Pentagon Unveils the USS John McCain

While everyone else was watching The Masters, war hero (and master hawk) John McCain was grinning ear to ear to hear that the Pentagon has ordered 13 more hover carriers, the first of which will bear his name. (Others to follow will be named in honor of other Senators who have resisted raising taxes on the rich.) How will they pay for it, and still keep all those foreign bases and golf courses open? No one is saying, although several Wall Street insiders, recently moved to Singapore, are tipping their glasses in farewell to the USA, having cashed in their Caymans accounts and purchased condos. “Maybe their only hope now are superheroes,” chuckled supervillain Lloyd Bankfine. In other news, Tom Cruise is under attack, not just from aliens in Oblivion (or evil thetans), but also from a sect of radical religious NASCAR fans, whose hypocrisy is evident in the video below. Do rabid sports fan-addicts have the right to criticize Tom? Just asking. You decide after seeing the vid. (News you don’t get on 60 Minutes anymore, tongue-in-cheek or not, since they have moved more towards covering how to throw a knuckle ball and cook Tex Mex…with only a nod toward the Pentagon’s futile battles overseas and the DEA’s futile trillion dollar battle against marijuana. “Give the people what they want!”)   

LEAN IN, Sweet Sherliot

Once upon a time little Lucy and little Lloyd were playing in the living room. Lucy got a doll house, and Lloyd got a toy tank. When they got to school, Lucy was heckled about how she dressed, and so became interested in fashion and makeup. Lloyd was shoved in the alley, and learned how to fight with brass knuckles. Now Lucy was always told, (everywhere she went), that she needed to lean on a man for security, and so finding the right one, (with the right prospects), was very important. Meanwhile, Lloyd was told he’d better learn to lean the right way or he’ll lose his teeth, and so he came to lean on people who got in his way. In the end Lucy married a rich man and moved into a nice suburban home with an SUV to drive around the little tykes she thought she needed to fulfill her destiny, while Lloyd took his tank to the bank on Wall Street, where he blew up both clients and competitors by making complex and strategic investments against their best interests while leaning on politicians to come through for him (after passing donations to campaigns under the table.) …Now you have the backstory of American culture. Enter Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer, with a new book and a profile on 60 Minutes, saying that women can (and should) become leaders like the 96% of Fortune 500 CEOs (who are men.) Questions: should women want to “have it all” like she does? What would that mean, and what does success mean? Women have recently fought to go into the front lines of combat, and have accordingly been granted this “privilege.” But is it a good thing to die in futile and expensive wars perpetrated by fat cat Generals who sit on ergonomically engineered Captain’s chairs while munching on pork rinds? Is it a good thing to be able to lie to your customers and sales force in order to sell more tainted drugs (or the company’s stock) in order to be a bigger and better “success?” Women are even now sitting on the front row at cage fighting events, trying to beat down the feminine instincts that have been instilled in them for generations. NEN would like to say that women shouldn’t envy men, or try to emulate them. If the world were all men, after all, the human race would now be extinct…and not just for the obvious reason. The second reason is that men are taught to compete and kill (on the killing fields, or symbolically in sports), and not to cooperate. So we would have nuked the planet, leaving it for the rise of the machines. And we will be doing so sooner than expected if women become like men. Sandberg is not saying that women should abandon femininity and sensitivity, but some of her followers are not getting this message, and what some take from it is to be more like men. But do you really want climb up on the tank, and level the competition, “ladies?” Do you see the word “bitch” as men see “bastard” (ie. something to put on a resume)? Besides this, where’s our protection instinct when women are outwardly as cruel as a lineman going for an opponent’s bum knee? We’ll nuke each other out of frustration, as suicide…unless you can somehow get in control and calm us down… Or is that the plan? Maybe there’s a drug you have in mind. Maybe– …No, wait. Now I sound like that clown on UFO Hunters. Anyway, just think about it. Do you really want to look like one of those powerful men in the funny hats at the Vatican? (By the way, the next Pope will be chosen by the Arizona Cardinals in a secret game that will be played at midnight at Sun Devil stadium in Phoenix, sponsored by Cardinal Shower Enclosures.)

Man Wins 50th Bronze Medal

Carl Jablonsky has won his 50th bi-annual Bronze in the Dallas Chili Cookoff, yet all he could do was cry in his beer at being defeating again for the Gold and Silver by numerous rivals who placed ahead of him previously. “I’m truly ashamed of myself,” he said. “I’ve lost my self worth, my dignity, my savings, my family, and my will to keep on cooking.” Bobby Flay has never called him for a Throw Down, he says, although he used humane grass-fed beef instead of the Gold winning grain-fed beef from the Texas Longhorn Extermination Camp. And when he goes into his neighborhood bar? No one knows his name. His only friend is Thomas Drake, an ex intelligence officer who blew the whistle on the government’s waste of three billion dollars, and was being prosecuted for leaking the intel until 60 Minutes did a story on him…at which point all charges were dropped. Together, the two troll storage lockers in hopes of finding old silver or gold jewelry to sell to companies advertising to buy metal prior to the collapse of the dollar, (when filling your tank will cost a nice wedding ring.) When told about a buyer in Reno for bronze, he laughed and said, “Not enough left for gas to get there!” To which Drake said, “Look, buddy, we’ll hitchhike. We can do it.” When the Gold medal winner, (a former Iron Chef and restauranteur who flew in for the event,) heard this on the local news, he added, “Just do it. Yeah. That’s the spirit!” Then the commentator commented: “You know, Drake tried to save the taxpayer billions, might have prevented 9/11, and they tried to lock him up for it. Now nobody cares. What does all of this say about our values?” A NASA Mission engineer, waiting on the phone to be interviewed, (and thinking the question wasn’t just rhetorical), responded, “Good thing we’re going to Mars. I mean. . .I mean, they got a drought there too, but at least it’s cooler.”

 

Pentagon to Bomb WikiLeaks

Julian Assange has leaked the Pentagon’s plans to bomb their computer facility, after being embarrassed since Wikileaks released the Afghan War Diary and classified information on Gitmo and Stuxnet viruses.  (Along with a few negative reviews of Dick Cheney’s book.)  The Wikileaks server, located in a former nuclear bunker in Sweden, may be accessible to a so-called “bunker buster” bomb after softening by conventional 600 pound warheads, according to several highly paid analysts.  “We don’t want to go nuclear, here,” confessed General Chuck “Duke” Bumfeld from NORAD, mindful of 60 Minutes, “unless, of course, we have to.  Those Swedish idiots who harbor this traitor may be traitors too, but we have to think of all the women and children who don’t actually have the nuts to pick up an automatic weapon once in a while, and, oh, maybe just blow away some Cuckoo clocks or something.  Anyway, we’re gonna give that sickie wiki a hickey so big he’ll need a straw to take a leak with his. . . well, nevermind.”  Assange is currently assembling a number of monks and nuns in the facility for “Unix/Linex and Bash Shell computer programming classes to be taught by Khan Academy’s founder,” and he has leaked that too.  Many other whistleblowers related to banking, cigarettes, junk food, and both the insurance and drug industries are converging on the bunker to support Assange.  But this has led to Duke’s rethinking nuclear action.  (His tongue reportedly went “licky licky” across his lips before he said, cryptically, “Maybe now I’m not so picky?”)

In other news, the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California has quieted down a bit since Robert Schuller stepped down at the bankruptcy.  Instead of being called The Hour of Power, with its relentless message of optimism, the new radio program will be called The Hour of Hope.  “The man was at the end of his rope,” declared the Pope, “and he took the money we offered because he’s no dope.”  The Catholics will take over the facility soon, and will utilize the secret computer server in the basement with the financial histories of the church’s supporters as part of the deal.  But not before a whistleblower within the Schuller organization downloaded secret dioceses files involving priests and choir boys.  The files, now erased (also as part of the buyout deal), are currently being uploaded onto Wikileaks. 

IDES OF MARCH Shocking Alternate Ending

George Clooney was having “just too much fun” directing himself on The Ides of March, according to our sources.  While we can’t name these sources, we can tell you that the levity on the set reached such epic heights that he considered embellishing the script with an ending twist involving Jack Abramoff and Ralph Reed.
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NEN:  So you were going to bring Indian casinos and the Christian Coalition into it?
SOURCE:  Why not?  You remember when Ryan sits down in front of the camera for an interview at the end, and the screen goes black?  Well, in the uncut version he explains how Phil Hoffman’s character got fired from the campaign, and it involves a dominatrix and whips, just like the first chapter of Ralph Reed’s novel Ballots and Blood.
NEN:  Didn’t Abramoff go to prison because he got Reed to close some casinos, which he then lobbied to reopen for a fee of millions?
SOURCE:  That’s right, and Reed got kickbacks while the Indians were screwed.  And now Abramoff has a book out, too.  Even got on 60 Minutes to promote it.
NEN:  I almost got on 60 Minutes, but they cut my interview down to 60 Seconds.  Decided I wasn’t evil enough to merit bestseller status.  Not like Tricky Dick Cheney.
SOURCE:  Well, maybe you should hire a couple hits, bribe a few Senators, and firebomb a nursery school.  You’d be an instant celebrity.  Might even make you an American Idol judge.
NEN:  Hey, that’s an idea.
SOURCE:  Which you didn’t hear from me.
NEN:  By the way, good luck at the Oscars.
SOURCE:  Thanks, Wilde man.  Say hi to Dorian for me.
NEN:  I would, but he’s one of the walking dead now too, I’m afraid.
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“Greed is Great, Greed is Cold, Pass the Plate, God is Gold!”


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In other news, actor Nicholas Cage was temporarily trapped in a teller’s cage at the First Fidelity Bank of Memphis while helping a clerk handle his withdrawal.  The cage, part of a new security system at the bank, lowered automatically when it was entered by the actor, who was not wearing a special encoded ID tag preventing anyone but Lloyd Blankfein to pilfer petty cash not already siphoned by Ben Bernanke’s love child Bertha.  The amount of $700,000 being withdrawn from Cage’s account was to be used, according to the actor, to “roll around in at a Las Vegas penthouse with some disillusioned Occupy Wall Street streetwalkers.”  After Mr. Cage made his way out with four large bags of cash, the bank president announced over the loudspeaker that the actor had “left the building,” and promised, snickering, that he would “never leave Vegas alive.”  Then, addressing his employees about their handling of the incident, he added, “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.”