Taylor Swift’s Cat Takes on Congress

“Kneel and tremble…”

Congress is stagnant, entrenched, and blocking the path to progress. And since we listen to and believe more in talking fruit and superheroes to save us from those scientifically proven zombies coming, who better than a cat with her own fan club? Meet Meredith the Cat, if you haven’t already. Not only has she better ideas than three hundred Senators, Congressmen, and Governors put together, but she can out-pitch her ideas better than Felix “The Cat” Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners (who earns $19 million, and just signed a 7 year extension worth $175 million.) By comparison, Meredith has 9 lives, hasn’t used the first one yet, and so doesn’t need an extension. Her life companion, Taylor Swift, has proven more devoted than any man, and just bought a house for them in Rhode Island for $17 million in cash, on a salary of $57 million…more than Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, or Katy Perry. Also, Taylor’s father is a financial adviser for Merrill Lynch. So maybe her cat does deserve to be heard in Washington! (They listen to bankers more than anyone else, for those kickbacks under the table.) In short, those fat cats refuse to budge, but just maybe—this time—a full frontal assault on their insane stances will limit all terms of engagement.

Rock of Ages Shocking Deleted Scenes

“We can’t help how we look…or dress….gees!”

In a scene deleted from the original, Tom Cruise’s lookalike is arrested for confusing the groupies present, just before a Kenny Chesney lookalike takes to the stage and begins singing country music, clearing out the club completely. Explains director Adam Manshank: “The scene was funny, but just soooo confusing on soooo many levels. I mean, yeah, we needed a transition, but we were fearful of a Chesney lawsuit, although we might have defended against it by saying no one could have known who Kenny was back in 1987. In the end, we decided to cut the scene, along with one involving a Justin Bieber lookalike being trampled by fifteen year old girls trying to get to Bon Jovi, although both will appear on the DVD as deleted scenes, along with commentary by Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock, and a scene in which groupies die in a club fire and come back as zombies singing Thriller in an alley where David Lee Roth is making out with Pat Benatar, oblivious to it all.”

Your satirist…stunt double for sex scenes, as in Body Heat