Jack Reacher 2 Announced

Jack Reacher has promised to punish more people who have escaped the law, this time on Wall Street. In the new movie he will target CEOs whom the FBI cannot touch because they have paid off politicians for favorable legislation. A homeless man camped out in a park is half beaten to death by inside traders, and Reacher has been summoned to dispense justice just for us, and not them (ie. “just us” justice.) Can he Just Do It, or not? Watch the video below and see. (By the Way, Reacher is the creation of Lee Child, whom I once interviewed, and Lee’s fan club call themselves “Reacher Creatures.” Zombies? No, that would be those who buy guns thinking they need to protect themselves from the coming zombie apocalypse …instead of the collapse of the dollar due to catastrophic health care costs.) Thanks, Discovery Channel! Now let’s discover some viewers whose brains haven’t been eaten by TV.

Also coming, starring a woman who says she’s “too attractive to work:” NOTTING HILL 2

Bizarre Solution to Fix POSTAL SERVICE Proposed

The U.S. Postal Service is losing $25 Million per day because it is the only government entity which is actually required to fund the future health care costs of its retirees. (Every other agency merely kicks the can down the road for future deadbeat politicians to deal with.) Time and again the USPS tried to eliminate Saturday service in order to save hundreds of millions by taking a million gas-guzzling vehicles off the streets. But since “never give an inch” is the motto of our culture (esp. politicians and unions, who view the word “compromise” like they view the word “shit”) it’s a non-starter. So Not Entertainment News suggests that instead of raising postage rates to European standards (a one-ounce letter mailed in England cost 94 cents,) the USPS should be incorporated into the NFL, which is a rock solid financial dynamo able to pass out $50 million plus contracts as standard practice. Coaches in the NFL make million plus salaries, and top coaches get $500 grand-plus bonuses for each win. (Shit, even referees make $150 grand, part time.) As part of the NFL, the postal service’s goals could be achieved, union demands met, and Coke and Pepsi would finally have their emblems on the sides of postal delivery vehicles, which has been their goal all along. (The U.S. Government, by contrast, is a badly mismanaged and losing team…they win games but not rings because they don’t understand the playoffs, and have no playbook or silver lining (ie. exit strategy)…even after spending more than everyone else in the world combined.) We suggest recruiting Zen master Phil Jackson from the NBA to mojo the USPS’s full transition into sports. (Sorry Lance Armstrong didn’t work out.) Maybe the Pentagon could be part of the NFL next! After all, as shown elsewhere in this blog, everything is a sport in our culture anyway, and so the goal here is to prevent people from going postal at being hit with a .94 cent stamp featuring Goldman Sach’s CEO Lloyd Blankfein, (which is Plan B.) …Oh, and you’ll also have to get used to hearing and using the word “SHIT” regularly and often. (It is, after all, an innocuous word meaning “feces,” and is also an anagram of “hits.”)  

Order Postmarked for Death ebook here.

Suicide Clubs in Japan & China Latest Craze

Buying treasury securities and real estate in the United States may be the crazy craze of their parents, but kids in China and Japan have their own insanity: McDonalds French Fries and Coke parties. Some journalists, like our own Walter Witty, call these “suicide parties,” although the victims probably won’t die right away. “Actually, they are cutting out their future years,” Reporter Ryback Solomon explains. “Years that seem a long way off right now, but will be here before you can count all the millions made by Coke, Pepsi, and McDonalds targeting these kids. Like the Sade song says, it’s a slow bullet. And this is no hollow point.” Note: Asian kids are still relatively free of the obesity and diabetes epidemics American kids suffer, since, as yet, there isn’t a convenience store selling 64 oz. sodas on every street corner (or soda machines in every school) like here in America.

Hacker Attack Traced to Wall Street Quants

Quants on Wall Street are suspected of hacking the AP and causing a 143 point drop in the Dow. They then made buys on falling stocks and generated millions in profits. “This is a very creative move, and these guys are the smartest in the room,” cheered Jeff Skilling, formerly of Enron. It is unclear what room Skilling is referring to, and the FBI is investigating. Skilling’s current room is at a Federal Correctional Facility in Littleton Colorado. (Perhaps he meant the Romper Room? Blowing up the White House was big there, especially among kids destined to become Hollywood script writers.)
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Word of the Day
“Quant“: A quantitative analyst whose job it is to provide his employer with means by which to maximize profit at all cost to their clients. Historically, the quant caused the Great Recession by creating complex financial instruments like credit default swaps, thereby shunting risk onto the taxpayers (ie. grandma and grandpa), reducing their funeral processions to two drunken uncles and a casket salesman who once sold used Chevy Comets. A quant’s habitat is usually the upper floors of upscale buildings, particularly penthouses. Drug of choice is Peruvian cocaine, while their clients typically take more dangerous drugs, like those advertised on TV, such as for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heartburn, or depression. Call your doctor right away if you notice itching, hives, swelling, trouble breathing, blistering, bloody or tarry stools, nausea, spasms, confusion, cramps, diarrhea, gas, fever, projectile vomiting, or vampirism. 

Nadia G Wins Golden Parachute Award

Combine a comic with a cook and what do you get? Nadia Giosia, also known as Nadia G, a 30ish Montreal-born dynamo with an Italian heritage. Her show “Bitchin’ Kitchen” began on the web before moving to the Cooking Channel and Food Network Canada (and the UK.) We call her the Shakira of Food Porn, and hereby award her the world’s first GOLDEN PARACHUTE AWARD. One of Nadia’s quotes is “Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.” So why a golden parachute? Typically, the phrase invokes images of a CEO with a cigar, looking to jump out the window while his employees burn. Here what I mean relates to the new book THE END OF BIG. The author talks about big business going belly up when the price of gas reaches $14 a gallon in 25 years. What will save America are individuals, working together, to supply their communities with independently crafted products, and that extends to include food, energy, transportation, clothing, etc. So even if TV stations fail, as newspapers are currently doing, there will always be a place for original, imaginative talent. People who entertain while providing a service or product. People who think outside the box (or bun.) And so, we salute you, Nadia. You’re a fearless survivor. You didn’t let anything stop you. And underneath all that makeup, you have a heart, too. In short, you’re no bitch. You’re bitchin’!

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More quotes from Nadia:
“Defeat the fear of death, and welcome the death of fear.”
“Great things are accomplished by talented people who believe they will accomplish them.”
“I have no trouble with my enemies. It’s my friends who keep me walking the floor at night.”
“Companies which get misled by their own success are sure to be blind sided.”
“Often in television, particularly in lifestyle entertainment, they really try and box you in. Julia Child wasn’t afraid to have fun. America was ready for something other than a vanilla cooking show, and we were providing the double dark chocolate fudge.”
“You can be smart and still look hot. You can be a punk rocker yet have a refined vocabulary. It’s all about this mashup that makes us who we are, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.”
“First and foremost, you’ve got to make yourself happy. Essentially being who you are is most important. When you’re after truth, happiness always comes.”