Taylor Swift’s Cat Takes on Congress

“Kneel and tremble…”

Congress is stagnant, entrenched, and blocking the path to progress. And since we listen to and believe more in talking fruit and superheroes to save us from those scientifically proven zombies coming, who better than a cat with her own fan club? Meet Meredith the Cat, if you haven’t already. Not only has she better ideas than three hundred Senators, Congressmen, and Governors put together, but she can out-pitch her ideas better than Felix “The Cat” Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners (who earns $19 million, and just signed a 7 year extension worth $175 million.) By comparison, Meredith has 9 lives, hasn’t used the first one yet, and so doesn’t need an extension. Her life companion, Taylor Swift, has proven more devoted than any man, and just bought a house for them in Rhode Island for $17 million in cash, on a salary of $57 million…more than Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, or Katy Perry. Also, Taylor’s father is a financial adviser for Merrill Lynch. So maybe her cat does deserve to be heard in Washington! (They listen to bankers more than anyone else, for those kickbacks under the table.) In short, those fat cats refuse to budge, but just maybe—this time—a full frontal assault on their insane stances will limit all terms of engagement.

Randy Jackson Disappears After Idol

Upon leaving American Idol, Randy Jackson has disappeared, and Sylvia Browne is wrong again about where…only NEN has the scoop on where Jackson and the other original cast members have gone: That’s the signpost up ahead, their next stop…the Twilight Zone. No, this doesn’t mean they’ve become vampires. (Everyone else has.) In truth, they’ve all been sent to the cornfield…(that’s where Coke gets the “sugar” for its high fructose corn syrup, so this is also very appropriate or ironic, as Rod Serling would put it.) Details in the video below. Taking Randy’s place next season will be motivational guru Anthony Robbins, who long ago made a pact with the devil (Rhonda Byrne.) Due to this, Tony will, no doubt, bring back those ratings being lost to The Voice. Tony’s barber, Carl Wishnick, succeeded in getting him the job by telling Yahoo that he believed Robbins was the AntiChrist. “Oh God, well, he’s got these numbers on his scalp, you know,” Wishnick confided. “Looks like three sixes, but they could be nines. I did an etching, using a newspaper, when Tony fell asleep once in my chair. I’m offering to sell it for, say, fifty grand, if anyone’s interested.” When asked if that was the going rate Carl placed on his own soul, Wishnick got nervous and claimed the three numbers he found were part of a series, perhaps of a numbered Swiss account related to his Coke contract. Next year American Idol is planning to have judges catapult up onto swings, propelled by light fountains (whenever they choose a singer.) “These will be called ‘chariots of fire,’” says Ryan Seacrest, “so we won’t be singing ‘swing low, sweet chariot’ next season, I can tell you that!” Robbins will also fix it so that Seacrest can win a seat in Congress, since he has big plans for Washington as well. Stay tuned.

Superbowl Halftime Change Announced

Superbowl ads: Scary but seductive

…and so, boys and girls, that’s how Al Gore’s appearance at the Superbowl was nixed by special interest lobbies currently decimating the environment in order to sell us more junk…by going on Al Jazeera with a call for carbon standards and accepting money on behalf of Earth from the Saudis, he was vilified by those companies in America who don’t care about anything except their quarterly profits…

Superbowl Sunday holds a big surprise at halftime as Al Gore steps to the stage and delivers a rap rendition of global warming science, backed up by Stephen Hawking in an solar powered wheelchair. Hawking’s digital accompaniment will be electronically enhanced with a pre-recorded musical track supplied by Lady Gaga and Beyonce (who quit over lip-syncing controversy.) Partial lyrics to the song have been obtained by Not Entertainment News, and appear below. After the song, Al will read a chapter from his new book THE FUTURE, which describes what will happen if NASCAR fans continue to get their way. The NFL, Coke and Pepsico have agreed to this unprecedented change of venue as their sole contribution to the environment for 2013…saving polar bears being disingenuous due to unprecedented ice melt. (Soon sand dunes in the Sahara will be freezing cold at midday, while in a million years Antarctica will return to Jurassic forestation long after homo sapiens are extinct. . . and New Orleans is the new Atlantis while Miami is a flooded graveyard of fading art deco.) In return for his appearance, Gore has agreed to appear in a GoDaddy ad and a fast food commercial for Chipotle Mexican Grill (grass fed beef) while driving a Hyundai Sonata Hybrid in Skechers tennis shoes.

“But we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy…”

Justin Bieber & Britney Spears Disappear

Justin Bieber? Britney Spears? No one is quite sure who they are anymore. The year is 2113, as imagined by the supercomputer Deeper Thought. (Actually, it’s our own reporter Ryback Solomon, who is in a coma and connected to a quantum mechanical EEG 2.0 machine that interprets brain patterns and dreams. Top secret stuff. Apparently, people in a coma can see the future. …Hey, if pseudo-scientists can claim quantum effects to write books like The Secret, why not me and you??) Actually, my point here is that pop music gets millions of hits that serious musicians do not. Justin and Britney’s music is now known by everyone, while far fewer have ever actually listened to musical geniuses. Take the Chopin piece below, performed by the winner of the last International Chopin competition. (No, it didn’t even make PBS.) The number of hits on this video, posted early last year, hasn’t even reached 2000, while 50 Cent gets 50 million. My point? You’d have to watch the loop of Britney above for months on end to come close to the number of hits she gets for every song. But in a hundred years (if the human race survives, of course), more people on the street will have heard of Chopin. Irony? Not really. Time decides who is a fad and who genius. Salieri or Mozart? Mozart. The Who or The Beetles? “Who’s Who?” they might ask, yet know The Beetles. It’s hard to say. I was just reviewing a book by John D. MacDonald, and thinking about all the bestselling slasher or vampire books out there in comparison. There really is no comparison. When something is unique, time decides. I will put James Lee Burke up against all of the current top bestselling authors, and say there is no comparison. It’s like a grass fed filet mignon against those three dozen feed-lot fed hogs that went into that sallow hot dog on sale at the Piggly Wiggly. It’s like Avatar vs. Battlefield Earth, or Life of Pi vs. Troll 2. All of which said so that you’ll take an actual 7 minutes and watch this video, then tell me you were not moved (at which point I will recommend a psychiatrist to help you avoid taking an AK 47 to the next Batman sequel.) If you like this, check out my short essay on what an artist is here. Enjoy.

       

Shawty Lo: Oprah’s Next Chapter?

Kim Kardashian is having Kanye’s baby, but doesn’t want to get married. Does that mean rapper West should be reading Oprah’s latest chapter…or 50 Shades of Grey? Shawty Lo has 11 children by 10 different women, and brags about it. He started D4L records, which stands for Dicks 4 Life. He has a deal with 50 Cent. One of his songs is “Break Ya Ankles” from the Ball Street Journal. At the 2008 Dirty Awards where he performed, the crowd had to be pepper-sprayed after a feud erupted. He tells his critics to “hate all you want.” Our question: what’s to love?
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Quotes from 50 Shades of Grey:
* “Come, I want to show you my playroom. Now, let’s travel back in time to the Spanish Inquisition.”
* “It’s taking all my self control not to f$#% you on the hood of this car, just to show you that you’re mine, and if I want to buy you a f%@#ing car, I’ll buy you a f%@#ing car!”
* “Men aren’t really complicated, Ana. They’re simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. The more you submit, the greater my joy. It’s a very simple equation.”
* “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Now, don’t get your panties in a twist…and give me back mine!”
* “He’s lost somewhere in his darkness. His eyes are wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, but I cannot resist.”
* “My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five year old. It’s doing the dance of the seven veils!”
* “The physical pain from the bite of his belt is nothing compared to this devastation. Even a pain in the ass needs someone to care about them.”
* “Christian Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. Holy shit. What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some godforsaken part of the planet in his helicopter? In spite of all he’s said and what he hasn’t said, I don’t think I have ever been so happy. Inside my head I’m doing graceful cartwheels.”
* “I’m rich…what can I say?”