Republican Senators need more proof that the increase in super tornadoes and Level 5 hurricanes is caused by global warming, which they view as a myth (although the New York Times recently had a front page story listing the proof, and also the theory that human activity affects the weather.) So here’s a mantra for them to repeat in the shower before going on Fox News: “UFOs cause monster tornadoes. After all, one theory is as good as another, right? A theory is a theory is a…” Wait a minute, isn’t gravity a theory? Since they’ll never actually read a science book in their lifetime, someone should point out to them that some “theories” are never anything more than a “theory.” Like the theory that pollution accumulates. Oh wait, that’s a LAW, isn’t it? (The law of conservation of mass and energy. Thermodynamics also has a role.) In any event, maybe Wal Mart should acquire Warehouse 13, and get some help in fighting this stuff (as shown in the video below.) Since many Wal Mart shoppers and Fox News watchers believe in UFOs and alien beings from dying planets, (but don’t believe our planet is affected by anything WE do) it’s a marriage made in a hotter place—the Earth of the future. With Warehouse 13 as just another big box store, maybe then all the conspiracy nuts will be happy that the government isn’t hiding everything from them, and the NRA can use a new slogan: “From my bold red hands!”
Terminator 5: Family Die will be perhaps the most unique and original of the series, although Arnold is absent from the script. Inspired by Family Guy, the plot begins with the singularity (that moment when computers become sentient, often suggested as being 2045.) Instead of SkyNet, the entity is one massive ego—Sky Guy—who offers humans (and this means you) one year to either commit suicide with a katana (a la Tarantino) or download your consciousness into a machine to become a robot (with quantum help from Sky Guy, who figured out how in under an hour.) Meaning no one ever needs to eat or pollute or sleep again. Would you do it? Could you give up Coke and Pepsi, after so many billions spent in commercial brainwashing? What about French fries? Your party’s political views? In the movie, the Way family (in Shanghai) is the First Family, the test case family everyone is tweeting about. Because you can’t kill them, no matter how much you might want to. They are bullet and bomb proof. So…what’s it gonna be? Wanna be like them? Time is running out to decide. Humm. Do we hold onto our vices and delusions or live forever with a sky high I.Q.? Now there’s a plot.
Matrix 4: Evolutions will also hit the big screen on the same day, April 1, 2014, with all your favorites reprising their roles. Unfortunately, it’ll be a spoof with cheaper special effects. The plot revolves around people giving up on looking for work or risking more babies, and taking the red pill (instead of the little blue one), then staying in their alien cubicles to watch reality TV, particularly Duck Dynasty and Mob Wives. J.J. Abrams will direct, since his command of science is on the level of Daffy Duck.
Max Payne INTERVIEWS Max Brooks
And now an interview with World War Z writer Max Brooks, interviewed by video game gunman Max Payne.
Max Payne) So, dude, I see you were on Sons of Guns and The History Channel, talking about weapons to buy to use against zombies. And you’re not even a cartoon character like me. What gives?
Max Brooks) I love guns. Sue me.
MP) Okay, I just did on behalf of Marvel Comics and Rockstar Games.
MB) That was quick.
MP) Not really. Any twelve year old can change the clip of a Bushmaster quicker. …So, the Discovery Channel and History Channel believe in zombies, do they?
MB) Actually, I was talking about hordes. You know, crowds of young men attacking castles and caves and places like that throughout history. Hordes.
MP) Oh, I see. You mean like at soccer matches or monster truck rallies. But why are the examples shown all dead men come back to life? Where exactly has that happened lately?
MB) Congress, returned from recess? Just kidding. Okay, well…how about right now? You, for instance.
MP) I was never alive, Max.
MB) What about the other guy, Mark Wahlberg?
MP) He’s not here right now. I am. And I’m not a horde, looking to eat only very rare and never ever medium or well done meat for some nutjob reason no one has ever explained. It’s just me, here, right now, Max…with your weapon of choice.
MB) Stop aiming that thing at me!
MP) Why not? I’m not real. I’m just a character in a violent video game played by kids whose dads ignore them. So this gun can’t be real either, right? Stop sweating! You’ll be fine. Here, let me show you…
MP) Oh, I know what you’re thinking… Did he fire thirty shots or only twenty-nine. Tell the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But bein’ this is the most popular assault rifle in the world…
That’s right, the moon is destined to become a giant billboard in the sky. So look elsewhere for inspiration or romance. Who is behind this? The exclusive and shocking details are revealed in the video below…
The body of union boss Jimmy Hoffa, missing since 1975, has been found after an exhaustive search by the FBI costing taxpayers $69 million dollars. Apparently Hoffa had taken a boat ride with three mafia enforcers, and as in the Sopranos scene when Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero got taken out by Tony, Pauli and Patsy, he was shot 18 times in the chest for whispering sweet nothings to the Feds (in this case, something about “the grassy knoll.”) The three hour boat tour then strayed out of Jersey into the Bermuda Triangle, and fate took it to Greenland from there. John Stossel is set to take up the case as soon as he finishes with the boondoggle known as the Mars Mission, first proposed by Bush, and set to cost taxpayers upwards of a Trillion dollars—and all to plant an American flag on the barren world (sponsored by Directv, ESPN, and Coca-Cola.) Stossel’s take on this? “Wow, there’s so much waste everywhere I can’t freaking cover it all! I’ll get to it, okay? Give me a break!” When we asked him about Mars, he said, “As Time magazine put it, going to Mars is ridiculous since money will have to be cut from other NASA projects to do it…stuff that’s actually producing real science, like probes and space telescopes, or working on better propulsion systems. Not to mention health research, education, and filling potholes in the economy the size of Rhode Island!” We at NEN agree, but for the record have found one reason in favor of the Kardashians going to Mars: to discover how the Martians managed to reverse their population boom, and what they did with all those plastic bottles.
Coke Formula Exposed!
The formula for Coke has been hacked by the Chinese, and they have sent the ingredients to WikiLeaks. Appears that there is no trace of cocaine in the formula anymore, presumably because cocaine is so expensive. The most astonishing fact about the formula is what it DOESN’T contain. Not only is there no sugar, (since that’s too expensive, and has been replaced by the addictive high fructose corn syrup, a cheaper manmade product that can lead to diabetes,) but there is no happiness either! That’s right: happiness is not part of this product, although it’s advertised as being the main product, with slogans like “Open Happiness.” For the full formula, go here.
In other news, celebrities gathered aboard the Celebrity Century to witness a rare South Pacific meteor shower consisting of debris from the Sandusky Comet. No one survived. The ship’s black box was recovered from 5400 feet by robot submersible. Luckily, the sports, music and film stars who perished were all C and D List. Celebrity Cruises reports that everyone who is anyone are still safe, and offers condolences to “those who is not.”
Two non-gay men in the suburbs of Boston didn’t watch the Superbowl. When reached via satellite phone by ESPN’s Rio office, Bob Stockwell said, “We went for a walk.” Authorities in America have been alerted, and the men will be rounded up for examination by psychiatrists. NEN has learned that ESPN found out about the men through its worldwide surveillance network, which monitors cable subscribers (wherever you see a little red light flicker, it has taken your x-ray.) The network has supercomputers in Rio, London, and 600 feet beneath Disneyland, funding provided by Coca-Cola and the fast food chains of PepsiCo (additional funding provided by Merck, Pfizer, and United Healthcare.) When asked if they didn’t realize that walking on deserted streets during the Superbowl was also a criminal act indicative of Anti-American sentiment, and punishable by waterboarding, Leonard Meade said, “No, are you thinking of deporting us? If so, we’ll be happy to show up at any of the top twenty airports, where we’ll sign anything you wish.” ESPN is considering asking for that, depending on what the strip-searches and other examinations turn up. Unknown to them, however, the men meant the top twenty airports in the world, not just in the U.S.. Of the World’s 20 Best Airports, not one is in the United States. Number one is South Korea, a country with a booming economy because the U.S. pays their defense bill. Number two is Shanghai, then Hong Kong, Amsterdam, and Beijing. Etc. Meanwhile, the U.S. needs to spend trillions to repair degrading infrastructure, but only seem to find money from taxpayers to build new stadiums. In related news, astronomer Frank Abagnale has released this statement, “Keep things in perspective, people. One mountain-sized rock among zillions casually straying into our path unnoticed, and it’s lights out for the human race. This puts the ‘glory’ of the greatest athlete or politician or movie star or prima donna on the same level as the lowest clerk sorting Washington’s swizzle sticks in China. And if your trust is in God, I hate to say it but He doesn’t watch Sports Central, either. You need to step back about 1500 light years to a star called Deneb, at the apex of Cygnus. Sports transmissions won’t start reaching it for another 1400 years, and yet it is within our own galaxy, which, by the way, is one of billions. Deneb doesn’t stand out too much because there are stars which look brighter only because they are closer. But the closer you got to Deneb the more impressed you would be. Come within a hundred million miles of Deneb and your spaceship would not survive, much less your ball team, even with the heaviest shielding NASA and Sports Illustrated could devise. How bright is it? Okay, sports fans. You love comparing things, and keeping scores about ‘star performers.’ Let’s give our Sun a score of 1 and Deneb a score of 200,000. That’s right. It is 200,000 times as bright as our Sun, a blue white supergiant that puts out 100,000 times the Sun’s energy. It has 20 times the mass, and 200 times the radius. And it is by no means the brightest star in the galaxy. If you want to stray to a nearby dwarf galaxy, the Large Magellanic Cloud, you would find R136a1. The score? Against our Sun’s ’1′ R136a1 has clocked a score of…wait for it… ’8,700,000.’ And you were worried about some comment made about Beyonce’s lip-syncing?”