MODESTY: An out of date modality, replaced by the Selfie, the viral Sex Tape, the Nip Slip, and the rise of reality TV, the NFL front office, Fox News, Goldman Sachs and other poster boys for AMERICAN GREED. Thanks to the new narcissism, the “modest” person is now considered a “loser” in need of coaching by “successful” sociopaths on how to fake emotions for pleasure and profit. The goal of perpetual adoration by worshipful masses is, in the end, usually thwarted, however, by 60 Minutes or Frontline reporters showing up with a list of questions for which they already know the answers.
Ryn Jacobs played short stop for the Yankees in 1948. He was a one season player who once hit a ball so hard it disintegrated in flight. . . not just ripping the cover off, but turning it to dust. (Every other time Ryn hit the ball he never made it to first base.) THE LEGEND OF RYN had been optioned by Fox for a feature film, centering on the controversy that day about whether a flake of dust on the glove of the pitcher constituted an Out or not. The History Channel also planned a special science docudrama on the event to replace a rerun about a swamp monster inhabiting Duck Dynasty’s man-made mud hole. And it all started when a screenwriter named R. Solomon fabricated a fake baseball card, using old stock and vintage ink sufficient to fool The History Detectives. He then pitched the film to studio executives, giving them the card, which was in a display album next to an authentic Mickey Mantle card. The ruse fell apart when a Yankees fan named Howard Ziffle, working at the Fox mailroom during casting for the movie, declared that no one named Ryn Jacobs ever played for the Yankees. Studio heads had R. Solomon arrested on the spot. When asked why they believed a mailroom clerk, even though Solomon had a flawlessly forged baseball card authenticated by Antiques Road Show to boot, (not to mention a History Channel film already in progress featuring J.J. Abrams as director), studio chief Bernie Wolfe replied, “You don’t know Ziffle.” Apparently, although Howard Ziffle can’t get out of the mailroom because he has no marketable skills, no one disputes his baseball expertise. “He can tell you who was traded for who, and for how much, going back to Prohibition. Not only does he know the shoe size of every player in Yankee history, but he can tell you what their lockers contained during any given season. I’m talking about a fan so obsessed that his incense candles are shaped like bats, which he dipped and shaped himself, adding the scent of catcher glove leather. Too bad he’ll be working at McDonalds next week. We’re automating our mail room, and I hear his expertise doesn’t translate into anything but flipping burgers, being nothing unusual among rabid fans.” Fox is going ahead with the movie, as is The History Detectives. As for R. Solomon, he will be replaced by in-house screenwriters related to the studio heads, even as he spins tales in the Big House and (no doubt) tries to craft a gun out of soap.
IN OTHER McNEWS: We interrupt this nonsense with even more important news about sports. Neanderthals Still Alive! Human species thought to have gone extinct are actually still alive and kicking. . . footballs. That’s right: NFL teams are comprised of the descendants of Neanderthals, who possess the Eat or Be Eaten “sporting” gene. (Note: originally, being a “good sport” meant “tastes good.”) According to Dr. Neils Zahorsky of Cal Tech, only those schools without winning sports teams have homo sapien ancestors. (Cal Tech basketball lost 310 games in a row, and so was penalized by the NCAA for “academic infractions,” including 32 Nobel Prizes.) Everyone else descends from the newly discovered Nikeinus, who made up the Neanderthal fan base for various knuckle-dragging skull bowling competitions, using the heads of homo sapiens. . . whose bodies were roasted in prehistoric tailgate parties (thrown in the trunks of open flying saucers, silverware provided by Ancient Astronuts.) “The DNA and NCAA evidence doesn’t lie, although your biology textbooks do,” says Dr. Zahorsky, adding, “It is vitally important that these new findings be updated so that students will be unable to sell their old textbooks next year. In business parlance, as in other Neanderthal-dominated blood sports, such as war, it is necessary to crush the competition in a balls-to-the-wall display of egoic delusion so crippling and overwhelming in terms of “shock and awe” that it never reaches a nuking sudden death overtime. Thals did this by following their playbook, written in stone, as Nikeinus watched and munched on the junk DNA of those pacifist, vegetarian ‘win-win’ nerds who deserved to be eaten alive anyway.”