The Doomsday Preppers, (whose articles of incorporation indicate they formed due to statements made by Ben Bernanke and Kim Kardashian), “rioted” at a Sears Black Friday event after being bested by area soccer moms in the toy department. “The Kiss-Me-Elmo doll was down to one left,” reports Ryback Solomon, “and had been selected as one of the target items the Preppers wanted to include in their Plan B Project, along with a Twinkie and a set of Craftsman tools, all chosen for their suggested irony. The Plan B Project, created via a grant supplied through Congressional earmark, involves embedding cultural icons as new ‘fossil’ time capsules into cave rocks to be discovered in the distant future by advanced alien paleontologists, after catastrophic global tornadoes and nuclear winter have caused homo sapiens to go belly up. Actually, the term ‘riot,’ as used by bored journalists in search of ratings, was somewhat of a sensational overstatement, since the Preppers were, in fact, outnumbered and outgunned by the horde of drooling Mama Boo-Boo look-alikes who’d arrived in mini-vans and Hummers. The Twinkie has a suspected shelf life of 6 Million years, while the Craftsman tools could be returned for a full refund to Sears Tower, were it still to stand. As for the Elmo in question, it did not survive ten minutes, and now resembles cheap pillow stuffing.”
In other news, will the NFL soon discover a cure for cancer? They aren’t denying the rumors, after one of their players, suffering a concussion and boos, emerged from his coma with a higher I.Q.. “Is this a freak of nature, or a harbinger of future transformational insights related to head injuries?” coach Guy Budswell asked “hypnothetically” after consulting several books which were not rule books or record books (and included a dictionary.) “I believe with my whole torso that Butch may indeed score the Big One for the Ripper, proving that a knock on the head can be a good thing. Those few of you out there who are not NFL fans yet should now reconsider your hostile assumptions in light of this new evidence, using as a basis your very argument that societal progress is made by non-static individual ideas and not groupthink or confrontational conformity. Just think about it, anyway, George and Jeff. And Walter. You guys have been holdouts, and for what? Who’s to say another concussion like Butch’s won’t lead to fusion power or term limits? Call the number on your screen right now and order Direct TV Prime Sunday Ticket. Remember, if you act now you get Ultimate Cage Fighter, with plenty of quantum concussion metrics at play there too. Plus two liters of Coke.” Footnote: Budswell was arrested soon after making this statement for engaging in DUI with a minor. Meanwhile, funding for medical research has been cut, although more money for bigger stadiums continues to be generated through municipal bonds.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was taped singing in a bathroom stall on Capitol Hill by a lobbyist for Rice used at weddings and funerals. (Note: not Condoleezza Rice.) The tape was seized by the Secret Service, but we have reenacted it after obtaining the transcript:
Sittin’ on my toilet bowl,
Livin’ on the government dole.
Done cashed my check, bought a new deck.
It’s all part of playin’ my role.
Get you a new house, too!
Get ridda that pet mouse, fool!
There’s nothin’ ta say, an’ nothin’ to do
jus’ vote the man that makes the rules.
What was most disturbing about the “song” is that it was sung like a rap song! It shows that the Fed believes the Middle Class is toast, since both the rich and poor will crush them either way, and since we insist that our President be tall and dress well for red carpet events as America’s Next Top Mannequin. . . leaving Ron Paul to speak the truth in a closet.
Without any ado, let us present the best rapper names chosen by select celebs at gunpoint in the alley outside a top New York nightclub:
ICE CUBE (chosen by Lloyd Blankfein)
THE PHARCYDE (L. Ron Hubbard Jr.)
EMINEM (Kim Kardashian)
SNOOP DOGG (Dr. Phil)
DIGABLE PLANETS (Steven Spielberg)
CHAMILLIONAIRE (Jerry “Cha Cha” Seinfeld)
WHODINI (Ben “Who Me” Bernanke)
POOR RIGHTEOUS TEACHERS (PETA CEO)
MONIE LOVE (Creflo Dollar)
SCHOOLLY D (David Letterman)
KRAZIE BONE (Bill “Krazie Bone” Clinton)
Q TIP (Hillary Clinton)
THE JUICE CREW (Fox News team)
2PAC (Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie)
BUSTA RHYMES (Simon Cowell)
DA BRAT (Paris Hilton)
SPECIAL ED (George Bush)
GRANDMASTER FLASH (J.K. Rowling)
50 CENT (Michael Milken)
PUFF DADDY (Gordon Ramsay)