News No One Will Ever Use

news

SATIRE: humor that uses exaggeration, wit, irony, and/or sarcasm to expose and discredit vice or folly. The World’s First Trillionaire: a recluse named Howard Rosen explains to the Rolling Stone how he became Super Duper Rich, with extended lifespan, a yacht that is also a sub (with nuclear torpedoes), and why his mansions and luxury cars don’t show up on Google Maps. (Also, why the NSA fears him, even when he walks or takes Cash Cab.) http://TowerReview.com/Trillionaire.html

Comey news

Neil Degrasse Tyson

Coming to a neighborhood near you.

The History Channel

ADDICTION– This is a psychological or physiological dependence on something. In the case of sports fans, the compulsion to watch men in tight shorts make repetitious and hypnotic movements with a sense of purpose that ultimately proves to be illusory.
ALPHABET– These are your basic ABCs, used not merely to describe soup, but also everything else. Think of them as tools to replace grunts and whistles and nods and (hopefully) belches or farts.
AMELIORATE– To make better or improve. Using this word may also improve your love life if you happen to be in a Bachelor Pad with coeds looking to find a man who reads something other than the sports pages. Because you will never hear a sports announcer say, “that pass return truly ameliorated his rushing record.”
AMERICAN’T– What the Chinese call America, since Americans can’t stop watching sports long enough to manufacture anything. As part of their subversive campaign, the Chinese mimic our athletes and pretend to be enthralled with American culture, even as they steal military blueprints online and share the embarrassing stuff with Russia.
ANGST– This is a feeling of trepidation or apprehension which may (or may not) be associated with witnessing your gray hair falling out in clumps after youʼve just arranged your trading card collection for the 8000th time.
CRAZY BOY– A special deluxe Lazy Boy model featuring heated and refrigerated coasters, a voice activated mini bar, a retractable cheese fountain, and a defibrillator.
INCREDIBULL— Something so outrageous and wrong that everyone hypnotically buys into it.
JUST DO IT– A slogan once popular at Penn State, and now at the State Pen.
SPORTS BAR– A place of worship equipped with multiple wide-screen HDTVs, open on Sunday. Worshipers may maintain altars at home, too, for ritual sacrifices of lamb, steer, and chicken. But they may not dress in holy garments fanatically displaying the proper colors for ceremonial penitence unless their high priests aren’t “cooking” on the “gridiron.”
STUPORBOWL– A drinking contest held after the Super Bowl, usually by the losing team.
SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME– What happens to an obese fan whose cholesterol clotted heart has been living on borrowed time up until the moment he realizes that his lost wager may result in getting his kneecaps shattered by a guy named Vinny.
WAR– A game no one can win, although referees whose favorite song is “I think I can, I think I can” (ie. national anthems) pass out medals for individual skirmishes (battles) nonetheless. These medals are often made of the metal Unobtainium. –From THE UMPIRE HAS NO CLOTHES

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