Carnival Cruise Crisis

Time out. Apparently no one liked my last post about zombies coming to your neighborhood, so I’ve taken it down. I’m tired of zombies anyway. Particularly those in Washington. Can zombies swim? Apparently not. The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was a no-show during his company’s accidents and failures at sea, which cost the taxpayer over a million on occasion via military towing (by the Coast Guard or the Navy.) That’s right, Carnival didn’t have to pay for the towing, nor do they pay much at all in taxes either, since they are registered in Panama. (How much in taxes do they pay? Just over one-half of ONE percent, or .6 %.) Other major corporations unrelated to cruising pay less taxes now than in the past as well. The average is 9%, while a decade ago it was 20%. Corporate salaries and bonuses are way up over past decades, while revenues to the government down. And of course they want to be bailed out when anything goes wrong, too. By you. The kicker? Corporate CEOs are amassing fortunes in offshore accounts, sheltered from the laws affecting your pocketbook. Not only this, but many Americans (Republicans especially) have given up on any sense of justice or right-and-wrong, and would love to be able to join the zombie money games. True, there is fraud in entitlements, but my question here is this: should we admire CEO Micky Arison, who, when his Concordia capsized in Italy, or when his “Triumph” was stranded and towed, was courtside at a Miami Heat basketball game (a team WHICH HE OWNS)? He’s the richest man in Florida, using a taxpayer funded stadium, and doesn’t see any of this as wrong, much less “a crisis.” Like Paterno, he’s legally innocent (thanks to a corrupt Congress.) But is he also an American hero? Should a solid gold statue be erected in his honor? And should we pay for that statue? Just asking, because that is exactly what we are doing. The super rich are more popular and doing better now than at any time in American history, but most people don’t care…”more power to them”…what is more important is what Lebron James and others are doing on the court. Or as the sports editor of Tucson Weekly said in a recent column, “nothing else matters but sports.” Oh really? You haven’t gotten your tax bill yet, Brian. I don’t mean the deferred one you’ve seen so far, I mean the one coming for you and your grandkids. War is a sport, too. We’ve been playing those games big time in the last decade as well, filling the record books with even more meaningless scores in the red. …Hey, maybe Brian should join another Brian (Warner) from CelebrityNetWorth.com and go to Afghanistan to count body bags instead of going ga-ga over people like Arison (Kim Kardashian only being worth a measly forty million.) Just a sugges— Oh, wait… Gees, I forgot! There’s a game on, isn’t there? Nevermind.   

Bonus screenplay (set on a cruise ship) is included in my new book, click on link to right (or on “About.”)

Philosophy of Super Rich Defined

PLUTOCRASISM— The philosophy that the richer you are, the more worthy of praise. Origin/Evolution: Pre-1865, during an era of legal ownership of slaves, such a philosophy was taken for granted, and did not need to be defined. Soon after, a man was defined by refined social position and holdings (land, houses, dress, butlers, number of cigars smoked, etc.) Later, with the emergence of hip hop, bling came into vogue as modesty was flushed in favor of revenge. The Republicans then fought back with larger yachts, art collections, Hamptons villas, exclusive clubs, radio talk shows, banking deregulation, Mexican pseudo-slaves. Finally, around the time of the expulsion of Pluto from the rank of planet, offshore Swiss and Caymans tax evasion revenge strategies came into play among all plutocrats as a means to crush the middle class and return America to only rich (overlords) and poor (black and white slaves.) In order to justify this strategy, a new monetary philosophy was taught by priests (CEOs) in Wall Street churches (investment banks) and circulated to the masses via television (eg. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, American Idol, The X Factor, The NFL Draft, and America’s Next Top Model Citizen.) The philosophy reduces guilt at doubling or tripling one’s wealth (while paying a lower tax rate than the working class) during a period characterized by homeless teachers carrying signs in parks. It not only affirms the slogans “survival of the fittest” and “might makes right,” but also provides self justification for blowing the horn of one’s Mercedes at lesser mortals driving the speed limit in their Honda Civics. In short, to plutocrats adopting this philosophy, laws and regulations are for fools which God Himsel$ has seen fit to punish by making poor, and so everyone not in their club should be grateful to be allowed to live at all.

The photo above is of a banker going to jail for what happened in 2008.

Bad Tip Banker Has More Tips

“Let’s eat, Larry”

We have obtained the memoirs of the wealthy banker who left a $1.33 tip on a $133 lunch at the True Food Kitchen in Newport Beach, with the tip “get a real job.”  In the upcoming GET YOURS he details more tips, but not for those who find themselves punching a time clock.  Rather, these are tips for other top 1% egos, (like Mitt Romney, who admitted “I have many great friends who own NASCAR teams.”)  What is a “real job”?  That’s one which pollutes the planet, makes the taxpayer pick up on the tab on cleanup, and allows for a tax exempt slush fund for investing bailout and bonus money in military contracts, blood diamonds, and offshore slave labor in the manufacture of tennis shoes, soda, and cigarettes.  In the book you will learn: 

 
1)  The proper grip for holding onto money. . . as well as the most popular flaunting techniques.  
2}  How to convincingly appear uncertain of your actual worth.
3} When the probability of a piece of toast landing butter-side-down is NOT proportionate to the cost of the carpet, but has more to do with the pile.
4}  How to use cigar smoke as intimidation and means to escape justice.
5)  The best tasers and pepper sprays on the market, made from platinum alloy with the personally engraved signature of either Russell Simmons or Donald Trump.
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GET YOURS begins with the following test:

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ARE YOU STILL PART OF THE 1%?
Do you spend sleepless nights wondering if you’ve slipped?  Are you wondering if you’re no longer the rich bastard you used to be?  Now, with this simple quiz, you can see exactly where you stand…  Rules?  There are no rules.  Take out a pen, a piece of paper, and a calculator.  Answer the statements below TRUE or FALSE as they relate to you.  Work quickly–don’t stop to think.  Ready?  …GO!
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1)  You own a library of Success and Personal Motivation books.

2)  You attend real estate seminars and lectures whenever possible, paying up to $300, and applauding the lecturer.

3)  You know what “truffles” are.

4)  You are familiar with the term “time card.”

5)  Your favorite TV show is on Fox.

6)  You read tabloid newspapers sold in supermarket lines.

7)  You never know who your friends are.

8)  You have a great sex life, and/or want children.

9)  You like to ask people what they do for a living.

10) You always dress elegantly, in style, in the finest clothes.

11) You complain when you don’t get exactly what you want.

12) You know how to juggle “charming” with “ruthless.”

13) You know where “Bora Bora” is.

14) You have never received a traffic or speeding ticket, just “warnings.”

15) “Money is not everything, it is the only thing.”

16) You use an automatic teller machine.

17) Most of your junk mail is for “financial services.”

18) You carry a briefcase.

19) You worry about money, then dream of having more.

20) You’re relatively happy.

21) U.P.S. brings you packages often.

22) You know several charity fund directors by their first names.

23) You have more than one lawyer or more than one accountant.

24) You have a country club membership in town.

25) You have an ego problem.

26) You know what “Easement” means.

27) “A million dollars is a lot of money.”

28) You’re thinking of writing your memoirs.

29) When you throw a party, you provide valet parking.

30) You watch Wheel of Fortune on TV.
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SCORING
       Now calculate your points, refering to the 30 questions…
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1) F, +1.  If you’ve WRITTEN such books, add 5 points for each book written.
2) F, +1.  If you GIVE such lectures, add 2 points for each lecture you’ve given which exceeded 100 in attendance.
3) T, +1.  If you eat this rare fungus more than once a week, give yourself an extra point.
4) F, +2.  If you STILL punch a time clock, deduct 10 points.
5) F, +1.  You SHOULD prefer the roaring fire in your Aspen cabin, or Neil Cavuto.
6) F, +1.  If, however, you read the tabloids to find something you can sue them for, add 2 points.
7) T, +1.  If you have NO real friends, +2 points.
8) F, +1.  To you, “mutual fun” translates “hedge fund.”
9) F, +1.  Rich Bastard wannabes admire privacy, and how someone makes a fortune is not as important as if they already have one.
10) F, +1.  If you can get away with wearing blue jeans to a formal dinner party, +4 points.
11) T, +1.  It follows that since you sometimes enjoy saying NO to people, you don’t like it when people say NO to you.
12) T, +2.  If you learned it from your rich parents, +10.
13) T, +0.  Add 3 points for every time you’ve visited this Tahitian island in the last 10 years.  (If you haven’t been out of the state in the last year, deduct 3 points)
14) T, +2.  Officers are reluctant to issue tickets to drivers of new Mercedes. {You may be their attending physician in the emergency room.}
15) T, +1.  You must believe in what you’re doing, and twisted logic or soothing madness helps.
16) F, +2.  If your personal banker gives you a surprise birthday party, give yourself an extra 5 points.
17) Disregard this answer. Most of EVERYONE’S mail is for financial or tax services.
18) F, +1.  Carrying a briefcase means you haven’t quite “made it” yet.  But if you’ve NEVER carried a briefcase, -1.
19) Disregard this answer. EVERYBODY worries about money, and dreams of having something left after taxes.  That’s why you’re taking this test.
20) T, +2.  Relatively speaking, laughing all the way to the bank is practiced more often by banking CEOs than by those worried about debit card fees.
21) T, +1.  If you’re rich, you probably like to shop via catalogs.  The stores at your local mall just don’t seem to have what you can afford.
22) T, +2.  And they probably have a complete profile on tax deduction-oriented people like you, too.
23) T, +2.  If they sometimes fly in by Lear jet at your request, add 5 points.
24) T, +1.  If the membership is for life, add 2 points.  If you hardly ever go there except when celebrities are present, give yourself another point.
25)  For the number of close personal advisors who tell you this, add 3 points for each.
26) T, +1. But if no one has any right (or “easement”) to trespass on your property to get to hiking trails, add 3 points more for each property.
27) F, +2.  Remember what Art Linkletter said:  “A million is no money anymore…”   
28) Disregard this answer.  Practically everyone, not just criminals, are writing their memoirs this very moment.
29) T, +1.  If undercover press try to crash your party, add 5 points.  If they succeed, add only 2 points.
30) F, +2.  If you still watch Wheel of Fortune just to ogle Vanna White, disregard this whole test and check into a nursing home.
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TOTAL YOUR POINT SCORE
Below 20=   Get real
20–30 points =  Contender
31–40 points =  Snobbish Dilettante
41–50 points =  You Bastard
51 +   points =  Tea Partiers want your autograph

Romney’s Billionaire Buddy Bad-Mouthed Biden

Transcript from a listening device smuggled into the home of billionaire hedge fund manager Gordon Gekko by his illegal Ecuadorian maid has finally been released.  The following conversation was taped by NEN when Gekko finally used his third conference room–next to the smoking den and opposite the bowling alley–where the bug was placed in a green banker’s lamp.  The other party is an unknown lobbyist fighting banking regulation.  Since the visitor has a Russian accent and also seems to be a KGB agent, we’ll call him Renkko.  Gekko does.
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Gekko:  So, Renkko, how much you need for the Watergate party tomorrow night?
Renkko:  Humm.  Well, let’s see.  Liquor, Knicks tickets, hookers, Iron Chef catering, Tiffany baskets…  Three hundred eighty grand should do it.
Gekko:  You going to the game too?
Renkko:  No, I’m off to Hawaii with the mistress.  You?
Gekko (laughing):  Only sport I care about is screwing the American taxpayer.
Renkko:  You’re an MVP in that game, for sure.
Gekko:  Only because everybody else has their eyes on the wrong balls!
Renkko:  Meanwhile, your big brass ones…
Gekko:  Gold.  
Renkko:  I stand corrected.  Did you hear what Biden said about you last week, though?
Gekko:  Who cares.  He’s a dweeb.  A pawn.  Don’t matter two tinker’s damns now who gets to be president.  The game’s over, and we won in the court of public opinion.  …We bought their opinions, and now it’s time to send them the bill!
Renkko:  Survival of the fittest?
Gekko:  No, survival of the shittiest.  The bigger the lie, the more they believe it.  Turn on the boob tube, wade into the muck, and kiss your ass goodbye.
Renkko:  They certainly maintain the illusion for us, don’t they?  American Idol, America’s Got Talent, The Voice, The X Factor, Survivor, Top Chef, Cake Boss, you name it.  Only the top one percent of the top one percent ever really score, but as Romney said, the rest are just jealous.
Gekko:  Not just jealous, they actually believe that we deserve to pay fewer taxes than they do.  Don’t matter how we got rich, really, just that we did.  That’s some advertising campaign, my friend.  They believe it so much they’re willing to sacrifice themselves, and the whole middle class to boot!
Renkko:  You got a laser parameter here, right?
Gekko:  Hey, I got the entire police department in my pocket.  Push one button and a SWAT team is here in three minutes.  Same guys who maced those Occupy Wall Streeters back in August when Biden was forced to raise the debt ceiling due to bailouts and bonuses.  (Laughs)
Renkko:  Americans are fools.
Gekko:  Not really.  We just fooled’em, is all.  It’s an ongoing process.  Did you know Coca-Cola is planning to spend an extra six hundred million to push their disease-inducing products on the rest of the world?  Add American bullets and American cigarettes to the mix, and what you have here is a war, comrade.
Renkko:  Which reminds me, they’ve broken ground on your house outside of Moscow.  Vasily is waiting for a call on the oil pipeline investment you two discussed.  I hear he’s been talking to a member of the Saudi royal family. . . same bin Laden contacts Bush once collaborated with, pre-nine eleven.
—

State of the Union: WAR BETWEEN RICH & POOR

American Revolution 2

It’s the rich vs. the poor, with violence at the door!  Americans love violence, guns, and ghouls.  A long tradition of burning the houses and blowing the heads off anyone who disagrees with you–which began with the first Civil War–is now about to find its sequel!  Who are the Lycans and who the Vampires?  Who cares!  Lop off the heads of all your enemies!  After all, Underworld Awakening is an ALLEGORY for Democrats vs. Republicans in our new upcoming battle for mastery!  With marchers on Wall Street carrying banners, as they did in the French Revolution, are you ready to join the fight?  Ready or not, choose your politically correct basic training class…
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If you make 0–$12,000 you should choose Lower Class
If you make $12,000–$49,999 you should choose Between a Rock & a Hard Place Class
If you make Megabucks you should choose Banker Class
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Class Oath
Before starting class you must take your class oath.
Place your hand over one of the following…
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Lower Class)   A government services directory, TV guide, and a lottery ticket
Middle Class)  Howard Spurwinkle’s “Why Species Go Extinct.”
Banker Class)   Standard & Poors directory or stack of Wall Street Journals
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Now be inducted by repeating your class oath while looking in a mirror…
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                Lower Class Oath
    “I do hereby promise to defend with a .22 Saturday Night Special the rights of the poor in America.  I promise to fight for justice to redress all past oppressions by everyone else.  I promise to use every means at my disposal to make America fair and equal by ending all disparity and greed through taxation.  Finally, I believe that nothing else matters, and that my life will eventually find its meaning in sweet, sweet revenge.”
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                Middle Class Oath
    “I do hereby promise to defend with a combat shotgun the rights of the underemployed worker in America.  I promise to fight to protect our borders and my inalienable right to Direct TV access at popular prices.  I promise to use every means at my disposal to prevent the opposition from flanking me and burning me out of my foreclosed home.  Finally, I believe that nothing else matters, and that my life can find its meaning by…oh God, I’m doomed, ain’t I?”
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                Banker Class Oath
    “I do hereby promise to defend with a flame thrower the rights of the investor in America.  I promise to fight for freedom and the right to exploit the stupid and unprepared, which is the American Way.  I promise to use every means at my disposal to minimize the effect of punitive tax laws on my lifestyle, and to punish whistleblowers.  Finally, I believe that nothing else matters, and that my life will continue to find its meaning in the phrase ‘living well is the best revenge!’”
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 Class Dress
Have you remembered to dress appropriately?

LC}    Shredded blue jeans, 1% VS. 99% tee shirt.

MC}   Golf shorts, John Deere tee shirt, N.R.A. cap

UC}    Armani slacks, polo shirt, tattoo of Lloyd Blankfein.
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                      Class Motto
Just to be sure, repeat after me…

LC:    “Restitution by redistribution.”

MC:   “Justification by perspiration.”

UC:    “Salvation by reorganization.”
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Class Salutes

LC Salute:  Three fingers, with outer fingers curled

MC Salute:  Both arms lifted

UC Salute:  Two fingers, spread and lifted
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Class Diets

Lower Class Diet
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Breakfast:
Grits
Toast
Powdered Milk
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Lunch:
Spam
Slice of government cheese
Coke
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Dinner:
Alpo or Mighty Dog
Pork & Beans
Pepsi or Keystone beer
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Middle Class Diet
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Breakfast:
Orange Juice (from Concentrate)
4 Egg Omelet
Bagel with Cream Cheese
Starbucks Coffee
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Lunch:
Pickle
Fat Burger with fries
48 oz. Soda
Sugar-free Dinner Mint
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Dinner:
Bud or Miller
Pepperoni Pizza
Tossed Salad w/low fat dressing
Quart of Ben & Jerry’s
Government issue cyanide tablet
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Bankers Diet
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Breakfast:
Orange Juice (Fresh Squeezed)
Croissant
German Sausage Coquettes
Espresso with mint sprig
Belgian Waffles & Cream
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Lunch:
Chicken Wings Filipino
Tuscan Veal with Pine Nuts
Chateau Lafite 1958
Amaretto Custard Cake
Cappuccino with chocolate garnish
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Dinner:
Butternut Squash Soup
Roast Rack of Lamb Tiffany
Noisettes of Red Deer w/orange rosemary sauce
Medallions de Trois Viandes aux Trois Poivron
Poitrines de Volaille a’ L’Ail Doux
Mouton Rothschild 1938
Grand Marnier Cheese Cake
Fresh Mango Sherbert w/Coulis of Raspberries
Chocolate Mint Bombe
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Speeches
Are you ready to go postal?
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    Commandant Obama    
    “My dear Lower Class grads, now that you have inducted into this honorable cul de sac, do not think that your government will ever abandon you.  Rest assured that we will never allow any rich bitch or bastard to get away with oppressing you or denigrating your fate.  If all goes well, it is our firm hope that once we have the numbers, peace and harmony will have reined in America.  Until then, take up your cross(bow) with us, and be like Robin Hood as you defend your rights to a monthly check!”
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            General Lipton            
    “My respectful Middle Class grads, I don’t know what to say, other than that I hope you enjoy the Superbowl.  The opposition teams are many, but you must never surrender your loyalty to ESPN by laying around watching the Home Shopping Network.  Let disgust be your motivator against the losers and users.  Never apologize for bloated feelings that make you want to puke.  Remember what the Bible said about war being honorable, and know that God still believes in the American Dream, even if our politicians don’t.”
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    Rear Admiral Limbaugh            
    “My dear Upper Class grads, congratulations on your arrival.  You’ve finally ‘made it.’  Now you must learn the proper grip for holding on, along with the most popular flaunting techniques.  Remember–with luck and skill you’ve earned it, or rather your hedge fund manager has.  Therefore you deserve it.  Never let down your guard whenever anyone mentions taxes.  Know that the lower class hates you, the remaining middle class envies you but will be gone soon, and Democrat politicians want to punish your achievements or whittle down your inheritance.  So protect what you have by greasing the right palms, and threatening to close up shop.  Finally, since this great experiment in democracy and free enterprise is coming to an end here, invest your money wisely overseas.  Plan to move to New Zealand if retreat is necessary, and in the meantime shoot any IRS agents who cross your property line.  The fight has just begun!”              
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{Note:  For instructions on how to purchase an AK-47, consult any grade school child.}

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.