The stunning McNews was revealed today to NEN, and so you are hearing it first here. Dr. Stephen Hawking, the physicist known for developing black hole theory, and considered to be one of the greatest minds of our time, has issued the following statement which we now reveal in its entirety: “I, Stephen Hawking, being of sound mind but not body, do hereby state that Scientology does indeed exist, as do UFOs. Unfortunately, people can believe just about anything. Just turn on your TV. In the case of L. Ron Hubbard, he once wrote science fiction, and said that the best way to make money was to start a religion. In the case of UFOs being from other planets, if someone will bring me the piece of an alien spacecraft, I will change my opinion and go to Benny Hinn for healing. Until then, could you all, maybe, just please cut me some f#$% slack??” Hawking’s latest statement regards women: “They are the greatest mystery of all.” He is working on a formula to understand them, beyond the usual roses, chocolates, and new Lexus. It is expected that the answer will come soon after a quantum theory of gravity is established to explain both the attractive and repulsive forces at work in the statement, “You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.”
Nascar driver Jeff Gordon today announced both his retirement and the publication of a book he has co-written with Deepak Choprah titled LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND THE CHECKERED FLAG. Speaking to a group of Hollywood traffic school attendees required by law to buy his book, Gordon told Halle Berry, Jack Nicholson, Snoop Dogg and others that they should slow down and enjoy life instead of being obsessed with the future. “What is life anyway?” Gordon asked, metaphorically. “Is it a race? If so, is death the finish line?” Gordon then proceeded to outline the meaning of life, and the mysteries of the universe, using the blackboard and various charts and graphs. When done, he wiped the chalk from his hands, turned to the audience, and asked, “Now, does anybody know where I can buy a good used Toyota Camry?”
COMMENT: iWonder if all of us have now evolved into some new species of homo erectus: One with no time to smell the rose-scented Glade plugins. Because we still don’t even know what human consciousness is. Do our brains equal “us,” for instance? Because if your brain controls everything, this obviously means your body is only a shell, and you’re a ghost trapped inside a small space at the top. Consider that you could lose your arms and legs and still be 100% “you.” Liposuction has no effect on you, either, except to make your shell more attractive to other hormonally-driven brains. But if you cut out your brain. . . well, that’s it. You’re cooked. So the lesson here may be that people are really only three pound clumps of jelly, which you could probably hold in your hand for at least a few seconds before freaking out. How “cool” is that? And all this time you’ve been worried, too, about what some other clump of jelly thinks about your own clump of jelly. All over the country these three pound “jellies” recognize the shell holding your clump, and your clump wonders how these jellies are “doing” or “feeling,” and if they’re coming to visit you for what is termed a “holiday,” and if the alignment of electrical impulses inside your jelly mold can ever “forgive” or “love” or “whatever” them again. Or even if you should. Meanwhile there might just be huge 600 lb. jellies moving this direction at near light speed to make slaves of all the smaller jellies on this tiny world we’ve dubbed “Earth.” Am iRight?
Such thoughts plague my jelly mold whenever it can’t get into REM sleep due to repeated visits to Starbucks. One day I too may find peace at last from these troublesome ruminations, I’m sure. Until then, unless some alien takes me, I fear I’ll end up wearing a tee-shirt reading iTHOUGHT, THEREFORE iWAS as I wander around Wal Mart parking lots, complaining that the 25 cent diet sodas now cost six bucks. And no doubt no one will listen to me then, either.