Category Archives: Zombies
Are You Disgusted by the Evening News?
Here’s a recap: On the 10th anniversary of “shock and awe” it has been determined that the Iraq war was a total waste of lives, time, and money. (They are back to fighting, with escalation, a new generation of radical religious nuts, and leveled schools and infrastructure.) That’s 4500 American deaths, 110,000 innocent Iraqi deaths, and $2 Trillion dollars still to be paid by the American taxpayer. (Oil exports? Forget about it.) Next, seven soldiers dead in an accident in Nevada at an Army base. (Training for Afghanistan, another country we shouldn’t be involved with militarily.) And the Army brass who announced that “this happens whenever you train for war”? He was SMILING. That’s right. Oh, but maybe somebody just told him a good joke about rape or suicide in the military (or something hilarious like that.) Of course the Pope is kissing babies, so all is right with the world. Right? Meanwhile, over on Charlie Rose, guess who’s pitching his new book? CEO Maurice Greenberg from AIG, with “The AIG Story.” And what a fiction it is, too. (See post below.) What’s he telling Charlie (whose pauses between questions are uncomfortably long)? “I never did anything wrong, ever.” Not only that, but he’s SUING the government for putting restrictions on the taxpayer bailout of his company. Oh hahahaahahaha… Reminds me of the scene in Glengarry Glen Ross where Alec Baldwin holds up some brass balls and says, “you gotta have brass balls to sell real estate.” He and Jack Welch loved Bush, hate Obama, and admire “winners,” (too bad it doesn’t matter how you get there.) Has everybody at the “top” turned into zombies? If so, Not Entertainment News would like to offer them their Just Rewards. Let’s give them Zombie Cupcakes. (You can eat them while watching World War Z, too. The sugar will keep you from going Zzzzz.)
World War Z vs. Oblivion
The movie World War Z (due in June) will be one of the biggest movies of the year. Why? The advertising budget, the star (Brad Pitt), and the visuals and action. One ad that you watch on many of these trailers is “Ready for Love.” Are you ready? Pucker up for more of the same old thing. . . although no one can explain why zombies want to eat people so badly (not each other), what a zombie actually is (other than a Congressman or Senator), or why vampires and zombies never seem to die in the public’s “imagination” (if we can call it that.) A better option, in my humble opinion, is Oblivion, coming mid-April, and starring Tom Cruise. True, it’s based on a graphic novel and not a real one (as is WWZ), but at least the premise of the story hasn’t been done to death (only to arise from its grave and gnaw at our ankles once again.) Instead of a war against zombies and a zombie virus (gees, where have we heard that before?), it’s about a drone repairman on a devastated Earth, destroyed by an alien invasion 60 years prior, as the military attempts to extract vital resources. Morgan Freeman enlightens Jack (Cruise) on what turns out to be a twist in the politics at play. A flip of the Avatar model? We shall see. My only caveat is that it’s set in 2073, which is far too near in time (as usual, remember 2001: A Space Odyssey?) for the technology and storyline. At least the script wasn’t kicked around like a soccer ball by multiple writers up to the very end, with the ending in the hands of a former LOST writer (who also did Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Cloverfield.) Indeed, the script went to three writers in succession, each contributing, none fired, and so the final result was called by Universal, “one of the most beautiful scripts we’ve ever come across.” No reason to trust that statement either, but at least the guy who completed it won an Oscar for writing Little Miss Sunshine, also wrote the upcoming Catching Fire, and Star Wars: Episode VII (2015), and so you can be reasonably sure that no one who actually cleans toilets for a living had a part. (In short, if want to see a good movie, don’t follow the ads or the actors, follow the writers.) Having seen neither film yet, (obviously), I can’t judge the acting, the directing, etc. But I think you know which one I won’t be seeing. (Zzzzzzz.) What about you?
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Pentagon to fight Zombie War
Silver bullets still being manufactured by the Pentagon.
That’s right, folks. The Pentagon has decided that our next war, after pulling out of Afghanistan, will be to fight zombies “wherever we find them.” It’s the next grrrrreat! war, (and as with hurricanes we’ve run out of letters and so have come to Z, with a docudrama coming.) Defense lobbyists are trying to keep the data of this war away from Wikileaks, but NEN has learned that the new silver bullets and crypt-buster smart bombs will prove ineffective, as zombies are not like vampires, and are, in fact, a different culture that (again) the Pentagon does not really understand. Will it all end in tears, after another bloody feeding frenzy? Stay tuned to the boob tube, because that’s where many zombies are…and be sure to sell your silver to support the war effort.
In other news, the US military squandered more than $610 million in late fees over the past decade by failing to return rented shipping containers used in Afghanistan on time, according to a data point buried at the bottom of a USA Today story, after the Sports page. The kicker? A hundred thousand NEW containers would cost just north of $500 million, LESS than the cost of the late fees just for renting them! But then again, what’s a few hundred million compared to the HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS wasted on the yet another war we should never have got into in the first place? Now, as we pull out all the tanks and equipment that should never have been sent there, the costs to remove our mistake is staggering. And what has been accomplished, really? Not much, according to one brave soldier who lost his legs in the fighting. (NOT Entertainment News has attempted to poll all the brave but naive soldiers in cemeteries about this, without luck.) What can we do? Not much, with all the good old boys who run the Pentagon thinking it’s still the 1960s. But how about we all call our local mayors and governors and ask them if they can use $110,000,000. Sure! Because that’s the figure wasted by the Pentagon in this one instance, just following THEIR OWN TWISTED ACCOUNTING RULES. . .
.
“Hello, is this Governor Whackamole?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Hi, my name is George Mitt Newtrich. I’d like to make a donation to the State to help fix some potholes and reopen a few dozen factories to put several thousand people back to work. I’d also like to open a charter school to teach math and science to kids who show an interest in that.”
“What, is this a joke? Kids don’t care about math or science. They all want to be singers and dancers and baseball stars.”
“Not firemen?”
“Hahahaha…and standup comics! Listen, what would the factories produce, anyway?”
“Some of the stuff being sold to America by China, Japan, and Korea.”
“Hahahaha…you can’t compete with those people! Not if you expect anything more than the minimum wage.”
“Well, cities are already going bankrupt and ordering their employees to work for the minimum, are they not? Aren’t several cities in your State next?”
“Maybe, but I can’t talk about it and get reelected. Are you nuts, or just rich? I’m leaning towards nuts because rich people don’t talk like this. They call me, asking me to support anti-tax legislation.”
“Actually, I’m broke. The money would come from the Pentagon. They have money to burn, haven’t you heard? They’re even financing several talent competitions. Contestants of America’s Most Braindead & Brandwashed will be judged by Dick Cheney, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, and Leon Panetta. Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein will host.”
“Really. Is this gonna be on Direct TV, or don’t they want to pay to carry it?”
“So you believe me?”
“Hold on. I’m trying to keep up with the Kardashians here. …Okay, shoot. What was that again?”
“I said, do you believe me?”
“Depends on if they’d donate to my campaign. If so, I don’t care if the money comes from Bigfoot flying over in a UFO. I’ll take it, bud. Just ask anybody in Washington.”
“What about potholes and factories and schools?”
“Who cares about that? Way I see it, it’s every man for himself in America, now.”
“Well, at least you’re honest in this one…particular…instance.”
“Damn right. Have I got your vote?”
“Not by a very, very, very long shot.”
THE ARTIST’s Shocking Alternate Ending
Instead of boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl, the ending of The Artist had an extra scene cut from the original: boy eats girl. When a zombie virus escapes Dr. Frankenstein’s lab, Valentin takes a forbidden snoot at an Oscar after-party, then French kisses Queen Elizabeth. Pandorum breaks loose as all the revelers play musical chairs to the dulcet tones of Twisted Sister. (Actually, the music isn’t heard, but the bride of Frankenstein and her Lycan sibling appear to be trying out for The Voice as a duet.) When the prime rib is gone, everyone tries flank steak a la Billy Crystal, much to the host’s chagrin. Uggie loses it too, and feasts on The Iron Lady’s midsection, which causes her to shout, “This dingo’s got my baby!” And when Peppy hides out in the lady’s room with Pippa, they are hunted down by autograph werewolves, who save prime cuts for Meryl as Julia Child, and (of course) Anthony Hopkins. (The preceding scene was written by J.J. Abrams, who once added vampires to Alias, an espionage show, and also produced the aptly named Lost.) BTW, remember the movie The Game, starring Michael Douglas? Don’t you wish they’d played that same game on banking CEOs prior to 2008? (Sans vampires, of course.)
Sample chapters HERE.
In the news recently over 300,000 abandoned homes were classified as “zombies” by the zombie banks, who failed to follow up on the foreclosed properties. Meanwhile, thanks to such shows as The Walking Dead and World War Z, otherwise sane, living people have become ever more obsessed with zombie plagues, or encountering zombies in the pot-holed streets. What’s real and what’s fake, these days? No one seems sure. Labron James is complaining basketball is turning into tackle football, while a new recruit to Penn State named “Zavd Issah” is being charged with using fake money to buy burgers at McDonalds. (We learn in “Fast Food Nation” that some of McDonalds food is fake, too…like their strawberry shakes, which have no strawberries and include corn syrup solids, guar gum, and dyglycerides.) In other news, not only is documentarian John Ziegler trying to exonerate Joe Paterno from the shadow of coverup that got him fired, but Jerry Sandusky himself is continuing to claim “I did nothing wrong.” Is Obama’s birth certificate fake, too? Many in the Republican party are claiming he’s a radical Islamic extremist as well. So…I suppose he killed Osama to cover this up? One thing is for certain: zombies are real, but none of them are dead yet. Unfortunately. What we suggest is that you prepare for the invasion of zombies into your neighborhood by retrofitting your house to repel them. And since we all know (but don’t understand) that zombies only eat living people (alive,) not dead fake food, put up the golden arches and a wide screen TV playing commercials for processed junk food. That’ll work, don’t ya think?
