Also coming, starring a woman who says she’s “too attractive to work:” NOTTING HILL 2

“Kneel and tremble…”

Congress is stagnant, entrenched, and blocking the path to progress. And since we listen to and believe more in talking fruit and superheroes to save us from those scientifically proven zombies coming, who better than a cat with her own fan club? Meet Meredith the Cat, if you haven’t already. Not only has she better ideas than three hundred Senators, Congressmen, and Governors put together, but she can out-pitch her ideas better than Felix “The Cat” Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners (who earns $19 million, and just signed a 7 year extension worth $175 million.) By comparison, Meredith has 9 lives, hasn’t used the first one yet, and so doesn’t need an extension. Her life companion, Taylor Swift, has proven more devoted than any man, and just bought a house for them in Rhode Island for $17 million in cash, on a salary of $57 million…more than Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, or Katy Perry. Also, Taylor’s father is a financial adviser for Merrill Lynch. So maybe her cat does deserve to be heard in Washington! (They listen to bankers more than anyone else, for those kickbacks under the table.) In short, those fat cats refuse to budge, but just maybe—this time—a full frontal assault on their insane stances will limit all terms of engagement.

There’s a widget for everything, now. Or, as they say, “there’s an app for that.” Whoever they are. There are widgets for every possible interest or sport. If your life revolves around Scottish curling (and why shouldn’t it?) they have a widget for you to track those all-important scores 24/7. Our culture has largely given up on human progress (in favor of entertainment), and is instead engaged in finding a tailor-made escape from reality, with the help of advertisers who are all too willing to produce a feedback loop allowing you to avoid what you don’t care to hear about. (Listen to the audiobook Brandwashing and the even scarier The Filter Bubble to hear how people are encouraged to stay ignorant of their neighbors by ever-increasing customization and personalization, which facilitates antagonistic groups to believe they are superior, which in turn leads to violence.) Now, I’m all for entertainment. People have to unwind or they’ll pop like (any day) I expect Glenn Beck to do. You can’t blame them. People are bored silly by real news, and so they seek out all the mind-bendingly moronic special effects which clueless directors like J.J. Abrams foist on them. And these days you have to actually crash the Enterprise into the city where someone lives in order to keep them from nodding off. Blaster battles and supernovas in outer space just don’t do it, anymore. Or as The Filter Bubble puts it, “A squirrel dying in front of your house is of more relevant interest to you than children dying in Africa.” Wow. Maybe this is why Kim Jong un shoots off so many fireworks. And what happens when our attention spans reach zero? Maybe that’s when someone truly nuts pushes the button to end it all. (Never fear, Glenn Beck will volunteer for this, as a self-fulfilling prophecy.) I predict we may all, indeed, end with a bang AND a whimper…but please not before my final coffee at Starbucks. (We are programmed to march in lock-step there too, and need this caffeine kick in case NBC and CBS and ABC provide no new ass-kicking accident or scandal to rubberneck that day. Or as the song goes, “Kick’em when they’re up, kick’em when they’re down…We got a bubble headed bleach blonde who comes on at five…she can tell you ’bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye…we can do the innuendo, we can dance and sing…when it’s said and done we ain’t told you a thing…all we know is that crap is king, give us dirty laundry.”) Starbucks should team with BuzzFeed and hit people three ways from Sunday when they enter their stores. As it is, they are too lazy to provide condiments like ketchup for the bland, dry egg sandwiches they said they’d never carry again. In the meantime, why do so many young people believe that the new Star Trek movie is the best ever (and not derivative)? For the same reason that many watch The Apprentice instead of trying to learn what “derivative” means…or “derivatives” (noun), those financial instruments of corruption employed by friends of The Donald after kicking your ass to the curb.  

Order Postmarked for Death ebook here.

A feature film based on the classic TV show SEA HUNT is being pitched in Hollywood, but so far no luck. Producers are hoping that their appearance on Shark Tank will lure one or all of the sharks to bite, and that they’ll fund a sequel at the same time. James Cameron is a possible director, and could film both the original and sequel simultaneously (along with Avatar 2 and 3.) “He should be able to squeeze us in for a possible 2015 release,” script writer Walter Witty is suggesting. “If not, we’ll try for Woody Allen.”

Secret History:  Walter Witty, otherwise known as the Homeless Comic, purports to know the answers to all of life’s biggest questions. He’s not particularly proud of this, and just calls it “uncommon sense.” Go figure. But here’s the thing: the news media are starting to catch on. And they NEED answers badly. So while the police keep arresting him for acting like he’s an authority or something, (and telling jokes without poetic license or the use of talking fruit), Witty is being sought out on such wide ranging subjects as politics, culture, and (as Woody Allen puts it) “the ability of leprechauns to locate gold.” (Note: Woody was trying to say that leprechauns, vampires, and zombies don’t actually exist, so the referenced gold is fool’s gold…unless you’re a Hollywood producer, in which case the gold is real.) Witty is often forced to use disguises and pseudonyms such as Ryback Solomon (lending him the more respectable title “reporter,” which also sounds better to those geniuses on TMZ, who just stand around trading verbal snipes at celebrities while drinking soda.) Witty is the cousin of one Walter Mitty, although Walter would claim that this claim is a figment of his (Witty’s) imagination. To sum up, both nothing (and everything) anyone named Walter says can be construed as both fact and fiction, both satire and deep truth, but this particular Walter disclaims responsibility for any and all consequences resulting from incorporating his (or Entertainment Tonight’s) views into their personal value system…which system, as we know, is already pretty much written in stone, thanks to years of subliminal (or otherwise) advertising. Just so you know.

Air Force Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski has been charged with sexual battery after a woman reported he grabbed her breasts and buttocks in a parking lot in the early morning hours of Sunday, May 5, before fighting him off. The kicker? HE IS A SEXUAL ASSAULT PREVENTION CHIEF. Wow, who needs to write satire anymore? The headlines themselves are a joke. What’s next? The Air Force is requesting jurisdiction over the case, a “move” that is described as their “standard position.” Gees, they gotta go by the E.L. James rule book? Maybe what these people need to do is read WASHINGTON RULES by former Col. Andrew Bacevich, who suggests voters change the rules. (Term limits are a start.) As it is, the Pentagon thinks that not punishing victims who seek treatment is “change.”

In future news, do not be surprised to see a new magazine intended to hook future sports addicts even earlier…it will soon be making the way into toy stores.  Bundled with baby rattles and pacifiers, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED FOR INFANTS will feature no words, only pictures of pitchers, umpires, quarterbacks, etc. Some mothers are outraged at those photos which depict chewing tobacco, beer swilling, and half-naked men in Lazy boys munching potato chips, but little do they know that a pilot program is in the works to subliminally broadcast ball games into the wombs of mothers who opt for ultrasound. Stay tuned.

Former chef turned TV host Anthony Bourdain has been involved in a horrific plane crash that has left fans wondering whether he will emerge from plastic surgery looking younger. See shocking footage below, taken in the Ozarks.

For more on Bourdain, click on his name (link) above. (BTW, this vid was inspired by his recent comment on Parts Unknown, “I’m feeling all my years.” He has a wicked sense of humor, so this is homage.)