Dear Pat Boone
Thanks so much for the Will you sent, referencing your support for TBN’s mission to get older folks (eg. senile old farts) to sign over their estates in exchange for “a monthly check on the first of every month to supplement their Social Security.” Actually, before signing in blood on the dotted line, I have some questions. (Even though, granted, if you can’t trust Pat Boone, who can you trust?)
1) How much will my monthly check be, and are there any penalties or recourse for me should you default like the Federal Government will do after Social Security collapses due to the Pentagon’s spending that money to protect places like South Korea from enemies like North Korea AND business competitors like the United States?
2) How did you obtain my address, and what does the phrase “special friend” really mean to you? Is it like “Special Forces,” or more like the “special burgers” which fast food restaurants save to the side for anyone who complains about anything?
3) What exactly are these “expenses” that you talk about having? Having just Googled “Trinity Broadcasting,” I see that many of your televangelists are either under investigation or have overextended themselves by purchasing jets or new Mercedes 450SLs, along with beach houses in the Hamptons. Is this what you mean by being “in need?” (BTW, I’ve always wanted a kidney shaped pool like Copeland’s or Dollar’s, especially after I lost a kidney to another kind of mugger with a three inch blade.)
4) Do you know or care that this particular “special friend” has other expenses too, but has never had the actual brass balls to write to strangers asking that they assist me in paying my bills by implying that God might cause them to win the lottery if they do so?
5) You win the lottery every show, don’t you?
6) But how do you TBN people manage to sleep at night, asking poor widows for their lunch money while your kids are enrolled in private schools at thirty grand a year while your wives shop for the designer handbags and you hit golf balls at private country clubs? I know you say God doesn’t want His servants to be poor (or anything hellishly evil like that.) But, I mean, come on! Ever thought of flying coach to Aspen rather than in your own Cessna Citation? It would solve your “overhead” problems, seems to me. Although spamming anyone whose Aunt Agnes was bankrupted by supporting you is certainly more Social Networkish…
666) How do I, ah, like, invest in TBN?
Subject: We Need Your Help Desperately
Dear Mr. Truly,
Thank you for your inquiry. If you are writing with a prayer request or to order pastor Vic’s new DVD series MAKE EVERY DAY CHRISTMAS, please call the hotline number below. If you can make a donation of $20 or more, in any event, this would greatly be appreciated. If you would like the DVD sermons, the cost is $39.95 plus shipping and handling. If you have a vehicle or estate for donation to the ministry, stay on the line after placing your order and a prayer partner will assist you. May God bless you richly with untold bounty as your seed is sown, rooting itself in Paradise. –Pastor Vic Cashman (for Pat Boone)
Call Center: Hello, you’ve reached Vic International.
Chuck Upton: Don’t you mean Vic Cashman International Ministries, with offices in Seoul and Dubai?
CC: Yes, of course, sir. May we pray with you today?
CU: No, I’m calling to talk to Vic.
CC: I’m sorry?
CU: Cashman. Victor Cashman. Are you Indian or something? You sound Indian.
CC: Yes, I am from India, sir. And I’m sorry, but Mr. Cashman is not here.
CU: Where is here, exactly?
CC: I’m sorry?
CU: Where are you, right now, this very moment?
CC: (after a pause) In India, sir. Didn’t I just say this?
CU: No, you didn’t. TBN has outsourced their phone lines? It’s nice to see how they’re cutting overhead. Do you know if the company is going public anytime soon?
CC) Excuse me?
CU) Can I talk to Pat Boone?
CC) I’m sorry, sir, he’s not available either.
CU) What if I want to hire him for an infomercial?
Without any ado, let us present the best rapper names chosen by select celebs at gunpoint in the alley outside a top New York nightclub:
ICE CUBE (chosen by Lloyd Blankfein)
THE PHARCYDE (L. Ron Hubbard Jr.)
EMINEM (Kim Kardashian)
SNOOP DOGG (Dr. Phil)
DIGABLE PLANETS (Steven Spielberg)
CHAMILLIONAIRE (Jerry “Cha Cha” Seinfeld)
WHODINI (Ben “Who Me” Bernanke)
POOR RIGHTEOUS TEACHERS (PETA CEO)
MONIE LOVE (Creflo Dollar)
SCHOOLLY D (David Letterman)
KRAZIE BONE (Bill “Krazie Bone” Clinton)
Q TIP (Hillary Clinton)
THE JUICE CREW (Fox News team)
2PAC (Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie)
BUSTA RHYMES (Simon Cowell)
DA BRAT (Paris Hilton)
SPECIAL ED (George Bush)
GRANDMASTER FLASH (J.K. Rowling)
50 CENT (Michael Milken)
PUFF DADDY (Gordon Ramsay)