Category Archives: Science
That’s right, the moon is destined to become a giant billboard in the sky. So look elsewhere for inspiration or romance. Who is behind this? The exclusive and shocking details are revealed in the video below…
The body of union boss Jimmy Hoffa, missing since 1975, has been found after an exhaustive search by the FBI costing taxpayers $69 million dollars. Apparently Hoffa had taken a boat ride with three mafia enforcers, and as in the Sopranos scene when Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero got taken out by Tony, Pauli and Patsy, he was shot 18 times in the chest for whispering sweet nothings to the Feds (in this case, something about “the grassy knoll.”) The three hour boat tour then strayed out of Jersey into the Bermuda Triangle, and fate took it to Greenland from there. John Stossel is set to take up the case as soon as he finishes with the boondoggle known as the Mars Mission, first proposed by Bush, and set to cost taxpayers upwards of a Trillion dollars—and all to plant an American flag on the barren world (sponsored by Directv, ESPN, and Coca-Cola.) Stossel’s take on this? “Wow, there’s so much waste everywhere I can’t freaking cover it all! I’ll get to it, okay? Give me a break!” When we asked him about Mars, he said, “As Time magazine put it, going to Mars is ridiculous since money will have to be cut from other NASA projects to do it…stuff that’s actually producing real science, like probes and space telescopes, or working on better propulsion systems. Not to mention health research, education, and filling potholes in the economy the size of Rhode Island!” We at NEN agree, but for the record have found one reason in favor of the Kardashians going to Mars: to discover how the Martians managed to reverse their population boom, and what they did with all those plastic bottles.
Coke Formula Exposed!
The formula for Coke has been hacked by the Chinese, and they have sent the ingredients to WikiLeaks. Appears that there is no trace of cocaine in the formula anymore, presumably because cocaine is so expensive. The most astonishing fact about the formula is what it DOESN’T contain. Not only is there no sugar, (since that’s too expensive, and has been replaced by the addictive high fructose corn syrup, a cheaper manmade product that can lead to diabetes,) but there is no happiness either! That’s right: happiness is not part of this product, although it’s advertised as being the main product, with slogans like “Open Happiness.” For the full formula, go here.
In other news, celebrities gathered aboard the Celebrity Century to witness a rare South Pacific meteor shower consisting of debris from the Sandusky Comet. No one survived. The ship’s black box was recovered from 5400 feet by robot submersible. Luckily, the sports, music and film stars who perished were all C and D List. Celebrity Cruises reports that everyone who is anyone are still safe, and offers condolences to “those who is not.”
Interviews from a Parallel Universe
William F. Buckley, Jr.: “Welcome to Firing Line, astronomer Carl Sagan, televangelist Creflo Dollar, and rapper 50 Cent.”
Sagan: “Nice to see you again, Bill.”
Buckley: “Speaking of philosophy for a moment, if we may, as a hypothetical would any of you have, let us posit, intellectual quandaries related to inviting anyone here to, say, a cocktail party to discuss such a subject?”
Sagan: “I have no problem, Bill, but I imagine you’d be the only one to show up.”
50: “Oh yeah, and why is that?”
Sagan: “Would you like to come over and discuss Karl Popper with me, Mr. Cent?”
50: “You poppin’ for the gourmet popcorn? Sure. You be nice I’ll pop over. Might not pop ya, either, pop… You up for that, preacher?”
Dollar: “No comment.”
50: “Oh, come on! Give these clowns an Amen. Go with the flow, Creflo!”
Sagan: “His philosophy is Justificationism, the belief that knowledge is only derived from authority. Yours is Relativism, the belief that statements cannot be objectively true or false, but that they can be judged only relative to some cultural or arbitrary standard.”
50: “Huh? How da you know what I believe, fool?”
Sagan: “I’m a Rational Realist. I believe the universe exists objectively, independent of human observation, and that knowledge evolves from creating better explanations for phenomena.”
Buckley: “Moving on to origins, would you concede that postmodern logical positivism has the same degree of bearing on, let us say, the acceptance of Big Bang theory that religious fundamentalism has had in the past hundred years?”
50: “Hey, wait a ©#kin’ minute here!”
Sagan: “Wittgenstein aside, if one chooses to reject all theories not based on direct observation, one comes up against the very scientific method that one denigrates, since logical positivism is itself a theory of philosophy which cannot be verified by observation. If, for example, you’re going to say that reality isn’t real and can’t be known, just so you can’t be criticized, well, you’re in the same camp, aren’t you, as those who reject evidence based on a literal interpretation of allegory? Reverend Dollar, wouldn’t you…wouldn’t you at least concede the idea that the Big Bang sounds like an act of God, since that very instant of creation can’t be explained by science, while your clinging to your belief of the Earth being only six thousand years old goes against multiple lines of evidence so entangled and overlapping that it’s akin to knowing within an hour when the sun will come up tomorrow?”
Dollar: “No comment.”
50: “Yeah? Well, I got a comment. Firing line? Ignore me like that again and you racists snobs all gonna see some big bangs up close and personal! Who the hell ya think you are anyway, honkey?”
Sagan: “Just a human being.”
Buckley: “By which you mean, anthropocentrically speaking, of course…”
Sagan: “The law of mediocrity, yes. Humans are not important or particularly special within the framework of universal physics or the vast reach of time and space. So ego is just ephemeral and self deluding by nature. Imagine another being…another intelligence on another world a billion light years away and a billion years in the future…imagine this creature staring through a telescope at the Milky Way’s spiral arm and wondering if life exists in the vicinity of a smudge of tiny dots, one invisible one of which is circled by Earth and us this very moment. Would such an entity be justified in feeling unique or superior to even a fellow on its own world, especially one whose genetic makeup it shares by over nine hundred ninety-nine parts in a thousand? Would such a race have any chance of survival into that future if offense was taken at every opportunity, and war declared whenever egos were bruised?”
Dollar: “No comment.”
50: “Holy ∆˚πƒ¥©#@t. You fools talkin’ billions is outta my league so far. I do ya fifty million, though.”
Dollar: “No comment.”
Buckley: “Moving on to cultural memes, do you think progress is also slowed by the suppression of new ideas in alien races programmed to follow trends in, can we surmise, knee jerk fashion?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: “Sorry I’m late. Hi, Carl. To answer your question, it depends on if they have knees! Seriously, we can only talk philosophically here, but there’s no reason to suppose the same ignorance of the proper development of good explanatory theory doesn’t apply. Aliens might have similar fallacies of logic and preconceived modalities of solving problems influenced by myths and legends. When presented with new theories, they might cling to Instrumentalism, or the mistaken belief that science can’t describe reality outside of subjective points of reference. Fads come and go, but cultural memes can stay with societies for generations, influencing people without their conscious knowledge just like in the Dark Ages, and so, like with fundamental physics, there’s no reason to suppose that aliens are any–”
50: “I’m outta here. You comin,’ Cre–”
Buckley: “Dollar’s already gone.”
FAME: A super power granted lucky and well connected people enabling them to waste everyone’s time, not just their own.
NEWS FLASH: We interrupt this nonsense with more important news about sports. Neanderthals Still Alive! Human species thought to have gone extinct are actually still alive and kicking. . . footballs. That’s right: NFL teams are comprised of the descendants of Neanderthals, who possess the Eat or Be Eaten “sporting” gene. (Note: originally, being a “good sport” meant “tastes good.”) According to Dr. Neils Zahorsky of Cal Tech, only those schools without winning sports teams have homo sapien ancestors. (Cal Tech basketball lost 310 games in a row, and so was penalized by the NCAA for “academic infractions,” including 32 Nobel Prizes.) Everyone else descends from the newly discovered Nikeinus, who made up the Neanderthal fan base for various knuckle-dragging skull bowling competitions, using the heads of homo sapiens. . . whose bodies were roasted in prehistoric tailgate parties (thrown in the trunks of open flying saucers, silverware provided by Ancient Astronuts.) “The DNA and NCAA evidence doesn’t lie, although your biology textbooks do,” says Dr. Zahorsky, adding, “It is vitally important that these new findings be updated so that students will be unable to sell their old textbooks next year, and so that those who use computers in class will be forced to upgrade.” In business parlance, as in other Neanderthal-dominated blood sports (such as war), it is necessary to crush the competition in a balls-to-the-wall display of egoic delusion so crippling and overwhelming in terms of “shock and awe” that it never reaches a nuking sudden death overtime (ie. lose/lose rather than win/lose.) Thals did this by following their playbook (written in stone) as Nikeinus watched and munched on the junk DNA of those pacifist, vegetarian “win-win” nerds who deserved to be eaten alive on occasion.
“The general bias to consider oneself superior to others is obviously congenial to waging war, and there has been precious little study of self deception in sports, (but) it would be interesting to have data from sports.” —Dr. Robert Trivers, professor of anthropology and biological sciences at Rutgers, quoted in THE FOLLY OF FOOLS
A curious Curiosity rolled close to a small crater today near the Laurentian Mountains, and took the enigmatic photo above, which includes a toxic waste dump and the mummified remains of an alien. One of the plastic bottles left behind by the dead Naya civilization appears to still contain water. Now that we know the fate of aliens who were ironically just like our carbon-based Bigfeet, will we change our own ways? Stay tuned.
NASA– An institution facing funding cutbacks in its quest to clean up the toxic waste on Mars, particularly all the plastic bottles.