Category Archives: Religion
Joel Osteen has recently suffered the devastating loss of his $40 million fortune after the failure of his investment in the time share company Times Three. Explains reporter Ryback Solomon, “While invoking the Trinity has blasphemous overtones for many outside Osteen’s inner Lakewood stadium, the Trio in question here are actually the architectural firm of Dewey, Louie, and Phooey, whose castles in the sky grace the horizon of Dubai, among other places. The value of Joel’s holdings in the company plummeted when one of their major projects was hit by a military drone that brought much of it down. The company’s Swann Tower is covered for insurance by missile attack—as well as other acts of God—but not by the actual drone crashing into it, as in this case. Since the drone was not controlled by the U.S. military, having been captured by Iran over a year prior, and fitted with plastic explosive, there is no one to sue, either. The camel jockeys who controlled the drone have fled like thieves in the night, mission accomplished. Bottom line? Time’s up for Times Three.” Osteen is rumored to have owned a condo in the Swann on the same floor as Creflo Dollar’s and Benny Hinn’s…although, of the three, those last two were not investors (and keep the bulk of their holdings—$27 mill and $42 mill respectively—in numbered Swiss and Caymans accounts to avoid taxes.) Stay tuned for further developments, but not at the Drudge Report, since they often get it wrong (along with CNN, CBN, and Yahoo!)
Scientologists have offered to invade North Korea and turn Kim Jong-Un’s focus from bombing America toward bombing the Pyrenees, where Xenu is said to reside. Says reporter Ryback Solomon, “In exchange for the President Obama’s rolodex and an executive order permitting legal entrance to any residence in the United States for one year by David Miscavige, the Church of Scientology has promised to turn the beloved leader from his current obsession to a more important one…that of destroying certain entities spared from the volcano bombs reported by L. Ron Hubbard seventy-five million years ago.” Apparently, the CIA’s hiring of Dennis Rodman to turn Kim onto the cult of basketball has failed, since Rodman is now working for The Donald. And with so many golf courses being maintained for Pentagon generals, the U.S. military machine can’t afford many more of its own cult-like military maneuvers within binocular range of the Mad Man/Boy. The attack will be cyber at first, as a promotion for Dianetics, followed by a leaflet drop via stealth bomber. NEN has obtained one of the proposed leaflets, displayed below. The church hopes that linking Xenu with Kim will, if nothing else, kill the story of Xenu once and for all so that Scientologists can get back to raising money. “They know a lot about psychiatry, and so are experts at this,” says Solomon, adding, “we should give them a chance, since all the news media are reporting that military ‘intelligence’ has no idea what to do.”
Dear Pat Boone
Thanks so much for the Will you sent, referencing your support for TBN’s mission to get older folks (eg. senile old farts) to sign over their estates in exchange for “a monthly check on the first of every month to supplement their Social Security.” Actually, before signing in blood on the dotted line, I have some questions. (Even though, granted, if you can’t trust Pat Boone, who can you trust?)
1) How much will my monthly check be, and are there any penalties or recourse for me should you default like the Federal Government will do after Social Security collapses due to the Pentagon’s spending that money to protect places like South Korea from enemies like North Korea AND business competitors like the United States?
2) How did you obtain my address, and what does the phrase “special friend” really mean to you? Is it like “Special Forces,” or more like the “special burgers” which fast food restaurants save to the side for anyone who complains about anything?
3) What exactly are these “expenses” that you talk about having? Having just Googled “Trinity Broadcasting,” I see that many of your televangelists are either under investigation or have overextended themselves by purchasing jets or new Mercedes 450SLs, along with beach houses in the Hamptons. Is this what you mean by being “in need?” (BTW, I’ve always wanted a kidney shaped pool like Copeland’s or Dollar’s, especially after I lost a kidney to another kind of mugger with a three inch blade.)
4) Do you know or care that this particular “special friend” has other expenses too, but has never had the actual brass balls to write to strangers asking that they assist me in paying my bills by implying that God might cause them to win the lottery if they do so?
5) You win the lottery every show, don’t you?
6) But how do you TBN people manage to sleep at night, asking poor widows for their lunch money while your kids are enrolled in private schools at thirty grand a year while your wives shop for the designer handbags and you hit golf balls at private country clubs? I know you say God doesn’t want His servants to be poor (or anything hellishly evil like that.) But, I mean, come on! Ever thought of flying coach to Aspen rather than in your own Cessna Citation? It would solve your “overhead” problems, seems to me. Although spamming anyone whose Aunt Agnes was bankrupted by supporting you is certainly more Social Networkish…
666) How do I, ah, like, invest in TBN?
Subject: We Need Your Help Desperately
Dear Mr. Truly,
Thank you for your inquiry. If you are writing with a prayer request or to order pastor Vic’s new DVD series MAKE EVERY DAY CHRISTMAS, please call the hotline number below. If you can make a donation of $20 or more, in any event, this would greatly be appreciated. If you would like the DVD sermons, the cost is $39.95 plus shipping and handling. If you have a vehicle or estate for donation to the ministry, stay on the line after placing your order and a prayer partner will assist you. May God bless you richly with untold bounty as your seed is sown, rooting itself in Paradise. –Pastor Vic Cashman (for Pat Boone)
Call Center: Hello, you’ve reached Vic International.
Chuck Upton: Don’t you mean Vic Cashman International Ministries, with offices in Seoul and Dubai?
CC: Yes, of course, sir. May we pray with you today?
CU: No, I’m calling to talk to Vic.
CC: I’m sorry?
CU: Cashman. Victor Cashman. Are you Indian or something? You sound Indian.
CC: Yes, I am from India, sir. And I’m sorry, but Mr. Cashman is not here.
CU: Where is here, exactly?
CC: I’m sorry?
CU: Where are you, right now, this very moment?
CC: (after a pause) In India, sir. Didn’t I just say this?
CU: No, you didn’t. TBN has outsourced their phone lines? It’s nice to see how they’re cutting overhead. Do you know if the company is going public anytime soon?
CC) Excuse me?
CU) Can I talk to Pat Boone?
CC) I’m sorry, sir, he’s not available either.
CU) What if I want to hire him for an infomercial?
In revenge for perceived mockery of the Koran by several underground Hollywood celebrity wannabes, several underground Al Jazeera reality show wannabes in Egypt have changed verses in the Bible:
“In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was struck by meteors for four billion years before things finally settled down and the ancestors of Kim Kardashian could appear.” Gen. 1:1
“And God made Man like a branch from the tree of life, his individual atoms comprised of tiny vibrating strings that hum God’s melody along all eleven curled up dimensions.” Gen. 1:2
“Henceforth let it known that thou shalt have no other gods before Me, particularly the Cake Boss and those Master Chefs on the Food Porn Network.” Acts 9:42
“And all tax cheats were turned into hell, particularly snobs, bailed-out bonus-heavy fat cat bankers, special interest lobbyists, and televangelists.” Rev. 14:11
In other news, pop judges have gathered once more for the ritual crowning of new pop stars who worship pop and drink soda pop, which they are told is popular among those who want to be popular. First, though, there are the auditions, where those with no chance to be popular are told so by the pop judges (drinking pop as part of a popular product placement campaign instituted by pop manufacturers):
”A crimson reticulate melds circumstance with affable malaise as Roderick positions equinoxes into interstadial events like polar supply chains.”
”What the hell was that?” demanded Simon Cowell of his first American Idol aspirant.
”Nothing. I just wanted to utter a sentence so original that it will never be repeated again in the history of television.”
”Aren’t you going to say something witty about my song choice?”
”Okay, well let me help. ‘My glabrous thought veins skein into my narcosis like chiasma crossing filaments of joy toward an exuberant effluvium.’”
”Can you say, ‘I’m insane?’”
”Can you say, ‘I’m boring?’”
Ten Commandments (which predate those mentioned in the Bible) have been discovered etched into a massive stone tablet left on an island in the Pacific. The island, named Cambria, also contains several bizarre, possibly extinct species of Raptor. Scientists are converging on the site to set up experiments to determine whether these are living dinosaurs, how they may have survived nearby nuclear bomb tests in the 1940s, and if Ancient Astronauts could have left the 6000 ton stone, (or if God Himself left it 6000 years ago when the Earth was created.) Finally, what are these commandments, and do they point to the end of everything on December 12, 2021? No matter what you believe you have to agree that the upcoming match-up between the Chargers and the Raiders is going to be great. And did you hear that the Bears beat the Colts a whopping 41 to 21? Of course you did. Back after this message from Tide. Got a blood stain you need washed? Count on Tide to erase all evidence of foul play!