Tired of being raped and/or exploited by sports gods and social media, women in all sports (not just gymnastics) are jumping from various violent human trafficking cults like the NFL and NHL Dioceses to safer religions like chess and parcheesi. Says their atheist lawyer Ryback Solomon, “God wants them to stop playing games or appearing in reality shows as wives on their way to hell—where, incidentally, even the High Commissioner of Wiffleball is going—but until that happens I am urging them to put down their cell phones and read some books. Or at least listen to some while they apply makeup to bruises.”
In other McNews, the Russians are applying their tech-savvy hacking skills to add the email addresses of bright young students to the lists of sports e-news publications like Sports Illustrated for Kids. The reasoning is that potential talent in engineering and science can be quashed by diverting attention to non-productive pursuits. Says Dimitri Strangedove of the RIS, “The goal is world domination at any cost. This has never changed. Everyone wants to rule the world, right? Especially junk food executives on the payroll of Big Pharma. What we have in mind is nothing less than having all kids glued to various screens much of their lives, and never finding the time to study except when cramming for their GEDs.” When Dimitri was asked why he was revealing his game playbook to Ryback, the Russian Intelligence Service replied, “Because among the few who read, fewer still will actually do the math…even with illustrations and diagrams for various sudden death overtime options.”
Definitions of the Day) HATER: Anyone who doesn’t like your selfies, or who makes a comment about you wearing furs in order to look like a narcissist Kardashian by ripping the skins off multiple animals while they are still alive.
LOVER: Any Latino or wannabe with a very, very large family. Or maybe not.