Category Archives: Televangelists
Dear Pat Boone
Thanks so much for the Will you sent, referencing your support for TBN’s mission to get older folks (eg. senile old farts) to sign over their estates in exchange for “a monthly check on the first of every month to supplement their Social Security.” Actually, before signing in blood on the dotted line, I have some questions. (Even though, granted, if you can’t trust Pat Boone, who can you trust?)
1) How much will my monthly check be, and are there any penalties or recourse for me should you default like the Federal Government will do after Social Security collapses due to the Pentagon’s spending that money to protect places like South Korea from enemies like North Korea AND business competitors like the United States?
2) How did you obtain my address, and what does the phrase “special friend” really mean to you? Is it like “Special Forces,” or more like the “special burgers” which fast food restaurants save to the side for anyone who complains about anything?
3) What exactly are these “expenses” that you talk about having? Having just Googled “Trinity Broadcasting,” I see that many of your televangelists are either under investigation or have overextended themselves by purchasing jets or new Mercedes 450SLs, along with beach houses in the Hamptons. Is this what you mean by being “in need?” (BTW, I’ve always wanted a kidney shaped pool like Copeland’s or Dollar’s, especially after I lost a kidney to another kind of mugger with a three inch blade.)
4) Do you know or care that this particular “special friend” has other expenses too, but has never had the actual brass balls to write to strangers asking that they assist me in paying my bills by implying that God might cause them to win the lottery if they do so?
5) You win the lottery every show, don’t you?
6) But how do you TBN people manage to sleep at night, asking poor widows for their lunch money while your kids are enrolled in private schools at thirty grand a year while your wives shop for the designer handbags and you hit golf balls at private country clubs? I know you say God doesn’t want His servants to be poor (or anything hellishly evil like that.) But, I mean, come on! Ever thought of flying coach to Aspen rather than in your own Cessna Citation? It would solve your “overhead” problems, seems to me. Although spamming anyone whose Aunt Agnes was bankrupted by supporting you is certainly more Social Networkish…
666) How do I, ah, like, invest in TBN?
Subject: We Need Your Help Desperately
Dear Mr. Truly,
Thank you for your inquiry. If you are writing with a prayer request or to order pastor Vic’s new DVD series MAKE EVERY DAY CHRISTMAS, please call the hotline number below. If you can make a donation of $20 or more, in any event, this would greatly be appreciated. If you would like the DVD sermons, the cost is $39.95 plus shipping and handling. If you have a vehicle or estate for donation to the ministry, stay on the line after placing your order and a prayer partner will assist you. May God bless you richly with untold bounty as your seed is sown, rooting itself in Paradise. –Pastor Vic Cashman (for Pat Boone)
Call Center: Hello, you’ve reached Vic International.
Chuck Upton: Don’t you mean Vic Cashman International Ministries, with offices in Seoul and Dubai?
CC: Yes, of course, sir. May we pray with you today?
CU: No, I’m calling to talk to Vic.
CC: I’m sorry?
CU: Cashman. Victor Cashman. Are you Indian or something? You sound Indian.
CC: Yes, I am from India, sir. And I’m sorry, but Mr. Cashman is not here.
CU: Where is here, exactly?
CC: I’m sorry?
CU: Where are you, right now, this very moment?
CC: (after a pause) In India, sir. Didn’t I just say this?
CU: No, you didn’t. TBN has outsourced their phone lines? It’s nice to see how they’re cutting overhead. Do you know if the company is going public anytime soon?
CC) Excuse me?
CU) Can I talk to Pat Boone?
CC) I’m sorry, sir, he’s not available either.
CU) What if I want to hire him for an infomercial?
Televangelist Joyce Meyer is next to be admitted to Augusta National due to her “influence and wealth,” according to a statement released today by the prestigious club. The award of a permanent locker and key to it is regarded as “equivalent to winning the Nobel Prize.” The only stipulation to being able to don a green shirt or skirt is to renounce all allegiance to other religions. So far Meyer has not responded to the announcement, which was made without first contacting her. Is the Prosperity Gospel a religion, or just a business? And what happens if you turn down such an award, made in the cult’s secret underground bunker by men who’ve excluded “women and other riff raff” for eighty years? Stay tuned.
NOBEL PRIZES FOR BOWLING AND RACING ANNOUNCED
In a move which may upstage the MVPs, Sportsman of the Year, or Wimbledon, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards: the rolling of heavy balls down lanes, and “rolling thunder” down oval tracks. These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson. “We’re number one!” Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm. Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by Uma Thurman and Sir Elton John, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries. “If there is continued demand for it,” Hanson declared, “maybe next year we’ll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Competitive Eating or Ferret Legging.” Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces (including several generals winning Piece Prizes), but in an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Wrestling icons. And yes, you WILL be able to try this at home soon.
“The western states are burning and the Bible Belt getting rain because of God’s blessings and curses,” says televangelist Klepto Dollar, who is based in Atlanta. He cites evidence in Revelations that the Rapture will occur on December 21, 2016. “In the meantime,” he says, “God rewards those who ask Him to do mighty things. So help Him by helping me.” Joel Osteen is making a similar plea, but being based in Texas, has left off any talk of apocalyptic weather statistics.
TELEVANGELIST: A Golden Globe or Oscar–worthy actor playing the role of Midas while sleeping with Judas. Like other sporting middlemen in the Jesus Business, the televangelist sells salvation tomorrow for a commission today, and suppresses the fact that Jesus lived on a donkey in the desert when not driving moneychangers out of temples with a whip.
Not ‘content’ with merely interrupting your attempt to get to actual content, Yahoo is discussing using hypnotism and Flash brain signals to capture your attention. When you now go to their site, various animated commercials obstruct your view of the links, playing out in front of you kinda like Direct TV’s animated previews, which come during critical scenes in movies. Even Yahoo Trends, those nonsensical ‘news’ items about various coke-snorting celebs, now have these commercial interruptions, in which a curtain fails over your attempt to read the screen, with yet another dose of corporate propaganda. So, essentially, before you get to read stuff you shouldn’t be interested in, you get hammered with stuff you shouldn’t buy. Yet there are still a small, reluctant minority of lemmings who wait through all this, rolling their eyes without getting the message. So the plan being discussed is to flash a series of short bright signals that will put you in a trance long enough to keep your eyes glued to the animations. These flashes will also affect your ability to think clearly, but of course that’s a secondary bonus not really necessary anymore, given the success of sound bite TV news reporting. What’s vital is to program people without their conscious knowledge, shielding them from the fact that they are essentially robots bent on self destruction. The only thing to work out now is the legal ramifications regarding epileptics going into seizures.
In other news, Rev. Garth Goldbar is the first televangelist to make the Forbes 500 richest Americans. Having achieved his goal, Goldbar is retiring from the ministry, giving his program God, Gold, and Guts the glory for his great success. “I beat you, Copeland!” Garth yelled from the stern of his departing 300 foot yacht, christened Divinely Mine. Joining Kenneth Copeland on the Miami dock, Rev. Creflo Dollar gave Garth the finger before that dynamic duo got back into their respective Rolls. Rev. Peter Popoff and Casino Jack Abramoff couldn’t make the sendoff, although they did join the flipoff (via iPhone) along with Madoff. Goldbar’s first stop is the Caymans to pick up some petty cash for what he is calling his “around the world kiss-off.” What makes other swindlers mad is that he intends to ask all his former supporters, one by one, to use whatever rent money they have left to, as he put it on his first call, “buy a Joel Osteen bobblehead doll for your 1978 AMC Pacer, fool.”
Rev. Peter Popoff wants you to buy his “miracle spring water” in a blatant ripoff scheme invoking God as his sidekick cash flow adviser. With his bid to prove once and for all the monumental stupidity of the typical cable subscriber, Popoff has won first prize on TOP RIPOFF, a game show featuring contestants whose names end in “off.” The goal is to fleece those viewers with the fewest brain cells left firing due to TV addiction, whether they watch CBN or ESPN. Says host Clyde Jurkoff, “While people are watching fictional cop shows and zombie movies, real Criminal Minds are at work creating soul-sucking programming and publications for the benefit of their post-apocalyptic pension plans.” Popoff’s show is being hailed by Prosperous AntiChrist Magazine as “must-see TV,” after focus groups of somnambulant QVC acolytes became hypnotized by the phrase, and instinctively reached for their purses and wallets with a mania bordering the auto-erotic.
Note: If you have been registered as an Official Offender by an arresting Officer, you too may be eligible for an Offshore account, with signing bonuses of otherwise off limits tickets to Off Off Broadway plays by Off-the-Cuffs Productions.