You heard it here first. Phoenix, still in rehab at Tucson’s posh Canyon Ranch resort, is co-ghost writing Charlie Sheen’s memoir under the working title I’M HERE TOO. Both have managed to smuggle cocaine and hookers into the facility, with the help of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh is co-author of the memoir, and will appear on Letterman to promote the project, dressed in drag. “I’m retiring from radio to become a movie star, and Charlie has offered to help me win a Best Actress Oscar in exchange for penmanship lessons,” Limbaugh told a roaring crowd at a monster truck rally in Rio Lindo. “After all, I’m a bestselling author, just like Glenn Beck.” The book will mention Limbaugh more than it does Sheen. “Sheen doesn’t even know about the book,” Phoenix confessed to NEN, “it’s his agent behind this. My idea too. We’re planning a mockumentary about it all, directed by James Cameron. It’ll be 3D with an underwater scene involving heavy artillery to boot.” We asked Joaquin why he was revealing this to our reporter Ryback Solomon, and he responded, “Because who’s going to believe Not Entertainment News? You’re not even a real news organization.” Not. We thanked Joaquin for this statement, since we are being sued by fourteen celebs over prior news items. Then we joined him, Charlie, and Rush at Canyon Ranch for a dip in the jacuzzi with Glenn Beck and his mistress Zoe Saldana.
Rev. Peter Popoff wants you to buy his “miracle spring water” in a blatant ripoff scheme invoking God as his sidekick cash flow adviser. With his bid to prove once and for all the monumental stupidity of the typical cable subscriber, Popoff has won first prize on TOP RIPOFF, a game show featuring contestants whose names end in “off.” The goal is to fleece those viewers with the fewest brain cells left firing due to TV addiction, whether they watch CBN or ESPN. Says host Clyde Jurkoff, “While people are watching fictional cop shows and zombie movies, real Criminal Minds are at work creating soul-sucking programming and publications for the benefit of their post-apocalyptic pension plans.” Popoff’s show is being hailed by Prosperous AntiChrist Magazine as “must-see TV,” after focus groups of somnambulant QVC acolytes became hypnotized by the phrase, and instinctively reached for their purses and wallets with a mania bordering the auto-erotic.
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