Star Trek Into Darkness Attacked

J.J. is at it again. His Mission Impossible 3 was a good film (and his big screen career took fire when Tom Cruise picked him for that), but Super 8 was a flashy, ridiculous waste of good sets, on par with the great SET WASTE that is the second half of the movie Resident Evil. When was it that Abrams got lost? Maybe it was writing LOST TV scripts. (Explain the polar bears again? Left over from a Coke commercial?) Abrams’ series Alias was addictive, until they brought in vampires. Yes, vampires…in a spy drama. His co-writer Roberto Orci did the nutty Cowboys & Aliens, and is doing The Amazing Spider Man 2, while Abrams is slated to direct the next (and last) Star Wars movie. (God help us all.) This is the same guy who brings you Revolution, that dystopian epic which Newsday describes as having “an overwhelming been-there-seen-that feel,” and the Miami Herald describes as “a cowboys and Indians story for the end times.” No imagination, that’s J.J.’s problem. And Hollywood’s. Eat, fart, sleep, repeat. This is why we have sixty crime dramas on TV, all with the same plots and dopey cliché characters. Wrap all of them up together and they don’t equal a single really good film, like No Country for Old Men. On Star Trek Into Darkness, Slashfilm’s Germain Lussier says “it’s a fun but frivolous sequel.” And he likes the film. Other critics are considerably more dystopian. Silas Lesnick of ComingSoon says it’s a “nonsensical mess” and a “beat for beat remake of Star Trek Nemesis.” Ain’t It Cool calls it “misguided” and full of “shameless pilfering.” But enough about having no original story, what about those special effects? The Hollywood Reporter calls them “pale, thin, bleached out” and that it “takes a few steps back.” Sounds like solid advice: to take a few steps back. Maybe to Read a book. Otherwise we might be blown away at the box office like this…

Test: Are You a Lemming?

What’s a lemming? It’s a rodent that jumps off a cliff just because everyone else is doing it. But a human lemming is someone who’s a victim of their own ignorance and/or habits. Someone who never thinks for themselves. Who are the victimizers? The advertisers who use the allure of taste, status, and pop psychology against you (for profit.) What’s the result? Shorter, sicker lifespans. Loss of sensitivity. The victim becomes brutish, jaded, vain, sick, and more ignorant. Face it. We are being lied to on an hourly basis. We have been lied to so long and so often that many don’t even recognize the truth when they hear it. Worse yet, many lemmings recognize the truth but don’t care anymore. They have become desensitized to it. Told about the approaching cliff, they steer toward it, not away. That’s what a lemming does. Are you a lemming?
Q) Do you smoke?
Q) Do you eat processed foods, chips, and/or french fries on a regular basis?
Q) Do you drink soda?
Q) Are you obsessed with sports?
Q) Do you love violence (cage fighting) or violent music (gangster rap)?
Q) Do you watch a lot of TV?
ANSWER: If you answered no to all of these questions, you are a rare, calm, intelligent person, and not a lemming. Because these are industries that have targeted you to BE a lemming. They want you obsessed, and ignorant. They want you to buy more of their junk. And they are using every means possible to saturate you with ignorance, to make you wallow in it, to pour it down your throat over any objections to their strategies. For example, listen to SALT SUGAR FAT, a new book by Pulitzer prize winning author Michael Moss. Lots of footnotes here about Kraft, Coca-Cola, Kellogg, Frito-Lay, PepsiCo. Would it surprise you to learn that Philip Morris, the tobacco industry giant, COACHED these people on how to fight objections related to health concerns? They were given the grim stats on childhood obesity and diabetes, and what did they do? “They doubled down on pushing their worst products,” Moss said. “It’s all about profit, that’s the only criterion.” They engineer their products to be bad. They go out of their way to make them bad. By “bad” I mean “bad for you.” Of course they taste good. That’s all that matters. Long shelf life, bursts of flavors, mouth feel, “bliss” factor. That’s what counts. Meanwhile, America spends more on catastrophic surgeries and intervention and prescription drugs than any country in the world. Who cares? Not Nabisco. Not McDonalds. Open wide, and shovel it in, lemmings. You junkies, you. You morons. Turn on your ball game, shove in that 50 Cent album, loser. Pay up, then die. Who’s saying this? Not me. I’m saying to stop. It’s them who are thinking this. I’m just pointing it out. Because you certainly aren’t getting the message on the evening news! No, those newsies are in the pockets of the manufacturers who advertise on their networks, endlessly, ceaselessly, steering you toward the cliff they have constructed for you. Do you doubt this? Would you like to argue the point? The stats are here. The smoking guns are still smoking. Or as they say, the truth will out. They haven’t a prayer of winning this argument, and so what do they do? They double down on the bliss of ignorance, turning Americans into drug addicts. Pushers—that’s what they are, wrapping themselves in American flags like Pentagon Generals who send your kids off to more visible (and likewise meaningless) deaths as they munch on corn chips. The sad thing is, the 26,000,000 people in the U.S. with diabetes don’t even think of Frito-Lay as being partly to blame. They blame themselves, or fate. The fat guy on the operating table doesn’t blame all the commercials he’s seen for mouth-watering french fries, cooking in hydrogenated oils his body can’t process. Those cookies and crackers can last ten years on the shelf, unlike those mom makes. Why? BECAUSE OF TRANS-FATS YOU SHOULDN’T EAT. Did you know they can say “Zero trans fat” when, in fact, there is trans fat present? Oh yes. Does it say “hydrogenated?” Bingo: Trans fats. THEY LIE. THEY HAVE LOBBYISTS IN WASHINGTON TO FIX IT FOR THEM. When she bakes cookies, Mom cares. Nestle doesn’t. Now, why say anything about this? Why bother? People are going to do what they want to do. Is that your argument? Well, it’s the argument of a lemming. Because only a lemming would dismiss logic and join in lock step toward the cliff. It’s like saying black kids can only shoot hoops, they can’t be doctors. It’s like saying Hitler should have won because he was so successful. (Just look at what he took on: the whole freaking world! And he almost got the A Bomb before we did! What Success!!!) To sum up, they are inundating you with ads for junk, but you don’t have to drink the KoolAid. (Actually, if you drank the KoolAid instead of the diet soda you’d be better off.) Maybe you didn’t know this. Now you do. The amazing thing about marketing research is that people say they do one thing, but in actuality they do another. They are influenced against their will. Just so you know…they are watching you, and your friends. They are tricking you. They are lying to you. Don’t fall for it…and off the cliff…

Shocking News Flash: Coke Formula Exposed!

The formula for Coke has been hacked by the Chinese, and they have sent the ingredients to WikiLeaks. Appears that there is no trace of cocaine in the formula anymore, presumably because cocaine is so expensive. The most astonishing fact about the formula is what it DOESN’T contain. Not only is there no sugar, (since that’s too expensive, and has been replaced by the addictive high fructose corn syrup, a cheaper manmade product that can lead to diabetes,) but there is no happiness either! That’s right: happiness is not part of this product, although it’s advertised as being the main product, with slogans like “Open Happiness.” For the full formula, go here.

“Way to go, Bob!”

Big Bang Theory’s Leonard Interviewed

Ryback: Why don’t you ever talk about sports or politics?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Ryback: You guys aren’t interested in sports or politics, so you talk about Star Trek, dating, sex, Battlestar Galactica, sex, dating, quantum physics, girls, science projects, video games, movies, and your own eccentricities and lack of street savvy. The purpose of the show is to laugh at how “weird” and “different” geeks are, and how they perceive a world of electronic marvels that they, in fact, made possible. You never turn your ironic observations to those non-geeks who don’t read or know much of anything, and instead watch ball games at a hundred decibels on HDTVs while waiting for pizza to arrive and their one-night-stands to leave.
Leonard:  We have Penny.
Ryback: She’s. . .
Leonard: Right. She’s our token non-nerd.
Ryback: What about your writers and producers?
Leonard: They’re usually watching ball games while waiting for pizza to arrive.
Ryback: And their one-night-stands?
Leonard:  That would be us.
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Shocking Seth MacFarlane Interview

Interviews from a Parallel Universe
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NEN: “Hi, Seth. Congrats on being chosen to host the Oscars. Can you tell us, what kind of cars are os cars, anyway?”
SETH: “Obviously superior to those driven by losers.”
NEN: “What kind of car do you drive?”
SETH: “I don’t drive.”
NEN: “Do you…dress yourself?”
SETH: “Nope. Someone feeds me too, and not just grapes.”
NEN: “You’re the most successful comedy writer of all time. How does that feel?”
SETH: “Like that antelope in the commercial with the night vision goggles. The press can’t bring me down and feast on my carcass anymore.”
NEN: “Wow. That must be a great feeling.”
SETH: “It is, but not as good as being fed filet mignon by supermodels in the jacuzzi behind my sixty million dollar beach house.”
NEN: “To what do you attribute your success?”
SETH: “Making Stewie’s head the shape of a football, and imbuing Peter with the mentality of your typical NASCAR fan.”
NEN: “That’s a big audience you’re pandering to.”
SETH: “You should try it, you might not be eating Beenie-Wienies with a plastic fork, alone, by candlelight.”
NEN: “I guess I do favor Brian’s perspective too much.”
SETH: “Brian’s a good egg, but he gets broken a lot. Our society favors those who break things, including laws, motel rooms, marriages, and necks. It’s always fun to blow things up, not so much fun to watch things being built. The trick is to take any idea or philosophy and run with it head on, full speed, until you hit a brick wall. Then you take a two ton drill to the wall and see if you can punch through.”
NEN: “To point out the flaws in the philosophy?”
SETH: “No, just to see what’s on the other side.”
NEN: “Humm. And what is that, usually?”
SETH: “Another wall.”
NEN: “Where are you going with this?”
SETH: “Nowhere. The goal is to just entertain people so they’ll sit through the commercials for more, and also to express my contempt for certain actors and cultural rituals and political stances.”
NEN: “Kinda like what we’re doing? So we’re not on your hit list?”
SETH: (after a pause) “My bodyguard just asked me, before I answer, to allow him to hit you a few times, just for practice. Would you mind?”
NEN: “May I have your autograph?”
SETH: “That’s better. You’re learning!”
NEN: “One final question. Do you believe in extraterrestrial UFOs or Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster?”
SETH: “Doesn’t matter what I believe, it doesn’t affect the truth one way or the other.”
NEN: “Good answer!”
SETH: “Besides, I lose answering a question like that, either way. Ratings. Now, if you ask Peter, he’s personally met Bigfoot and Nessie at Area 51, and shared a jacuzzi on a UFO with several Entertainment Tonight babes.”
NEN: “Which ones?”
SETH: “Sorry, that’s classified.”

Tide Detergent Needed in Washington

Take it out to the ball game.

TIDE is being stolen everywhere by thieves, including Washington DC. This is because 1) It has a convenient handle, and is often near exits. 2) There are no serial numbers to trace, and thieves are not expected to steal soap and lie about it, (especially since, if caught, there is no law saying Tide can be added to their Diet.) Finally, 3) Opposites attract. In related news, Sen. Mitch McConnell today compared what they do in Washington to a football game. He said he’s the Republican quarterback and Sen. Harry Reid the Democratic quarterback. Now, since New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees is on the new bottle of Tide Plus Febreze Sport “with victory fresh scent,” my suggestion is that they should put McConnell and Reid on Tide boxes. Why? 1) If we can’t get them to crawl out of stinking inside-the-box thinking they’re in, and into a box of Tide for the Mind, maybe they’ll start using the product so some of that “victory fresh scent” will rub off. 2) Their photos on boxes, in football uniforms, will alert K-Mart and Wal Mart shoppers to the fact that politics is, indeed, a game. Finally, 3) Such a flash of insight may lead to the conclusion that only sudden death term limits on Senators and Congressmen can clean up the dirt in Washington, and that this will only happen once a “Crimson Tide” of voters rush the polls like linebackers toward the goal of cleaner elections. Hut, Hut!  (Disclaimer: Results may vary, not responsible for textile blood stains, Nike logo fading, or other trauma caused by rips, tears in the fabric of reality, or THE 300–thread memory loss via concussion or javelin jab.)

In other news today, Verizon has patented a technology for television in which YOUR TV SET CAN WATCH YOU. Yes, that’s right, not only are you being fed petabytes of babble in useless anecdotal information overload (designed to disguise what is actually important, click HERE for example from the book AntiFragile), but now, just like with Facebook clicks, advertisers will actually be able to SEE what you’re doing and watching (and with whom), supposedly in order to render a giga feedback loop of advertising for your “viewing pleasure.” (And also to make sure your INNER VCR is programmed correctly to conform to groupthink, assuring votes for maintaining a two-party system owned by the plutocracy, while, meanwhile, whistleblowers, dissidents, true patriots, and anyone else not playing along in the proper uniform are either ridiculed or threatened with jail.) Happy about this? If not, drink Coke!  Then watch the movie “Fahrenheit 451″ or read a banned American history book (quickly) before they come over and burn it (along with your fingers.)