Category Archives: Vampires
World War Z vs. Oblivion
The movie World War Z (due in June) will be one of the biggest movies of the year. Why? The advertising budget, the star (Brad Pitt), and the visuals and action. One ad that you watch on many of these trailers is “Ready for Love.” Are you ready? Pucker up for more of the same old thing. . . although no one can explain why zombies want to eat people so badly (not each other), what a zombie actually is (other than a Congressman or Senator), or why vampires and zombies never seem to die in the public’s “imagination” (if we can call it that.) A better option, in my humble opinion, is Oblivion, coming mid-April, and starring Tom Cruise. True, it’s based on a graphic novel and not a real one (as is WWZ), but at least the premise of the story hasn’t been done to death (only to arise from its grave and gnaw at our ankles once again.) Instead of a war against zombies and a zombie virus (gees, where have we heard that before?), it’s about a drone repairman on a devastated Earth, destroyed by an alien invasion 60 years prior, as the military attempts to extract vital resources. Morgan Freeman enlightens Jack (Cruise) on what turns out to be a twist in the politics at play. A flip of the Avatar model? We shall see. My only caveat is that it’s set in 2073, which is far too near in time (as usual, remember 2001: A Space Odyssey?) for the technology and storyline. At least the script wasn’t kicked around like a soccer ball by multiple writers up to the very end, with the ending in the hands of a former LOST writer (who also did Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Cloverfield.) Indeed, the script went to three writers in succession, each contributing, none fired, and so the final result was called by Universal, “one of the most beautiful scripts we’ve ever come across.” No reason to trust that statement either, but at least the guy who completed it won an Oscar for writing Little Miss Sunshine, also wrote the upcoming Catching Fire, and Star Wars: Episode VII (2015), and so you can be reasonably sure that no one who actually cleans toilets for a living had a part. (In short, if want to see a good movie, don’t follow the ads or the actors, follow the writers.) Having seen neither film yet, (obviously), I can’t judge the acting, the directing, etc. But I think you know which one I won’t be seeing. (Zzzzzzz.) What about you?
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Vampires Bid on Ronald Reagan’s Blood
Since a vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood has gone up for auction in the UK, according to Yahoo, many silent bidders are now vying for a taste. “There is something alluring about this offering,” said the vampire Lestat in an interview with the BBC, “even if it is only a trickle down sampled from the blood bank cellars of Reaganomics LLC.” The vintage is said to harbor the subtle delicacies of an aged California red, and is known to compliment the flavors of Texas beef, pork, or chicken. The ghouls of Wall Street are also hopeful of obtaining a sample in which to cultivate a virus that can be added to the NY municipal water system. The fact that the blood type is B Positive does not deter their aspirations, either. “The sweet aspect of the ichor may draw more flies than vinegar would,” claims political consultant Jeffrey U. Plasma, “to the seminars given by positive thinking gurus at the nation’s airport Hyatts. The flies, in turn, will infect the entire country’s gene pool.” Given this, is the vial vile? We won’t know for sure until the cork is popped.
Cat with Squirrel Gene Survives Fall from Plane
His name is “Dexter,” and he was conceived in a laboratory at the Burbank BioScience Institute, where the gene of a flying squirrel was spliced into his DNA. As a kitten, Dexter survived falls of 20 feet with ease, so scientists began raising the height of the experiments until it was discovered that the cat could survive the so-called “terminal velocity.” (That is, the fastest speed at which he’d fall.) So the height did not matter, meaning Dexter would survive being thrown from a plane. And that’s just what they did. “Dexter has an amazing ability to work the air flow, together with enhanced leg bone flexibility,” Dr. Minot Winthorp said. “The collagen level in his connective tissue is greater than the typical cat’s too, which was engineered using recombinant DNA techniques. We don’t know yet what the application is for this, but we did have a government grant to do these experiments, with enough left over to work on rats with bat genes, which we’ll announce tomorrow.” At this point the doctor paused, significantly. “We can make them stronger. Faster. Scarier. This is what the American people want, after all.” Accordingly, Dexter had a cameo in the movie World War Z, and appeared on Leno. The institute is also testing a patented cat food additive which may be presented on Shark Tank once grant money is exhausted. When asked what would happen if neighborhood strays and rats got into treated food, Dr. Winthorp only raised an eyebrow before exiting, stage left. In other news, a new vampire virus strain has been detected in Burbank, and is currently spreading. It is so similar to previous strains of zombie virus that we suspect a common link, and have traced the paper trail back to game show producer Mark Burnett.
Underworld Awakening: The BackStory
A bad girl in a mad world.
It’s a twist no one expected: the truth finally comes out. Agent Mulder would be so happy, were he ever alive. Because now we learn that the real battle is Vampires and Lycans (along with demons and aliens) versus the rest of us. Of course we here at NEN knew this all along. But with true (TV news) evil lurking in the hearts of men (and threatening to divert us), the mindless zombie movie producers had to come out of their closet to assault our senses once again with yet more pyrotechnics and surround sound. This new allegory about the 1% vs. the 99% hit the big screen, starring Kate Beckinsale as a CEO demon who just won’t die (and who we can’t kill because she was never alive either.) True, Kate is a sight to behold. But behold your own wallet as well, containing fewer and fewer pieces of green paper for which the minions of Hollywood, Bollywood, and Dollywood have clashed for decades. The truth is out there: that we need major changes soon or we’re all going to be dragged down to Hell. Can Lycans prevent us from seeing behind all the smoke and mirrors? And just what is a Lycan, anyway? Have anyone ever seen one? (Outside of an investment bank boardroom or bedroom, that is.) Will we continue to get fatter and dumber as the endless 3D battles planned in upcoming features play out on the big screen before U.S.? In real life, will we spend another $420 Billion on a new fighter jet we don’t really need, just to keep contractor lobbyists happy (and their Senators in vacation homes)? And what’s next on the sequel merry-go-round…or will the fossil-fueled engine running the cartoon carousel run out of fool? Here’s a suggestion: how about the clash of two basketball teams of walking dead, (part of the NCA or National Corpse Association.) Not only can’t the players run, but the only dribbling they can do involves slobber.
Definitions, LYCAN:
1) Lycans display a number of greatly enhanced physical attributes. They possess enhanced superhuman strength, reflexes, coordination, speed, agility, durability, endurance and regenerative abilities superior to that of most vampires while in their Lycan forms, and are able to crawl across walls with great ease and speed. Their bite releases the Lycan virus, which can aggressively overtake a normal human’s physiology, causing them to become a Lycan as well.
2) Politicians or insider trading icons inside the Beltway or beyond, who control how they are perceived by mere mortals. They have godlike powers of persuasion, with the superhuman ability to leapfrog accountability, oversight, or calls for term limits. Their endurance is matched by a GPS-like sense of where OWS protesters are rallying. Their moves may go viral on Youtube, but they are immune to criticism, and their own viruses are often surreptitiously added to the gr$$n tea served to Tea Partiers.
3) A can of worms (formerly reels of celluloid, now digital bytes of lies.) May include special features, including a blooper reel, Charlie Rose interview, and deleted scenes (left out due to lack of 3D blood spatter.)
