Scientology to Invade North Korea

Scientologists have offered to invade North Korea and turn Kim Jong-Un’s focus from bombing America toward bombing the Pyrenees, where Xenu is said to reside. Says reporter Ryback Solomon, “In exchange for the President Obama’s rolodex and an executive order permitting legal entrance to any residence in the United States for one year by David Miscavige, the Church of Scientology has promised to turn the beloved leader from his current obsession to a more important one…that of destroying certain entities spared from the volcano bombs reported by L. Ron Hubbard seventy-five million years ago.” Apparently, the CIA’s hiring of Dennis Rodman to turn Kim onto the cult of basketball has failed, since Rodman is now working for The Donald. And with so many golf courses being maintained for Pentagon generals, the U.S. military machine can’t afford many more of its own cult-like military maneuvers within binocular range of the Mad Man/Boy. The attack will be cyber at first, as a promotion for Dianetics, followed by a leaflet drop via stealth bomber. NEN has obtained one of the proposed leaflets, displayed below. The church hopes that linking Xenu with Kim will, if nothing else, kill the story of Xenu once and for all so that Scientologists can get back to raising money. “They know a lot about psychiatry, and so are experts at this,” says Solomon, adding, “we should give them a chance, since all the news media are reporting that military ‘intelligence’ has no idea what to do.”

English edition

Uneducated Young Males Greatest Threat to Society

Macho goldfish

The following are Cliff’s Cliff’s notes on a book you may not have time to read (due to your addiction to TV.)  Cliff Jr. is Cliff’s Sr.’s son, a young punk who told his father to summarize his notebooks so he can get back to internet porn and Halo 3.  Today’s edition is HOW THE BRAIN WORKS by Dr. Steven Pinker. Conclusions drawn from the book:
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1) Uneducated young males are the greatest threat to society.  Non-college educated young males have not realized they have another choice than to go along with their various genetic instincts to reproduce at the expense of others.  (Education teaches that man can thwart the primitive brain’s urge to rape, pillage, and murder.)  You are 26 times more likely to be killed by a young uneducated male than by an educated male or by a woman of any age.  Why?  Read on, (if your attention span has not already expired.)
2)  Women have a finite number of eggs, and their biological urge is to guard and protect them.  So their dominate attribute is one of CHOICE.  While women generally choose rich, successful macho men (for protection), for the male the dominate attribute is to COMPETE.  One strategy is to eliminate the competition symbolically (in sports) or physically (fighting), displaying bling to show they have money to burn (and thereby attracting the most females, which they then impregnate, get bored with, slap around, and leave.)
3)  While uneducated women repeatedly fall victim to arrogant rich men whose goal is not to settle down but to spread their seed as far and wide as possible, educated women, by contrast, know that a Prius-driving geek is a better choice than that James Bond type in a Porsche, who plays musical beds and collects STDs like trading cards.
Conclusion:  we all have within us mindless genetic programs, whose goal is to pass down junk DNA to the next generation. Each of us, however, can choose to say this to our genes: “go to hell.” Our genes are not “us,” they are just encoded programs on strands of DNA.  That’s all they are!  Genes do not care about YOU at all.  YOU are meaningless to your genes, which is why, once you have outlived your usefulness, they shut down and watch you die.  Is this not liberating?  It means that it is possible to NOT paint your face for a human wave ball game, to NOT die in bloody “glorious” battle, to NOT get married and have 2.3 kids like your not-so-subtly denigrating former college roommate, to NOT feel guilt and shame for not meeting the standards set by all the ignorant mindless zombie/lemmings who poke fun at you for being different.  Wasn’t Steve Jobs different?  Einstein?  Gandhi?  Isn’t Madonna?  Lady Gaga?  …Feel better?  Probably not.  This is just a summary of the book, after all.  To get the full hit, order the audiobook here.

How Insane People Think

Insane people are everywhere.  Your neighbor could be insane.  One in 25 of us is sociopathic, hence the book “The Sociopath Next Door.”  Borrow a cup of Sucralose and that nice guy driving a Prius could eat your liver with a side order of onions rings.  Not that he would, just that he could.  And sleep like a baby.  Puts a whole new meaning on the phrase “blind date.”  50% of politicians are insane, of course.  Movie and music moguls.  Sports icons.  Deli butchers.  You really need to watch yourself, these days.  I mean really.  Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you continue to smoke or go to basketball games.  Is there a more sinister reason than that you don’t believe the Surgeon General or that 60 Minutes report about March Madness?  And what about Mark Cuban?  You know he’s insane.  He’s worth over a billion dollars, and what’s he do besides smoking Cuban cigars in skyboxes?  You guessed it.  He goes on Shark Tank to see if he can make a buck off someone with an idea for a better toilet tissue dispenser.  Sounds reasonable until you consider that he could be sailing the world in a private yacht, or at least fixing the suicidal traffic situation on Dallas freeways for all the insane Prius drivers roaring around.  Where’s the logic?  Well, logic is “relative” to someone who’s “nuts.”  And the insane can always justify what they do with a nice, juicy rationalization, too.  (Just ask The Juice, ie. O.J..)  Truth is, once you twist logic on its head, you could become like Hitler, Lloyd Blankfein, Kanye West, or anyone.       

     

Syllogism {n.}  Two premises and a conclusion.
    The Founding Fathers were fallible men, and made mistakes.  Even Dan Quayle once couldn’t spell “Potato.”  Therefore, Washington and Jefferson don’t belong in textbooks any more than Mr. Potatohead (Danny boy. . . the sheeps, the sheeps be calllllllinnnnn….).
 
    People who believed the earth was flat also believed God was watching.  The earth is not flat, but round.  Therefore God won’t see me flatten your head.

    All people have equal rights.  Prisoners are people.  Therefore, prisoners should be provided with cell phones, computers, and Madoff designed 18 hole golf courses with a Jason’s deli and Starbucks in the clubhouse.

    Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.  I’m planning to get married in June.  Therefore, it’s okay to live a little and meet Bambi at Motel 6.
    
    To be or not to be, that is the question.  But the suicide hotline just put me on hold.  Therefore, the answer is:  “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

     That clerk just told me “Have a nice day.”  But the day is long gone—it’s the dead of night.  Therefore, right is wrong, and wrong is right.