballistic rhetoric. Both are cowards, too. Hey, I’m not the one saying it. Okay, not alone. When has either of these clowns actually sacrificed anything? Kim is a grinning despot, madder than the Hatter, and Trump is a former game show host whose favorite book is “The Art of War,” along with his own books, which were “dictated” and ghost written (shades of Ghost Hunters or James Patterson, who lives near Trump in another mansion.) Both surround themselves with loyal minions and relatives and military generals. Disagree with Trump and “you’re fired.” Disagree with Kim and it’s the firing squad. Trump is “very, very” good at what he does. Just listen to him saying this. He plays to uneducated people as his base, and they have hunkered down inside this bunker, lobbing verbal grenades at anyone who disagrees. Tweets and Instagram posts and Youtube videos. Kaboom! Kaboom! Ka-Doom! The reason he adds “very, very” to everything is because his vocabulary is limited. Look what I found while looking up the definition of “very:” “Past participles that have become established as adjectives can, like most English adjectives, be modified by the adverb very:  a very driven person; we were very concerned for your safety.  Very does not modify past participles that are clearly verbal; for example, The lid was very sealed is not an idiomatic construction, while The lid was very tightly sealed is. Sometimes confusion arises over whether a given past participle is adjectival and thus able to be modified by very without an intervening adverb. However, there is rarely any objection to the use of this intervening adverb, no matter how the past participle is functioning. Such use often occurs in edited writing:  We were very much relieved to find the children asleep. They were very greatly excited by the news. I feel very badly cheated.”  Coffee Party? Time to wake up. What’s really wrong with the world is that here are too many “marketing geniuses” and too little quality content. We should be telling Kim that he can star in the next Hollywood blockbuster: Emoji Movie 2: Rise of the North Koreans. That would “blow up” his mind while scoring one for the Lipper.  

Very Man

VERY MAN in an alternate universe.

Dead Woman in Trailer Had $500G in CASH


A woman living in a trailer was discovered dead, sleeping on a mattress with $150G used as stuffing. $350G more was found used as insulation in her walls. Gertrude “Izzy” Rosenstein had no living relatives, and hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years. She ate Ramen noodles, and feared banks, going out, and squirrels. According to cable company records, she watched the Food Network, The Kardashians, and The Travel Channel…although the bulk of her time was spent watching game shows, televangelists, and other reality TV shows. She left a Will written on a pizza box, leaving her “estate” to Victor Cashman, a preacher now living in Dubai after being acquitted of fraud in Florida. No other details are known at this time. Except that she was once married to an executive at Goldman Sachs.


In other McNews, Dubai police are employing robots who can’t shout “Stop or I’ll shoot!” because they have no mouths. They also have no guns, so they can’t shoot. Some people are trying to use them as teller machines, but they have no money either. And the author of the scifi story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” (Harlan Ellison) is considering a lawsuit just for the fun of it. 


Finally, is Mario Batali from Italy? Not the chef, but his spaghetti. According to the author of THE MIND SPAN DIET all flour products in America have added iron, which is a suspected cause of Alzheimers and Parkinsons. In Italy they do not “enrich” with iron, and have far less cases of these diseases (also they eat less meat.) So why is there added iron to Batali’s pasta products, listed as “Product of Italy”? Note that Alma’s have zero iron, listed as 100% Italian whole wheat. Of course health is not a subject likely to be touted on cooking shows and Iron Chef competitions. All that matters is taste. Expecting them to discuss health or PETA is like asking Mr. Wonderful on Shark Tank to discuss Pope Francis. “Crawl out of here like the cockroach you are.”


POP Quiz: Only one of the above paragraphs is real. Can you guess which?