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Two Men Didn’t Watch Superbowl

singapore

Singapore International Airport

Two non-gay men in the suburbs of Boston didn’t watch the Superbowl. When reached via satellite phone by ESPN’s Rio office, Bob Stockwell said, “We went for a walk.” Authorities in America have been alerted, and the men will be rounded up for examination by psychiatrists. NEN has learned that ESPN found out about the men through its worldwide surveillance network, which monitors cable subscribers (wherever you see a little red light flicker, it has taken your x-ray.) The network has supercomputers in Rio, London, and 600 feet beneath Disneyland, funding provided by Coca-Cola and the fast food chains of PepsiCo (additional funding provided by Merck, Pfizer, and United Healthcare.) When asked if they didn’t realize that walking on deserted streets during the Superbowl was also a criminal act indicative of Anti-American sentiment, and punishable by waterboarding, Leonard Meade said, “No, are you thinking of deporting us? If so, we’ll be happy to show up at any of the top twenty airports, where we’ll sign anything you wish.” ESPN is considering asking for that, depending on what the strip-searches and other examinations turn up. Unknown to them, however, the men meant the top twenty airports in the world, not just in the U.S.. Of the World’s 20 Best Airports, not one is in the United States. Number one is South Korea, a country with a booming economy because the U.S. pays their defense bill. Number two is Shanghai, then Hong Kong, Amsterdam, and Beijing. Etc. Meanwhile, the U.S. needs to spend trillions to repair degrading infrastructure, but only seem to find money from taxpayers to build new stadiums. In related news, astronomer Frank Abagnale has released this statement, “Keep things in perspective, people. One mountain-sized rock among zillions casually straying into our path unnoticed, and it’s lights out for the human race. This puts the ‘glory’ of the greatest athlete or politician or movie star or prima donna on the same level as the lowest clerk sorting Washington’s swizzle sticks in China. And if your trust is in God, I hate to say it but He doesn’t watch Sports Central, either. You need to step back about 1500 light years to a star called Deneb, at the apex of Cygnus. Sports transmissions won’t start reaching it for another 1400 years, and yet it is within our own galaxy, which, by the way, is one of billions. Deneb doesn’t stand out too much because there are stars which look brighter only because they are closer. But the closer you got to Deneb the more impressed you would be. Come within a hundred million miles of Deneb and your spaceship would not survive, much less your ball team, even with the heaviest shielding NASA and Sports Illustrated could devise. How bright is it? Okay, sports fans. You love comparing things, and keeping scores about ‘star performers.’ Let’s give our Sun a score of 1 and Deneb a score of 200,000. That’s right. It is 200,000 times as bright as our Sun, a blue white supergiant that puts out 100,000 times the Sun’s energy. It has 20 times the mass, and 200 times the radius. And it is by no means the brightest star in the galaxy. If you want to stray to a nearby dwarf galaxy, the Large Magellanic Cloud, you would find R136a1. The score? Against our Sun’s ‘1’ R136a1 has clocked a score of…wait for it… ‘8,700,000.’ And you were worried about some comment made about Beyonce’s lip-syncing?”

stars

SPORTS SATIRE

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