Hospitals Make People Sick ON PURPOSE

A new report just released by the CDC indicates that some thirty-five percent of hospitals in the United States are infecting patients with rare germs which no known antibiotics can cure. And now NEN has learned that the same percentage of pharmaceutical firms are developing new drugs to provide those cures. Thirty-five is also the number of dollars each pill will cost, and thirty-five is again the number of States which will provide coverage via Medicare. Is there a connection here? You decide. We have testimonies from 35 doctors who claim to have proof that the drug companies engineered the bugs in order to create a need for their $35 pills, due to hit the market in 35 days. This is very similar to the statin drugs created 35 years ago to fight cholesterol as a means to prevent heart disease, although there is no connection between cholesterol and heart disease…while $35 Billion has been made on just one of the 35 drugs created to fight cholesterol. Get the picture? Of course you can now get generic statins at only 35 cents per pill. What a bargain. Just don’t take them without the vitamin CQ10, however, or you might have a heart attack since statins lower CQ10 levels, and your doctor may not tell you this or even know it, although your heart does know it. (Actually, your chance of heart disease increases by 35% with statins, along with other things like stroke.) Getting back to hospitals, 35% of them sell junk food in their cafeterias, but this is not necessarily the same 35% of hospitals with the rare germs, although there’s a 35% crossover, equivalent to a double-whammy (of diabetes.) To sum up, let’s say you have the flu and go to the hospital for a prescription you can’t get without seeing a doctor. The doctor will have his nurses run 35 tests on you first, billing Medicare $3500, then he’ll consult with you for 35 seconds. Your co-pay will be $35, and the nearest open pharmacy will be 35 miles away 35% of the time. You’ll be cured of the flu, but will come down with a severe debilitating illness, again mysteriously peaking in 35 days, and requiring $35 pills for up to 35 months. If you fall within the double-whammy 35% you now also have a 35% chance of having to stick yourself with needles the rest of your life. Of course Medicare will pay for this too, (if you live in one of the 35 States), and your co-pay will remain $35…although your chance at being able to pay your taxes and retire prior to age 70 has been reduced by half.

In other news, televangelist Ted Cashman has been invited by Kim Jong Un to hold a crusade and fundraiser in North Korea so that they can raise enough money to buy a decent used ICBM. Cashman, chosen by Un primarily because of his name, reportedly has the same charisma that Korean messiah Sun Myung Moon did, and has been known to hypnotize his audiences just before it comes time to pass the KFC buckets marked “$20 Bills Only.” Cashman, currently staying in his vacation penthouse in Dubai while his French mansion and compound is searched by 35 Interpol agents, has so far not tweeted his 3.5 million followers about the invitation, although rumors have it he’s headed for gastric bypass surgery, having gained 135 pounds since he and John Hagee began eating fried chicken in order to collect enough buckets for their last crusade, MC’ed by Creflo Dollar. The new Dubai Hospital is one of the cleanest in the world, and is also where 100% of pharmaceutical executives go to be treated…just before hitting the ski slopes inside the Dubai Mall…which are cryptically angled at 35 degrees.

Olympics to Add FOOD RACES in 2016

The International Olympic Committee has caved to the fast food lobby’s pressure (and bribes) once again. It all started when they announced an intension to ban McDonalds and Coke from the Games, which, as we all know, quietly morphed into McDonald’s sponsorship and ban of their competition in London. Now the Committee has succumbed to pressure by the Food Porn Network to introduce eating competitions and server races to the mix. Scantily clad waitresses will push obese gluttons in wheelchairs around the same oval tracks used by cyclists. The glutton who eats the most Triple Bypass Burgers® by the end of one lap wins. When asked if this wasn’t more like a Special Olympics event, Committee Spokescaver Willard Weaselthorp declared, “These contestants have no socially unacceptable disabilities, other than by France. And they don’t count.” When we asked about the catastrophic health care costs such a concession would burden all the cultures of the world with, (as nations prepare to compete for the new events), Weaselthorp replied, “You should be happy we’ve approved a sport which America will clearly dominate at the next Olympiad. It will also help level the dying field among countries hoping to lead the world—as the United States currently does—in percentage of GDP spent on doctor visits. France excluded, of course.”

That burger costs more than ya think.
Before ya die, better make the link.
Our health care costs are on the brink,
Our taxes leap, right as you sink!  
Goin’ down the tubes.
We eat like boobs. (repeat like supersized fries)