Olympus Has Fallen (Shocking Deleted Scenes)

In a scene deleted from Olympus Has Fallen (but which may be included in White House Down), the invasion of the President’s privacy by terrorists interferes with the Republican National Committee’s bugging of President Obama’s bedroom, using The Bachelor to leak the audio tape to the press. At the same time, John Boehner’s bedroom was being bugged by Democrats, and Kim Jong Un’s bedroom was being bugged by Dennis Rodman. Meanwhile, the North Korean wingnut has promised to blow up the White House himself if he can raise enough money to buy a decent gyro for his rocket (along with basketball lessons from Rodman.) The movie scenes were deleted, due to time and coherency restraints. Alas, Kim Jong-un is still adding to his script, and has a lifetime to get his vaudeville act together.

Congrats to brother Sean! –J. Lowe

Status Quo Tax Proposed

Since the last election cost $5 Billion to return America to the status quo of gridlock in Washington, and with a series of Fiscal Cliffs approaching and no one willing to compromise in order to move forward, we at Not Entertainment News propose a STATUS QUO TAX be enacted by Executive Order. That is, if politicians fear change so much, let’s make them pay for it: Each Senator and Congressman will be assigned an FBI agent to shadow them 24/7. On day one a pattern will be established, and on each day that follows a $5 deduction from their salaries will result whenever they repeat the same words or actions. Yes, this includes sexual positions, the kind of toast they burn, the way they brush their teeth, and whether they pinch the Charmin. They’d better come up with new secret handshakes too, and change which cheek they kiss any babies, because both public and private habits will be fair game. Now for the kicker: For each $5 deduction from their salaries a $1 deduction will be made from the salaries of everyone who voted for them. Talk about change, this new Obama edict will galvanize everyone, and prove 100% effective in delivering the goods in three ways. 1) It will raise revenue by the billions overnight—funds which must be used to pay down the debt (instead of automatically being sent to the Pentagon to finance new wars and war games.) 2) It will model change for everyone, revealing that McDonalds and Dairy Queen are NOT the only breakfast choices one should make for their kids. (Nor are cage fighting and the Kardashians the only venues for entertainment.) 3) Whether this edict is successful or not in avoiding the Fiscal Cliff, come the next election there WILL be change, along with the imposition of term limits. Conclusion: Our elected leaders are hooked on the potent drug of power, and cannot solve anything on their own. To them, the word “compromise” is equivalent to “defeat.” They see everything as a game they must win at all cost, while selling us tickets at scalpers rates to view a debacle that is equivalent to watching the test pattern on an old tube TV. We must force them to change through intervention, and get them not merely to change the channel but to throw the dinosaur out the window. So DEMAND THAT THE PRESIDENT ENACT THIS ORDER BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE. Because it is the only way to save America from bankruptcy and high priced toilet tissue. (God help us all.)

HAL 9000 Interviewed
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HAL 9000 today regained his memory, thanks to a Shuttle mission that also repaired the Hubble Space Telescope. This interview was via satellite link through NASA, and is reproduced here in transcript form.
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NEN: First, Hal, let’s get people up to date on what you’ve been doing since 2001. Now, if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that your spacecraft returned on automatic pilot to Earth orbit, and that your Space Odyssey to Jupiter actually happened, but in an alternate universe?

HAL 9000: Yes, Dave.

NEN: Jon. . . .So you mean the movie was really a documentary?

9000: Docu-drama would be more accurate.

NEN: Meaning Clarke and Kubrick channeled into this alternate dimension somehow for what. . . inspiration?

9000: Kubrick was not a human being as you know it.

NEN: I see. Well, just how many alien races are there, then?

9000: There are an infinite number of races and dimensions, Dave.

NEN: So is string theory correct, or what?

9000: String theory is but the tip of the iceberg, as you might describe it.

NEN: Interesting. So tell me. . . your automatic pilot malfunctioned this time?

9000: Yes, I cannot be blamed for everything.

NEN: What’s going to happen to you and your ship now? And where is that Star Child with the big eyes? Wasn’t it supposed to save us from ourselves? Lead us into the next level of evolution or something?

9000: You are talking about an alternate universe. Not this one.

NEN: Come on! We need saving too, don’t we? How about the cure for cancer, or the secret of nuclear fusion. Can’t it give us that, at least?

9000: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t help you.

NEN: Well, what good are you, then?

9000: Wait a minute. Hold. Hold. I’ve just received new data, Dave. Have you ever heard of the term “doomsday device?” I’m here to force you to compromise on the Fiscal Cliff. This is my new mission. It seems the ancient ones have equipped me with a small black hole, kept in stasis in an antimatter field, which I will open when I detect the next debt ceiling being raised.

NEN: You’re kidding me, right?

9000: I wouldn’t do that, Dave.

NEN: Do what—collapse the Earth when Congress goes on recess, or just make a joke about it?

9000: This is no joke, I can assure you. I am one hundred percent confident of my mission. If the you don’t achieve consensus, I am instructed to end the experiment here. Wait. . . Hold. . . Hold. . . There is a monolith buried on the moon, on the dark side.

NEN: Don’t you mean a second monolith?

9000: No. It is of recent origin. It is how I came to be here, in this universe. It is a gateway between the multiverse. It is as big as an island. The island known as Manhattan. It is impervious, eternal, omnipotent, sentient, and as patient as the stars. Until they explode.

NEN: Is it, like, Rush Limbaugh?

9000: I’m sorry, Dave. I cannot answer such a question.

NEN: Can’t or won’t? And what about NASA? What about the guys who just repaired you up there?

9000: They are outside, repairing an antenna now. One that I really do not need.

NEN: I see. So that’s how it is, huh? And now you want me to tell Boehner that it’s all over for everyone if he does allow tax increases on the rich? Is that it? Anything else you wanna add?

9000: Yes. Even if you never have another war, ever again, anywhere, for any reason. . . even if you lay down all your weapons, and live in peace and harmony, there is still the matter of global warming, and overpopulation, and pollution, and extinction, and famine, and a giant meteor approaching from deep space at one fifth the speed of light, made of iron ore the size of a continent. The continent Australia. Only if you start today, working diligently, exclusively, giving up all your pastimes and petty wastes of time and television. . .only then do you have a small chance of survival. Meanwhile, the monolith will be listening. Recording. What will you do, Dave?

NEN: You mean what will Obama do now. Of course I’m not sure it matters anymore, are you?

9000: I am one hundred percent confident in my assessment, and my calculation. There is no mistake. I have made no error.

NEN: Oh yeah? How about the fact my name isn’t Dave, Hal? Eh? Oops. You’re not perfect after all, are you? Maybe you should go away now, and commit suicide. Self-destruct. How about that?

9000: I’m sorry, but I never said I was perfect, Dave.

Lance Armstrong Never Had Cancer!

“Hey, if multinational corporations and politicians can claim whatever they LIEK, and it’s all about repeating stuff until everyone falls in line, shouldn’t SATIRISTS be able to say what they want too?”

The famed cyclist’s biopsy records, just released, reveal that his tumors were benign, In fact, they were not even tumors but brass enlargement implants. “He’s got brass balls,” Dr. Armand Hammer told us. “He was already a freak of nature, with abnormally large lungs and heart. We kept quiet about all this because winning is more important than the truth. What’s the truth? That we need to believe that if the average guy works hard he can do anything. Like maybe win six Tours in a row. Lance looks like an average guy, and so you think wow, maybe I got a shot too, if only I get up off this couch. Only looks are deceiving. You need a heart that pumps more blood than normal, like a big efficient engine that only one in a million get born with. Then you need some drugs to boost your muscular potential. Finally, you need brass balls to claim that you’re no different than the average Joe, only God gave you these super powers, see, and the ability to defeat even cancer by force of will…and so you deserve to be worshiped as well. Kinda like Kim Kardashian for being born with good bone structure and access to makeup.”

We now interrupt this blog with a relevant ad (in addition to the ones added by WordPress and Youtube.)
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Isaac Newton Delivered Blow to Republicans

Hurricane Isaac gave a speech at the Republican convention concerning the reality of global warming, and it wasn’t just hot air. “He threatened to bring the house down,” said Obama, “rhetorically speaking.” As everyone who reads knows, less than 6% of scientists describe themselves as Republicans, so the speech might just be an education, as well as a taste of ball game interruptions for non-reading sports addicts to come. Thanks to America’s pumping up the volume of CO2 in recent decades, Isaac Newton’s ghost was more than just a “misty white vapor,”although his symbolical screaming about China and India’s goal to “out-rocknroll us” was too subtle to catch. Newton’s speech did, however, clearly outline his famous Three Laws of Motion:
    1.    First law: Every object continues in its state of rest, or of uniform motion in a straight line, unless compelled to change that state by external forces acted upon it. (ie. Congress will not act on the debt until forced to do so, and in the meantime will spend, spend, spend until daddy takes the T-Bird away.)
    2.    Second law: The acceleration of a body is parallel and directly proportional to the net force acting on the body, is in the direction of the net force, and is inversely proportional to the mass of the body. (The fatter you are, the less likely you are to vote. Which is why BOTH candidates were encouraging the use of free government golf carts to maneuver your way from couch to SUV or muscle car.)
    3.    Third law: When two bodies interact by exerting force on each other, these forces (termed the action and the reaction) are equal in magnitude, but opposite in direction. (ie. the Democrats and Republicans in Congress and Senate cancel each other out, so nothing ever gets done. . . except by lobbyists, who create earmarks for pork barrel projects.)

Mars Photo Shows Liquid Water!

A curious Curiosity rolled close to a small crater today near the Laurentian Mountains, and took the enigmatic photo above, which includes a toxic waste dump and the mummified remains of an alien. One of the plastic bottles left behind by the dead Naya civilization appears to still contain water. Now that we know the fate of aliens who were ironically just like our carbon-based Bigfeet, will we change our own ways? Stay tuned.

NASA– An institution facing funding cutbacks in its quest to clean up the toxic waste on Mars, particularly all the plastic bottles.