Skyfall’s Shocking Spinoff

It’s the battle of the propaganda films, and this time it’s more than just one about the CIA testing secret Star Wars weapons over Russia. Now the Russian film bureau is planning a documentary to be titled SKYFALL, implicating both the U.S. intelligence agency and the MI6 in a plot to destroy Moscow and make it look like an asteroid hit. “They are taking a page out of Revelations in seeking a suitable asteroid to steer toward the Kremlin,” said Yuri Kazoltov, director of the Russian Space Agency. “In the meantime, they are testing the procedure with smaller rocks.” The documentary will be directed by Woody Allen’s estranged half brother Carlos Yackov. Titles cannot be copyrighted, but even if they could, the Politburo doesn’t care. “This movie better be nominated for an Oscar, or else,” added Kozoltov, cryptically. Rumors in Washington, circulated by double agents on the payroll of Cargill, suggest that the asteroid NASA is planning to aim is called “Wormwood.” It is 60 miles across, and would also take out much of Eastern Europe. “Which is okay with me,” says Dick Cheney in his upcoming book MY ACHY BREAKY HEART, “since most of those clowns haven’t bought into the Trilateralist Commission, and are just deadbeats anyway. They don’t buy as much Coke as the Mexicans or Colombians do from us, either.” The Pentagon, meanwhile, is producing their own underground documentary about Russia’s influence over weather patterns in the U.S., resulting in storms of unprecedented fury. Titled fARGO: Dallas, it will be a musical directed by the closeup fiend behind LES MISERABLES, and involve chase scenes across the midwest, floating cows, and Russian hit men who feed anyone suspiciously on their trail head-first into a portable wood chipper. Only the Russian film, though, will be heavily marketed in prime time in the Middle East, opposite ads for falafel burgers. The Kremlin’s next film will be a documentary about American infants being abused by dance contestants in gorilla suits. It will be marketed in China as a comedy, along with bootleg copies of the TV series 1ST AND TEN, featuring OJ Simpson as a football team manager looking to score points with his pretty blond boss while moonlighting as a high fashion glove model.

 

The new low tech rain gauge…since television gets it wrong most of the time…