Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was taped singing in a bathroom stall on Capitol Hill by a lobbyist for Rice used at weddings and funerals. (Note: not Condoleezza Rice.) The tape was seized by the Secret Service, but we have reenacted it after obtaining the transcript:
Sittin’ on my toilet bowl,
Livin’ on the government dole.
Done cashed my check, bought a new deck.
It’s all part of playin’ my role.
Get you a new house, too!
Get ridda that pet mouse, fool!
There’s nothin’ ta say, an’ nothin’ to do
jus’ vote the man that makes the rules.
What was most disturbing about the “song” is that it was sung like a rap song! It shows that the Fed believes the Middle Class is toast, since both the rich and poor will crush them either way, and since we insist that our President be tall and dress well for red carpet events as America’s Next Top Mannequin. . . leaving Ron Paul to speak the truth in a closet.
Printing presses at the Treasury have “temporary overheated,” according to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, “and so any proposed bailout of Bank of America will have to be postponed for at least another month. . . otherwise we’ll have to pay interest on the debt with board game notes.” The play ‘Monopoly’ money to which the chairman refers, “will soon have essentially the same value as traditional dollars and T-bills,” according to many futurist economists. The reasoning behind bailing out Bank of America is to prevent it from moving offshore to avoid taxes, much as Goldman Sachs has done. NEN has just obtained classified documents from Wikileaks showing that BofA has billions hidden in the Caymans, (obtained from ATM fees in America, then traded for Australian dollars and Swiss francs.) Their secret plan involves construction of a cruise ship just like hundreds of others which are subsidized by taxpayers. Executives will work in lavish suites in the new BofA Tower, a 27 floor high rise on the new America of the Seas. They will also pay for the ship by firing 16,000 underachieving employees, and by shuffling the cards on a new deck restructured to accommodate other investment banking gamblers. With a registry in Panama, the new ship will have eleven casinos, fifty bars, and Vegas style shows featuring loan officers as magicians, unemployed factory workers as jugglers, and failed hedge fund managers as tight rope walkers. Poolside games will include bingo, Name That Bailout, and Bonus Bonanza. Goldman is currently completing a mega cruise ship of its own at South Korea’s Sea Org docks which will feature a 30 story tower capped by a Presidential penthouse with a solid gold hot tub. Sailing under the flag of the Republic of Togo, the ship will feature a special chapel to greed with stained glass windows of a nude Ayn Rand. Meanwhile, the massive Treasury printers that melted down (in an effort to balance the budget on the backs of middle class retirees with nest eggs) will be replaced by superior Mitsubishi models. A special watermark will being embossed on the bills, but that design is generating controversy too, “since the image is that of a cigar-smoking Arnold Schwarzenegger with two all seeing eyes, both crossed.”
With paper money soon to be as worthless as moonbeams, the Fed is moving to protect the last remaining asset of the United States. Terrorists, after all, can’t really attack buildings anymore because it would hurt Arab countries like Abu Dhabi, which owns the Chrysler Building (and has an offer up for the White House). Having sold so many companies and national treasures in order to finance the eating of ding dongs while watching infomercials for reverse mortgages, America is even now planning to turn the Capitol building into a reality show sound stage for the upcoming American Greed Finals: Dance of the Leper Cons.
In order to one-up Oracle billionaire Larry Ellison, 50 Cent has purchased the Milky Way. No, not a candy bar company, but the actual galaxy in which we all reside. There is no word yet on whether he’ll let us stay, or what kind of taxes he might impose. As you know, Ellison purchased a Hawaiian island recently to add to his collection of yachts, jets, houses, and other “bling.” So the king of bling has decided to be first among other rich rappers to lay claim on the universe itself. As Ryback Solomon of NEN reports, “Fifty wasn’t sure how much to pay for the universe, or to Whom. So he decided that all the petty cash laying around the house would do, since there’s no more music videos to make featuring money anyway. It came to fifty thousand dollars in fifty dollar bills, or one thousand bills. He couldn’t burn them on camera, since that was against the law, so he decided to eat them…with a side order of potato salad. The money was washed first, to remove the cocaine and perfume. So far no one has explained to 50 that the Milky Way is only one galaxy of billions in the universe, and that no one really “owns” anything, much less everything. (Or that Ellison intends to donate 95% of his wealth to charity, as Bill Gates is currently doing.) What’s important to the people around 50 is that they remain around him, and don’t have to apply for a government job in the Federal Reserve in order to handle cocaine-tainted money.” The Humble Space Telescope is now attempting to find the edge of 50′s ego, along with various other rappers, sports gods, and banking CEOs. So far it has only uncovered new supermassive black holes of debt amid the dense clouds of Hollywood star formation, soon to be chronicled on Direct TV’s History Channel…along with infomercials for vortex vacuum cleaners and diamond-encrusted vanity mirrors.
NEN has learned that the movie Tower Heist was shot with an alternate storyline in which the main characters discover the evil investment banker played by Alan Alda has no jewels or money or securities hidden in his penthouse apartment, but rather a stash of government checks. . . thousands of them, made out to him. “It was going to be a twisted joke on entitlement fraud,” director Brett Ratner explained, “but then Leonard DiCaprio came over to visit me from the J. Edgar set, where he overheard the Feds saying they were going to raid us, using a special Presidential Executive order, and post any secrets they find on YouTube and The Huffington Post.” Seems the Fed has been sending all investment bankers thousands of government checks by ‘mistake,’ and such a storyline would blow the whistle on that. When we asked why Ratner doesn’t make a documentary on that subject, he only smiled and went to work on his next production, Horrible Bosses II.
Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller also declined comment, not wanting to be audited.
What’s it all coming to? Anyone’s guess. One’s thing’s for certain: crushed from all sides, the Middle Class is SCREWED. And when they’re gone? Then it’s war, baby. We now go to the local news for their opinions on this ultimate cliff….
NEN: “Do you think there’s a class war coming, and, if so, how will that play out?”
CHANNEL 4: “Live, local, late-breaking! …I don’t think we can say anything about that, although we are required to say other fun things.”
NEN: “You mean like joking about Jennifer Aniston’s love life? Don’t you have an opinion about politics?”
CHANNEL 9: “Super Doppler 9 HD 360 24/7 for YOU! …I think what he means is that we may have opinions, but we’re required to keep them to ourselves.”
NEN: “What about your opinions on sports? You express those opinions all the time.”
CHANNEL 13: “All sports all the time on 13 NOW! …That’s different. Those are personal religious beliefs directly relevant to the local market. If we expressed opinions on national politics or viewer’s personal choices or beliefs we’d be fired.”
NEN: “But you sponsor endless junk food commercials…ads for Hummers…promos urging people to watch game shows and reality TV featuring dysfunctional families who-–”
PBS 29: “Your commercial free station sponsored by Coke! …Charlie Rose takes up this subject with Kim and Kanye on Monday. Stay tuned. This is pledge week.”
“It’s not whether you win of lose, it’s whether you win.” —-Donald Trump
“It’s not whether you win or sin, it’s whether you grin while doing it!” –-Ted Cashman, prosperity gospel televangelist, age 35, now retired to Dubai.
“There is nothing in the dark that isn’t there when the lights are on.” (But…) “It may be said with a degree of assurance that not everything that meets the eye is as it appears.” —Rod Serling