First Cagefighting Event on Capitol Hill a Success!

Representatives from Red States squared off against Blue States today as The National Cagefighting Federation took over the Capitol building (with Congress gone on another “well deserved” vacation after their Celebrity Roast.) Clearing out the “arena” proved to be more difficult than the “no-brainer” of renting out Washington monuments, since many of the chairs had decades of encrusted bubble gum nodules cementing them to the Coke-stained floor. Once the ring was ready, though, the Rock was ready to face Conan the Barbarian, with fans from the families of Honey Boo Boo, the Kardashians, and Duck Dynasty in attendance…along with members of the Krips and Bloods (and Kanye West.) Arnold (as the Terminator) then read the new rules to facing terror in the future (especially post 2045, when everyone must become a robot to survive bomb blasts, pollution, and rising health care costs.) The Rock wants to keep the arena active for when Congressmen return, since, as he reasons, “no pain, no gain.”

Congress Approves Golf Course Budget

Having approved a temporary extension of sequester funds for air traffic controllers, Congress today also approved grounds maintenance for federal golf courses so that not only could they get to the tee without delay for their recess, but those courses will be freshly cut when they get there! Reports Ryback Solomon, “Greens fees will, of course, be added to the deficit so that these hard-working men and women can enjoy a vacation from their strenuous duties on the Hill, and with drinks on the House.” Are Tee Partiers drinking on the plane? You bet.  Note: The Pentagon has over 1000 Generals and Admirals (ie. “good old boys”), and runs a staggering 234 golf courses around the world for them and their families and political friends, at a cost that is undisclosed. One stunning 7,000-plus yard layout shares the same foothills terrain as does the legendary Broadmoor, just 20 minutes to the south in Colorado Springs. Ponderosa pines, pinon and juniper line the fairways with rolling mounds, ponds and almost tame deer and wild turkey.” (The Department of Defense did come under fire a number of decades ago when it was discovered that the toilet seats at this course cost $400 a pop.) For those Congressmen who are visiting Paris on vacation this week, here’s a primer, below. (They will, no doubt, be in familiar territory, having dealt with people such as Senator Roadblock and Congressman Prevarication before.)

Women Approved to Become Cannon Fodder

The Secretary of Defense and his resident Gen. Duke Nukem have signed legislation allowing women to become what they’ve always dreamed of becoming: cannon fodder. As Hasbro’s has-been hero John McGame put it, “Women will now and forever equally enjoy the privilege of dying in meaningless wars for which we have no exit strategy.” Or as one female soldier who lost her legs said with a laugh, “I didn’t lose’em in a bar fight, ya know.” On the plus side, since no one is asking why we’re there or what we hope to accomplish, (anymore than concussion-damaged ex football players ask what “end zone” means, or road-kill rubberneckers ask what speed limits are for) those who depend on making weapons to keep their children in Big Macs won’t be losing their jobs to progress anytime soon… In other gun news, archeologists have found an alien laser pistol buried beneath the Sphinx, and have quit archeology in order to start up their own gun manufacturing plant to make more. Wal Mart has promised to market the pistol, which reportedly can kill an entire herd of buffalo with one sweep of the hand. At $149.99, the pistol will be popularly priced, and makes all previous models obsolete. Congress has been called back from Hawaii to work on a bill to ban the pistol, offering the developers a billion dollars to keep it off the market while making it available to their drone aircraft. But Sphinx Arms has declined, saying that everyone should be able to buy any weapon they like, and at the cheapest possible price, “kinda like beef or soda.” An emblem of the Sphinx will appear on the grip of the weapon, bearing an enigmatic yet feminine smile. Sphinx gas stations are preparing for possible assault, as is Ft. Knox, since just one of the pistols could potentially wipe out dozens of guards inside tanks, then melt its four foot thick stainless steel door, all with “one sweep of the hand.” What does this mean for society and our future? No one is asking but Al Gore, although answers to your questions about the playoff scores leading to March Madness can be obtained with the push of any other button.
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“Peace cannot be kept by force, but by understanding.” —Albert Einstein

“Progress in technology is going up like a rocket ship, but social progress is a flat line.” —George Lucas  

“They that take the sword shall perish with the sword.” —Jesus Christ, cheek turner

Three Days of the Candid Condor

Final Memo to Authorities
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The office has been compromised. Everyone is dead. The only thing not stolen or unbroken is this aging laptop, which hasn’t seen upgrades since the Clinton administration. I don’t know what to tell you, being only a Lowely analyst and compiler of data. As you know, I report to Langley on the unAmerican activities of unAmericans who wave flags while bribing, imbibing, and then plundering the Treasury department. I was in the process of decoding certain texts in the tax code and the Bible related to kickbacks and the Cayman Islands. The Bible talks about a “layman” with a “c” in his name absconding with funds disguised as “nuns.” The next sentence starts with an “F.” The tax code, section 4F-101-4%¶¥-$b784.1, has direct references to these verses, and uses them to justify banking tax exemptions for “funny money” like bonuses during economic collapses, (eg. “compensation” for having created quantum algorithms and formulas enabling evolution to eliminate those fiscally disadvantaged for survival among the fittest or smartest or best dressed.) I can only assume at this point that one of two things is true: the Occupy Wall Street movement has gone ballistic after obtaining automatic weapons from Goldman Sachs’ War Room, having mistaken our intelligence for something less patriotic, like waving flags, OR Langley has been compromised, has abandoned its mission, and is now in coverup stage, which includes disavowing this office. I am coming to believe that the latter explanation is the more rational, since the surveillance camera out back has been acting up, and may not have seen me leave for a Venti Caramel Macchiato Half Caff with a twist. So when I finish this cup, I plan to move to Bolivia and change my name to Smith or Chen or maybe Jamie Dimon. Or perhaps my name will be Carl Payman in Brazil. I’ll let you know, along with how much you need to pay me to keep this final report away from the press. . . the file I took to Starbucks to work on, and chatted with Penny, the clerk, about. What I’ve discovered, see, involves certain implications in the ‘thou shalt not steal’ commandment related to big banks, and also to hedge fund managers and televangelists who play the role of Midas while sleeping with Judas. Remember the warning about the super rich only getting into heaven through the eye of a needle because they think they’re already there and want to keep others out? Well, it has implications for Lloyd Blankfein, John Boehner, and Ken Copeland, who have been trying to suppress the fact that Jesus drove a donkey in the desert when not driving moneychangers out of temples with a whip. Listen, man, I’ll send all this on a thumb drive to the Financial Times in London if you don’t set up a slush fund called Money Penny for us, I swear on a stack of 1040s!    

Learn how to fix the postal service HERE.

Hip Hop War Declared

The rapper known as Crapper has written an unauthorized autobiography titled simply CRAPPER, provoking a war pitting the west coast hip hop scene against the east coast with an opening skirmish outside Zion, Iowa. Heavy artillery is involved, with cannon seized from a local Civil War reenactment group. “There are no drive-bys, since cars didn’t exist back in 1865,” said mistaken mayor Clyde Drummond, thinking the participants were the descendants of slaves owned by fighters at Gettysburg, (and shortly before being shot by derringer.) Several tractors and a crop duster participated in the exchange of fire as lines of farm combines advanced on each other across the corn fields and meadows. Native hick historian Carl Rhodes drove in all the way from Des Moines to record the battle for posterity, which he said would go down as “the most horrific yet oddly glorious turf war involving musket balls ever recorded in State history,” and one which “illustrates the radical spirit and take-no-prisoners approach of a proud people wrestling with their identity as they demand our respect. . . .Or, well, maybe they just don’t care what we think.” Carl was then run over by a hay baler, but not before photographing various generals and lieutenants on both sides. A passing motorcycle gang (oddly atop Indians instead of Harleys) served as witnesses to a peace treaty signing, which lasted only long enough to smoke the ceremonial peace crack pipe. The document was nonetheless faxed by email to Washington by former General David Betrayus, who was in the area to pass out medals to the combatants, and whom, he said, “already seem to have quite a few.” No one seems to know how the war began, other than a “diss” was swapped between leaders Chamillionaire and Schoolly D on Facebook, each side claiming that what the others did “wasn’t music like Miles Davis at all,” and “in a perfunctory manner that implied a dissociative regress back to a kind of pre-Cambrian Hammer era. . . kinda like what started World War I.” The rapper Crapper (author of one song: It Takes a Pillage) was not involved or present, and even now no one knows what was written in his book, since none have read more than the title. However, a review is pending at the Zion Chronicle, which boasts a circulation of thirty-seven rural hog farmers. What’s holding up the review is closure on another story involving a black ops mission to support the coverup of medical experiments being performed on area residents. We at NEN suspect that this is the true reason Betrayus was in the area, along with the fact that one of his potential new mistresses sent him a photo from there, and he wants to make sure the photo wasn’t Photoshopped. . . and, if not, that she get out of the area safely before the side effects kick in.