Stephen Hawking Believes in Scientology

Flandrau Science Center

The stunning McNews was revealed today to NEN reporter Ryback Solomon, and so you are hearing it first here. Dr. Stephen Hawking, the physicist known for developing black hole theory, and considered to be one of the greatest minds of our time, has issued the following statement which we now reveal in its entirety:  “I, Stephen Hawking, being of sound mind but not body, do hereby state that Scientology does indeed exist, as do UFOs.  Unfortunately, people can believe just about anything.  Just turn on your TV.  In the case of L. Ron Hubbard, he once wrote science fiction, and said that the best way to make money was to start a religion.  In the case of UFOs being from other planets, if someone will bring me the piece of an alien spacecraft, I will change my opinion and go to Benny Hinn for healing.  Until then, could you all, maybe, just please cut me some f#$% slack??”  Hawking’s latest statement regards women:  “They are the greatest mystery of all.”  He is working on a formula to understand them, beyond the usual roses, chocolates, and new Lexus.  It is expected that the answer will come soon after a quantum theory of gravity is established to explain both the attractive and repulsive forces at work in the statement, “You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them.”


Nascar driver Jeff Gordon today announced both his retirement and the publication of a book he has co-written with Deepak Choprah titled LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND THE CHECKERED FLAG.  Speaking to a group of Hollywood traffic school attendees required by law to buy his book, Gordon told Halle Berry, Jack Nicholson, Snoop Dogg and others that they should slow down and enjoy life instead of being obsessed with the future.  “What is life anyway?” Gordon asked, metaphorically.  “Is it a race?  If so, is death the finish line?”  Gordon then proceeded to outline the meaning of life, and the mysteries of the universe, using the blackboard and various charts and graphs.  When done, he wiped the chalk from his hands, turned to the audience, and asked, “Now, does anybody know where I can buy a good used Toyota Camry?”


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